I have written many times about the lack of elevator etiquette. There are the people who try to take a cigarette into the car, those that dump buckets of perfume/cologne over their heads and then enter the car and there are those that think that it is ok to hold the door while they finish their conversation with someone who has chosen not to get on the elevator. How is that for a run-on sentence.
But today I encountered a new jerk. Today I rode the elevator with a man who thought that it was ok to share his flatulence with me. It is one thing to share these in silence. I’ll do my best not to cough and turn blue while holding my breath.
It is quite another thing to just let one rip†as if you haven’t a care in the world and it is even worse when you don’t apologize or excuse yourself. That is what happened today.
The man didn’t yell “fore†or “Geronimo†or give any indication that he was about to soil his pants and I am fairly certain that this was “wet.†I apologize for the detail, but I am still horrified by this and as a father who has changed many a diaper I know the signs.
It was loud. It was wet and was most aromatic in a most unpleasant way. I wanted to run. I wanted to flee but there was no place to go. The doors were closed and we were between floors.
As I gasped for breath I thought about my family and a sob escaped my throat. There was something so unfair and so unjust about this. My children were going to have to be told that their father died trying to rescue children from a burning building not that he died as a result of asphyxiation caused by noxious fumes from a common “fart.â€
The thought was so upsetting. In my mind’s eye I could see them being teased on the playground. I could hear the vice-principal suspending my son for fighting and saw his mother explaining that he didn’t need to fight every time some kid tormented him about it.
Suddenly the elevator doors opened and I flung myself into the hallway. Gasping for air I rolled on the floor and inhaled the stale but ever so sweet after effects of the cleaning crew. The scent of their passage lingered in the air and I reveled in the gift of life I had received.
In the interim stinky rolled on out of the office and waddled down the hall. I carefully followed him and watched him enter an office. Later today we will show him how we deal with terrorism in this part of town.
The boys and I are going out for burritos and chili. Together we will enter his office and then drag him to a utility closet where we will unleash our own WMDs, mercilessly. And as all good terrorists do I’ll videotape this so that I can create more terror by uploading the file onto the net.
Flatulent Fred, judgment day is coming for you.
(Originally run here)
Linked up with Dude Write.
It is times like that when I wish that i was able to summon a counter-attack on command.
 @YoungmanBrown A counter strike. I like the way you think.
 Laughing so hard I almost peed my pants!
One of the funniest things I’ve read all day!
Glad you made it back safe to your family!
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 @raeme67 Thank you. It was a happy moment when I made it back. 😉
Did you say anything? At least a, “Seriously, Dude?” Â I wonder what he would have said? Â
I honestly don’t recall. Wish I had.
Holy crap is that just plain rude. Who would do such a thing? And not even say anything in return? I think I would have said something to him. Reality is, however, that some people just don’t care. I was at a baseball game once when a guy a couple rows in front of me lifted one of his legs and bombed a loud fart that rattled the metal bleacher seats. People looked at him in disbelief. There were kids around, too. Nothing was said by him. Couldn’t believe it. But at least that was outside and not in the confines of an elevator.
 @P.J. I would think that the kids would have loved that. People never cease to amaze me with what they are willing to do.
Ha! Gross! I can handle the perfume bit – really don’t mind it at all – but to be stuck in the elevator with a wet fart would be a nasty experience! Â I’m sorry you had to go through that. Yes. I’m sorry 😉
The perfume kills me- sometimes it just leaves me with a bad headache.
Oh, nasty! I’ve had a few encounters with a silent but deadly(SBD) in an elevator. I more often get the bathed in perfume. In those situations my passive aggressive side often takes over and I might say something. In your case, I might have had to ask if he got any on him…
WG
Happy to see you escape (relatively) unharmed! Looking forward to the imminent Youtube video of your revenge!
 @Daniel Nest Hi Daniel,
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Nope, no video footage. I cannot confirm nor deny the existence of any retaliatory measures. 😉
 @TheJackB Well played, well played. Let’s just say there “weren’t” any retaliatory measures and leave it at that 😉
LOL. Glad you escaped unscathed, at least physically…
Dang it! I was eating! Thanks a lot. 🙂
I know, it stinks. 😉
Thank you for the big smile on this sleepy, soggy Friday morning 🙂
We aim to please.
Obviously, I still have the sense of humor of a 13-year old, because anything that has to do with flatulence still makes me laugh uproariously. This was so funny!
I used to have a friend who was 100% German. Her family (being 100% German) ate a lot of sauerkraut, cabbage, pickles and salami. Needless to say, they farted all the time. Loudly. It was the first time I’d ever been in the company of people who just put it out there and didn’t even acknowledge the offense. Not once did anyone ever apologize. I was horrified.
I might be too if for no other reason than it sounds like the air around them was less than inviting. Oy.
That is always a traumatic experience. I would like to add an additional scene of the crime–the gym. Men wander around and act like it’s open season on odorous expulsions. No, no it’s not. Especially if it’s only you and me in a humid cardio room, you drop a bomb and then leave five minutes later, making me look like the culprit. Not cool.
Ah, I blame that on men who have little sisters. It is a favorite trick to pull upon them.