Letters I have Written- Never Meaning to Send

“Nights in white satin, never reaching the end
Letters I’ve written, never meaning to send
Beauty I’d always missed, with these eyes before
Just what the truth is, I can’t say anymore
‘Cause I love you, yes I love you, oh, how I love you”

Nights In White Satin– The Moody Blues

That old familiar ache is back reminding me again that the peace I seek still eludes my grasp. Moments in time parade by with their usual fanfare ensuring that the memories receive due attention. Flames lick at my soul and an empty place fills the hole where my heart should be.

I have grown accustomed to the empty rooms and the silence that fills them. The time that I live in is the moment that I never believed would come. Promises made but never delivered upon. Chaos, confusion and conflict make brief cameos on the stage of our distress. They serve as our own horsemen of the apocalypse serving a master whose sole purpose is to cause pain.

We both know this and are well aware that it is better to try and stay calm than to allow emotion to steer the conversation. Slowly, we make our way through the wreckage, trying to make sense of the stories we are telling. You stare at me with disbelief and are unable or unwilling to see my perspective. The truth doesn’t matter because it has become easier to accept the convenience of excuse and opportunity.

You used it and walked away while I watched in anger followed by disbelief. Every other time we worked through it, found our way back. And I suppose that I figured that we would this time too. But when it didn’t happen I found myself processing strange thoughts and ideas. Started wondering if maybe it was better this way. Let go and let be, look for new beginnings.

Sat down and stared at the pictures, read the old notes and remembered. Told myself that it was proof that what was meant to be really wasn’t and went about my business. For a long while it seemed to work and I began to feel as if a weight had been lifted. The fetters that had shackled my heart were gone and I was free to go about my way.

Wonder of wonders, time had worked and I was back on my feet. In time I began to date again. The first kiss was awkward, her lips didn’t quite fit mine as yours had done. I wrote it off to nerves and pretended not to notice.

More time passed and I continued to ignore the sense of unease that had developed. I hadn’t yet figured out the obvious reason for my discomfort. Instead I grew more irritated with her behavior, blaming her for things that really weren’t her fault. It wasn’t fair and it wasn’t right. It just was.

“even now
when I never hear your name
and the world has changed so much since you’ve been gone
even now I still remember and the feeling’s still the same
and this pain inside of me goes on and on
even now

even now when I have come so far
I wonder where you are
I wonder why it’s still so hard without you
even now when I come shining through
I swear I think of you
and God I wish you knew
some how
Even now”

Even Now– Barry Manilow

So I hit here staring out into the darkness looking for answers that don’t exist, trying to make sense of that which isn’t based upon logic. Unsure and alone with my thoughts I come through with the only compromise that I can, letters I have written never meaning to send.

I write to you about my life, the mundane and the magical. I write to you about my hopes and dreams. I write to you about the things that I don’t speak of with others and I write to you about more than that. I write because it is how I maintain how my head and sense of self.

I write these letters never meaning to send but hoping that one day maybe I will.