“What have I become
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know goes away
In the end
And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt
If I could start again
A million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way”
Hurt– Johnny Cash version
Call it self indulgent, narcissistic or any other term that you like because I don’t care. Today is my birthday, the not even close to fabulous number known as 42. Yes, today I am 42 and feeling angry, bitter and unhappy.And that my friends is a trifecta that you don’t want, need or deserve any day of the week- let alone on your birthday.
I can provide a long laundry list of reasons why this is so but the recitation of it would bore myself and you. More importantly it wouldn’t change a thing because the bulk of my distress has been caused by one person and I stare at his face every time I look in the mirror. Except the thing that is most noteworthy about that face is that I no longer recognize him. The hairline is very different from the one in my mind’s eye and the lines that have appeared upon it are striking. The only thing that I recognize is the look in his eyes. I know that fire. I know that sadness. I know that determination and the glare that says ‘fuck you world.’
You see that guy that I am looking at  is most upset with himself because he has a list of challenges that he feels he should have already overcome. It doesn’t matter whether some of it is outside of his control or that substantial progress has been made on some of the most critical areas. It doesn’t matter because there are other areas that are crushing him. You can call it a war that he wages and say that he is losing some battles but winning others. You can use those euphemisms and talk about how very strong he is and all that would be true.
But it doesn’t change certain fundamental things about his personality and how he views the world. It doesn’t help mitigate the pressure that he places upon himself. He is his own worst critic and biggest enemy. And as he sits at the computer writing these foolish words he recognizes how damn pretentious he sounds so he’ll switch back to first person.
That version of Hurt that Johnny sings is outstanding. I suppose that some people might consider it to be a depressing song but I find some hope in it. I chose that excerpt for a reason because at the moment I find meaning in it, but the part that I focus upon is the last section. I focus on that because that is where I see hope and signs of life. That is where I remember that 42 isn’t 25 and I celebrate that. Damn, I don’t look like I want to or feel like I want to. Physically I feel worn and beat up- but that is not a permanent state. Really it is more of a reflection of that war I referred to and based upon the mental/emotional toll of some challenges that have been placed in front of me.
*****
Not long ago I read a blog post that suggested that we shouldn’t talk about things that could reflect negatively upon us as it could hurt us personally and professionally. I disagree with it and that is because there is a confidence and sense of self that comes with being 42 and not 25. It would be a lie to say that I don’t miss the physical attributes of 25. I sometimes feel frustration when my body doesn’t respond the way that it used to but there is a peace of mind that comes from having life experience. I know that this post is but a moment in time. It is a small blip in what should be a long life, at least if genetics have anything to say about it.
Yet that aforementioned life experience weighs upon me. I firmly believe that force of will can influence things and that some of the changes I want in my life will come because I will them to be so. But having buried more than a couple of friends I feel the weight of time upon me. Sometimes things happen. People get sick or get hit by cars. I don’t think that most people worry about this or really believe that it can happen- I don’t. Even though I have seen it first hand I don’t really believe that it will happen to me, but  sometimes I wonder what if.
And that what if drives me to catch some of the butterflies I chase sooner. I don’t have the same amount of time I had at 25 to play so I need to be more focused in some areas. Yet in one of the great contradictions of life I have different dreams at 42 than I had then. You can call them more mature dreams and that would be true. You can say that I am better prepared and more focused to make them happen and that would be true as well. But sometimes I hear that tick tock in the back of my mind and feel like I have to push harder.
There is far more to be said on this but the real world beckons and I need to answer that call. So as this particular post comes to a close let me share a number of quotes that are significant and meaningful to me.
- “A hero is no braver than an ordinary man, but he is brave five minutes longer.” Ralph Waldo Emerson
- “All life is an experiment. The more experiments you make the better.” Ralph Waldo Emerson
- “Always do what you are afraid to do.” Ralph Waldo Emerson
- “Nobody can bring you peace but yourself.” Ralph Waldo Emerson
- “Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear, not absence of fear.” Mark Twain
- “Hell, there are no rules here – we’re trying to accomplish something.” Thomas A. Edison
And oh yes, happy belated birthday!
@google-0352624b5a72b03965910efd0817218c:disqus  Thank you, I appreciate it.
This sounds like a great Reclaiming Me post! 🙂
And oh yes, happy belated birthday!
@google-0352624b5a72b03965910efd0817218c:disqus  Thank you, I appreciate it.
This sounds like a great Reclaiming Me post! 🙂
Happy Belated Birthday Old Man. I remember when I was 42…wait I am 42. Life is tricky, Birthdays make us stop and think – not always the best thing to do. In many ways, I feel our minds are not well equipped to deal with some of the things that stew in our head.
@daddoes:disqus  Thank you sir, I appreciate it. Sometimes I have to remind myself not to think so much about life. Better to just let it come to me.
Happy Belated Birthday Old Man. I remember when I was 42…wait I am 42. Life is tricky, Birthdays make us stop and think – not always the best thing to do. In many ways, I feel our minds are not well equipped to deal with some of the things that stew in our head.
@daddoes:disqus  Thank you sir, I appreciate it. Sometimes I have to remind myself not to think so much about life. Better to just let it come to me.
happy birthday, Jack. Thank you for pouring your heart out.
@twitter-74263975:disqus Thank you, I appreciate it.
happy birthday, Jack. Thank you for pouring your heart out.
@twitter-74263975:disqus Thank you, I appreciate it.
Happy Birthday, Jack.
42, as you know, is the answer to meaning of life, the universe and everything.
I’ll be there, shortly.
There is more clarity – less self-deception and false consciousness – as we grow older and wiser. Or so it seems. I find consolation in this.
We share some of those same passionate spirits that you express. The good and the bad.
Cash’s cover for Nine Inch Nails rocks resonates with me too. The words remind me that I have been so completely foolish and stupid as much as I have been courageous, clever, and ambitious.
I am losing more battles than I am winning. But If I am to be honest with you and me (and your readers), I have to ask myself if I am winning at anything. And I suppose, the truth is that I am not winning on any front. Or so it seems. BUT it doesn’t HURT like it used to.
It hurts less with the growing conviction that the game was never mine. I merely play a role, well or badly – a role that exceeds my understanding and imagination. A role in a story that plays out in human history with consequences that I cannot adequately reason or comprehend.
How could I have been so foolish to think that my game was ever up for that?!
In fact, I sometimes, still think I can take my game to that level.
Silly me. Silly you?
Silly or not, that’s where we stand. On mountains of dirt. Lighting the beacons of Gondor like candles on a birthday cake.
Stan
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Hopefully you were able to have a good birthday. 30 was the one that took the wind out of my sails; but it’s been smooth sailing since then and I have gone through two more milestones.
I really liked Thomas Edison’s quote; “Hell, there are no rules here – we are trying to accomplish something”.
I do appreciate your support earlier; thanks.
@a76049f6a32a1e633a732b81bafb98c9:disqus Thirty was pretty easy for me. I didn’t feel any different than I had in my twenties. Thirty-five was the first that was hard but that was because my dad was lying unconscious on a ventilator.
The nice thing about blogging is that it really does provide a chronicle of what our lives used to look like. There is something special about that.
That Thomas Edison quote is one of my favorites as it really describes how I like to work.
Hopefully you were able to have a good birthday. 30 was the one that took the wind out of my sails; but it’s been smooth sailing since then and I have gone through two more milestones.
I really liked Thomas Edison’s quote; “Hell, there are no rules here – we are trying to accomplish something”.
I do appreciate your support earlier; thanks.
@a76049f6a32a1e633a732b81bafb98c9:disqus Thirty was pretty easy for me. I didn’t feel any different than I had in my twenties. Thirty-five was the first that was hard but that was because my dad was lying unconscious on a ventilator.
The nice thing about blogging is that it really does provide a chronicle of what our lives used to look like. There is something special about that.
That Thomas Edison quote is one of my favorites as it really describes how I like to work.
Happy birthday, Jack! I hope you are less angry, bitter, and unhappy. If I lived close by, I’d make you go out for a drink. After all, we’re our own worst critics.
xoxo
@ginidietrich:disqus Thank you. I appreciate that very much. It was a long day.
Happy birthday, Jack! I hope you are less angry, bitter, and unhappy. If I lived close by, I’d make you go out for a drink. After all, we’re our own worst critics.
xoxo
@ginidietrich:disqus Thank you. I appreciate that very much. It was a long day.
Happy birthday.
I’m not sure what it is about men and their birthdays, but my husband also celebrated his birthday yesterday. It was a pretty good one for him, but usually he’s also looking at negatives of being a year older and not having accomplished what he had hoped to. I just hope this year was a mark of change for the future.
At least you are much more positive. 🙂 I hope it was a good day.
@google-ce6b1f8ea80af2ee7554d4638a53329c:disqus Taurus men are very solid, practical fellows or so we like to think. The day was ok I suppose. Thank you for the birthday wishes.
I understand. I’m a Taurus myself and so is my husband (obviously). It’s easy to see you’re both thinkers. I think that’s why I’m drawn in.
Happy birthday.
I’m not sure what it is about men and their birthdays, but my husband also celebrated his birthday yesterday. It was a pretty good one for him, but usually he’s also looking at negatives of being a year older and not having accomplished what he had hoped to. I just hope this year was a mark of change for the future.
At least you are much more positive. 🙂 I hope it was a good day.
@google-ce6b1f8ea80af2ee7554d4638a53329c:disqus Taurus men are very solid, practical fellows or so we like to think. The day was ok I suppose. Thank you for the birthday wishes.
I understand. I’m a Taurus myself and so is my husband (obviously). It’s easy to see you’re both thinkers. I think that’s why I’m drawn in.