“I told you she is a bitch” is not the kind of thing I expect to hear my children say to each other. It is not because they never swear because they do.
In fact because I am a better father than you are they have gained a very colorful vocabulary. They aren’t walking around talking about Ironing Icicles in Iceland like my friend Kaarina did on her blog today, but they come up with pretty good alternatives.
Nor are they taking advantage of any of the fantastic words I have shared here with you. You won’t hear them say someone is a poltroon or a flibbertigibbet. Nor will they appreciate words like raconteur, scaturient or defalcate.
Since they are 11 and 7.5 I suppose that I can forgive them for not knowing these words that dear old dad sometimes uses. What can I say, I like words and I like language.
Still, none of those things prepared me to hear my son say “I told you she is a bitch” to his sister.
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I suppose that the reason it surprised me was because he used the word in a more sophisticated manner than I would have expected. Â I wasn’t the only one to be surprised that day because when I made eye contact with them they started bobbing and weaving.
“Dad, it is not what you think. You didn’t hear a bad word.” I nodded my head and responded, “you may approach the bench.” The dark haired beauty took issue with that and told me to stop screwing around because we clearly don’t have any benches inside the house.
I looked at her and said that one day she would make her husband very happy. Got to give her credit because she told me that there was no need for sarcasm. The really frightening part about that was how I thought I heard my mother’s voice coming from her, but I digress.
“Honey, it is an expression. It is something that judges sometimes say to lawyers.” She really liked that and for the next two minutes every time her brother tried to speak she yelled, “I object!”
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I have no one to blame but myself for that. Too many hours of Marx Brothers movies while they were in utero and beyond has made it clear that we are going to share a long life of wonderful antics, cracks and comments.
“Dad, I want to tell you what really happened but I keep getting cut off.” I hate to admit this but I couldn’t help but interrupt then. “Monster, you were blessed in that department. The mohel only cut you once. One day you and your wife will thank me for that.”
“Ooh, I hate girls and I am not getting married.”
“I used to hate girls too and then something happened.”
“What happened. Did you get hit in the head.”
See, we are all comedians in this family.
“Nope, but I wish that I had. I could use an excuse. Anyway, speak quickly or your sister will step in and she speaks faster than both of us.”
“Dad, Lizzie is a female dog. That means that she is a bitch. I can call her bitch because when I call her a bitch no one can say that I used a bad word because she really is a bitch.”
That last exchange is more proof that he is mine, not that I ever questioned it. He has my hands and my feet. I should add that I kept a straight face for that last exchange but I wanted to smile because he did a nice job of working bitch into his speech.
My daughter nodded her head. “I didn’t know that bitch isn’t always a bad word and Jack Jr. helped teach me something. See, I learned something new today.”
One day these children of mine are going to do something amazing and or get away with all sorts of stuff. I think that they are already smarter than I am, but I still have a few tricks up my sleeve. Got to find a way to keep them at bay for a little bit longer.
That is part of why I didn’t tell them about the Hall and Oates Song “Rich Girl.” Or rather I didn’t tell them because when I was a kid I got in trouble for singing “She is a bitch girl.” That wasn’t me screwing around, I really thought that is what they were singing.
Thus spaketh Jack, The Dad Blogger and writer extraordinaire. 😉
LOL!
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The tongue is a strange creature, indeed. I am reminded of wisdom on the matter as I chuckle:
But no one can tame the tongue; it is a restless evil and full of deadly poison.With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse human beings, who have been made in God’s likeness.
I share your affinity for words. My wife is highly impressed that the word flibbertigibbet appears in your post.
We are blessed or {cursed}, call it what you may, to be young grandparents helping raise 3 of our young grandkids. I can absolutely relate to the feeling that our children are smarter than us. We just can’t let on!
Nice job not bursting out laughing when your son was finally able to get a word in edgewise about his use of the word bitch. Repeatedly. We fully enjoyed that!
Happy to be new followers of your blog. We found you via your comment on The Bloggess.
Hi Mr. Snarky,
Nice to meet you. Every now and then I like to sneak a more colorful word or two into these posts.
I am told that grandkids take this parenting bit to a whole new level, I can only imagine.
Most of the time I am good about keeping a straight face, but every now and then these children make me laugh to damn hard.
Glad that you decided to hang out, I look forward to seeing you again.
Your children? Are awesome. And I’m totally using, “You may approach the bench,” with Lil’ Bit when she’s old enough to understand both discipline and humor… at the same time.
Also? Best.Headline.Ever.
Hello Kristin,
Can’t argue about my kids, they are all sorts of fun. Constantly surprising me.
That was a spectacular story. It made me chuckle several times.
Thank you Brian, I am glad you enjoyed it.
Hey Jack! “I think that they are already smarter than I am, but I still have a few tricks up my sleeve. ” They’re SUPPOSED to be smarter than us. Keep using those tricks, though, while you can! 😉
I enjoyed reading this!
Lori
Hi Lori,
Yep, they are supposed to be smarter. For the time being mine are smaller which is good because I need all the help I can get.
Yes they do. They absolutely have it in spades.
A legal swear! Loved when my kids thought the “S” swear was for stupid and shut up.
H and O do say “bitch” in the song.
My kids still think that “s” stands for shut up and stupid but I suspect that they have figured out a few more.
Cute story! Seems like your kids have their dad’s creative genes already 😉
I checked…they do say “bitch”! So you were punished for nothing, poor man. Or poor kid.
But your kids are absolutely brilliant! They’re going to run circles around you. Not that I know you, but kids like that always run circles around their parents. 🙂
Hi Laura,
My kids will run circles around me and I’ll gnash my teeth and applaud them for it. I love how smart they are.
Thanks. I love watching their minds at work. It is fun.
Cute story; sometimes kids can be very clever in exploring where that line really is. Thanks for sharing.
I am 110% convinced they DO say bitch in that song. See? You are a comedian, a wordsmith AND correct.
I’ve been thinking about this ‘staying ahead of them’ thing a lot lately. It’s getting a lot harder! I hope I stop caring about it before they surpass me.
Damn, where were you 35 years ago when I got in trouble for singing about The Bitch Girl. It would have been great to have someone else say they heard it too.
It is kind of cool to see them hit their stride and know that day is coming. Still, I can wait for it to happen.