The Phone Sex Surprise

Sometimes a misdialed telephone can lead to some interesting situations. It was Sunday afternoon. I was heading down the 210 towards Pasadena when my reverie was interrupted by the distinctive ring of cellphone. For those who are curious it was Ray Charles singing ‘What’d I say.”

I answered the phone and was surprised to hear a man say:

Man: “Maria, when I get to your house I am going to tear off your clothes and ravish your body.”
Me: “Uh, are you sure about that. I don’t think that I am who you want to speak with.”

This is why it is important to listen to what is being said to you.

Man: “I am going to do things to you that will make your body tingle.”
Me: “I’d prefer that you didn’t.”

You would think that he would have noticed that my voice is not the slightest bit feminine, but I suppose that he was lost in his fantasy. So, I figured what the hell and went with it.

Man: “Maria, your body tastes so sweet and your legs are so very fine.”
Me: “They are better when they are shaved, but thanks for noticing.”

Suddenly, the man on the other end realizes that there is something wrong.

Man: “Who the hell are you and where is Maria?”
Me: “I don’t appreciate your tone of voice.”

As you can imagine when he realized who he was speaking with he was less than thrilled. I was tempted to ask him where did our love go, but I make a lousy Diana Ross. In no time at all he was threatening me.

Man: “Listen you stupid dickhead. Put her on the phone immediately!”
Me: “Not until you apologize for using profanity.”

Ok, it probably was unfair of me to say that, but he was the phone who refused to listen to my initial protestations. Ladies, how do you ever put up with us.

Man: “Fuck you. You stupid jerkoff, I want to speak with her now.”
Me: “Sorry, her mouth is full.”

This must have been the wrong thing to say because all of a sudden there was a loud bang and a crash. And man, talk about swearing. The dude was spitting blood.

Man: “When I get there I am going to fucking kill you.”
Me: “No. You are going to take a deep breath and consider your actions. Then you are going to buy the biggest bunch of roses you can afford and thank G-d that you were smart enough not to do something really stupid.”

I am not quite sure what he said because it was basically unintelligible. By this point in time I was fighting hard not to laugh hysterically. It didn’t matter because the line went dead and that was it.

For a brief moment I wondered if he would hit redial and whether I had caused a problem. On the other hand, I tried to let him know that he had dialed the wrong telephone number.

This really was yet another example of the old adage of “look before you leap.”