The call came during the middle of the day and not during the crazy hours of early morning or the sometimes ominous of late night. I heard them say two words, “it is over” and then there was silence. The absence of all sounds including breathing added a surreal quality that made the moment feel even harder than one would expect.
One single moment that should have come and gone without notice stretched into eternity and then I heard “what should I do?” The insouciant and sometimes juvenile side wanted to make a crack about how that could be a major improvement for one’s sex life or that alternatively it could be very bad for one’s sex life. I could hear the words in my mind and knew exactly how I wanted to deliver them. “Be glad because even if it is bad it is not a mortal blow,” came to mind followed by a series of other smart ass remarks all of which proved that my sometimes dark and twisted sense of humor was intact.
Just thinking about the word intact reminded me of the crazy and unhinged lunatics who sometimes show up on the blog and tell me that circumcision is wrong. Oftentimes the discussion is with someone who is female and I find myself shaking my head as they try to explain how painful it is and how the memories linger. It is often followed by my making mention that I have fathered children and that the only times I haven’t enjoyed sexual encounter is as a result of encountering teeth, bad breath or bad connections. We’ll leave it at as this has already wandered into the land of TMI.
During that interminably long silence while my mind was wandering and racing around from place to place I tried to focus on the positives. But there are conversations where you don’t engage in any sort of spin or try to provide pleasant platitudes. You don’t do it because sometimes the best answer is silence or a simple, “I am sorry.” Mourning the death of a person or a relationship isn’t wrong or bad. There is a grieving process to go through that is supposed to help those in pain heal, or so they tell me.
I know a few people who haven’t. I know a few people who are broken and seem unable and or unwilling to climb out of the graves that they have dug for themselves. I remember trying to look away at a funeral as a husband wailed and beat the ground because of the loss of his wife. That type of heartbreak isn’t supposed to be shared with those outside of the circle, but sometimes profound sadness can do that to a person.
And then my voice broke the silence and I said, “I am sorry, what can I do.” Â And to that I heard, “Nothing, you can’t do anything.” So I sat on the couch in silence, holding the phone to my ear while I tried to come up with something more to say. Except this time there were no snappy comebacks or one liners in my head. All I had was that blanket of silence that covered my mouth and left words unspoken upon my lips.
 The best we can offer in most wrenching situations is a listening ear, a shoulder and tissue.
My friend put it well, “When it happens to someone else, it’s a dilemma. When it happens to you, it’s a crisis.”Â
I think that you are friend is spot on with their analysis.
 The best we can offer in most wrenching situations is a listening ear, a shoulder and tissue.
My friend put it well, “When it happens to someone else, it’s a dilemma. When it happens to you, it’s a crisis.”Â
I think that you are friend is spot on with their analysis.
When my son died, people said a lot of things. Those closest to me said “I don’t know what to say,” which is essentially what you’re saying up there. I always told them that wanting to say something and communicating that meant more than pretending like it didn’t happen, which was what a lot of people did. Very nice post.
@c9ccd558efd370213d5a38ddc147a323:disqus  Very sorry for your loss. I think that sometimes the best thing you can do is acknowledge the loss. It doesn’t have to be a Hallmark card.Â
Just human.
When my son died, people said a lot of things. Those closest to me said “I don’t know what to say,” which is essentially what you’re saying up there. I always told them that wanting to say something and communicating that meant more than pretending like it didn’t happen, which was what a lot of people did. Very nice post.
@c9ccd558efd370213d5a38ddc147a323:disqus  Very sorry for your loss. I think that sometimes the best thing you can do is acknowledge the loss. It doesn’t have to be a Hallmark card.Â
Just human.
Annie Lennox’s No More I Love Yous just came to mind: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MS1jAvCycCY
Â
 From personal experience, in those situations saying nothing really does say everything. You handled it swimmingly.Â
@ChopperPapa:disqus  I just tried to make a hard situation run smoothly. It is not easy.
 From personal experience, in those situations saying nothing really does say everything. You handled it swimmingly.Â
@ChopperPapa:disqus  I just tried to make a hard situation run smoothly. It is not easy.
So it turns out that you DO know when it’s time to be serious. Good job. And good job letting your friend know that you can be a safe and supportive friend to him.
@google-3c4dd2217681aac6f372f2bcc1ea5c94:disqus  Hah, I spend the majority of my day being far too serious. Much more fun for all parties when I get to lighten up. How is that for egocentric. 😉
Um…who is this? The JackB that I know is not serious by most general definitions.
@google-3c4dd2217681aac6f372f2bcc1ea5c94:disqus  Thus speaks the woman who lacks a sense of humor. 😉
So it turns out that you DO know when it’s time to be serious. Good job. And good job letting your friend know that you can be a safe and supportive friend to him.
@google-3c4dd2217681aac6f372f2bcc1ea5c94:disqus  Hah, I spend the majority of my day being far too serious. Much more fun for all parties when I get to lighten up. How is that for egocentric. 😉
Um…who is this? The JackB that I know is not serious by most general definitions.
@google-3c4dd2217681aac6f372f2bcc1ea5c94:disqus  Thus speaks the woman who lacks a sense of humor. 😉
Few things are more utterly, unavoidably concrete than grief.
@122ade50fde0a2b1863cd8e040cd7d6c:disqus  Grief is better dealt with earlier than later or so it seems to me. Somethings can’t be avoided.
The death of the marital bond is so very hard, even for bystanders.
That it is.Â
I think the uncomfortable thing for most of us is that grief can not be managed, handled, avoided, locked up, or otherwise manipulated. Sorrow must run its uninterrupted course. Like a river of glacial ice. Or a bitter Northern wind.
@faryna:disqus  I think that the hardest part is that life doesn’t always give us a choice as to how long we are allowed to grieve. I agree with you about letting it run its course.
Few things are more utterly, unavoidably concrete than grief.
@122ade50fde0a2b1863cd8e040cd7d6c:disqus  Grief is better dealt with earlier than later or so it seems to me. Somethings can’t be avoided.
The death of the marital bond is so very hard, even for bystanders.
That it is.Â
I think the uncomfortable thing for most of us is that grief can not be managed, handled, avoided, locked up, or otherwise manipulated. Sorrow must run its un-interfered course. Like a river of glacial ice. Or a bitter Northern wind.
@faryna:disqus  I think that the hardest part is that life doesn’t always give us a choice as to how long we are allowed to grieve. I agree with you about letting it run its course.
sometimes there is nothing you can do or say. just be there. like you were. it’s a gift when your friends and/or family get that.
@openid-81459:disqus  Sometimes silence can be uncomfortable but I think that at times it can be quite comforting.
sometimes there is nothing you can do or say. just be there. like you were. it’s a gift when your friends and/or family get that.
@openid-81459:disqus  Sometimes silence can be uncomfortable but I think that at times it can be quite comforting.