The song of my heart makes my soul sing and right now it is weeping. It would be easy to tie that into An Uncertain Certainty, New Year’s Eve or Wanted.
Nor is it about A Whiter Shade of Pale or A Telephone Call. It is much closer to Stupid Blog Tricks- The Difference Between The Best & Most Popular.
That is because I am feeling frustrated by all the things that are preventing me from dedicating time to write. I feel stifled and that is not something that I do well with.
Words Are My Tears
Words are my tears and my laughter. Writing is where I go when I need to express my pain and my joy. It is where I sort and sift through my thoughts and figure out what I want to do and what I need to do.
There is a big difference between need and want. I know the difference because I have had countless hours to think about it. Â I have dedicated more than a moment to determining what is and what shall be.
And I am paying a price for it. I am taking a beating in a million different ways because it has to be this way…for now. That is because when you make certain choices in life you find out that as you close doors they lock behind you. You can’t go backwards and there is no exit other than that at the end of the tunnel- so you go through.
The Boundaries Of Blogging
I write about this a lot, these boundaries that I see. They might not be the same for you, the boundaries of blogging that is. They exist for me because some topics can’t be discussed without raising issues for others.
When those topics touch upon my children I act more conservatively than I might otherwise. There are some things that they don’t need to be involved in. There are some discussions that they never need be a part of so instead of writing as candidly as I would like to I talk around them.
It is not necessarily enjoyable to be cryptic or talk in circles but sometimes that is what dad has to do. Frankly the beating I am taking comes because I am doing my best to protect them.
There have been moments where I have wondered if my trying to do so has created more problems for them and for me, but I tend not to think so. I know some people like to share everything with their kids and I applaud that…to a point.
I want my kids to be kids for as long as they can. One day they’ll be old enough to ask me what a daddy blogger does and I’ll share some of these posts with them If it goes as I wish it will be a time when these few hiccups will have been settled and I’ll smile.
Blog Fodder
I’ll smile because I’ll remember how in the midst of some very tough times the blog started to take off. I’ll talk about how the struggle made for great blog fodder and I did my best to turn the chaos and the crazy into posts that made people laugh, smile and or cry.
And I’ll continue to pull quotes from posts like this and serve them up for you and I to read
And I will do what is required so that I can determine whether the ghosts I see are the spirits of the future or the shades of the past. And in the midst of it all I will continue to hold out my hand so that you can take it. Because I never stopped being your hero and I never gave up.
Because I am running with the moon again. It is me and that big white orb that looks down upon this big blue marble. We are in our secret world where I look up at the sky and talk. That place where I say that I am trying to figure out the difference between seeing what I want to see and receiving signs from the universe.
I Hear Music
Fifteen minutes ago I was in a dark mood and a dark place. I was frustrated because these words that I talk about were stuck inside my head. Responsibilities and technical difficulties were thwarting my desire to get here and my effort to rectify that wasn’t working.
But I kept fighting, kept pushing and I made it here. I made it here and now I hear the music.
Now I hear the song of my heart and my soul is singing and if I could only give up sleep I would write all night long. But morning shall come too soon and there are deadlines that I cannot push away or put off.
Good night my friends. I shall see you tomorrow.
Where my kids and grandkids are concerned, I tend to pull back also. I understand why you write some things that are veiled. We had this discussion recently on another blog I read. Most of us don’t write in a vacuum Jack, and realize that what we write can affect those close to us, and not in a positive way. I’d love sometimes to lay out what I really think and feel. It’s tough not to. But it’s what I choose to do to protect those closest to me. This post really resonated with me.
I maintain a few blogs so that I have more latitude for writing, but damn I would really like to just let go and write without concern.
Hear, hear! I would too! I could sure raise some eyebrows. We all wear faces to suit the situation but it would be nice to wear one face.
Hi Jack,
One thing that’s been on my mind lately, is if your family and friends are reading your blog? I had a major issue when I realized that co-workers, friends and my wife and dad had started reading what I’ve been writing. It removed my most personal thoughts for a long time, but now I’m back again. But it was hard to adjust.
Hi Jens,
A few friends read this but there are relatively few people who know me well that check in here. I try not to write anything that I can’t talk about with them, but it is not always easy.
There is so much food for thought here, Jack, but the tidbit I can’t stop chewing on is this: “That is because when you make certain choices in life you find out that as you close doors they lock behind you. You can’t go backwards and there is no exit other than that at the end of the tunnel- so you go through.” In your words I feel some cocktail of restlessness, frustration, and determination, all feelings that I know well. I’m wondering what song you’re playing while you crawl through that tunnel. (I’m hearing the harmonica at the beginning of “Thunder Road.”)
Hi Kristen,
Ah yes, a cocktail but one that sometimes tastes a little bit more bitter than I wish it would. “Thunder Road” isn’t bad, probably better than “Atlantic City” or “The River.”
Although at this particular moment I might say “The Wrestler” feels particularly apt. A cup of coffee and a couple hours on the court should help with that.
This quote from David Whyte came to mind as I read this post…
“Anything or anyone that does not bring you alive is too small for you.”
Not sure why. I figured I’d just trust and share it.
Sandi,
That quote is perfection.
I feel the same way Jack. I find you post wonderful and so honest. And I truly believe that only beauty inside of us and something natural can attract our readers.
Thank you Amy. Sometimes just writing makes all the difference.
Always beautiful when you pour it out Jack. For me … often, too close to home, often, too painful. I bless you and I curse you because I “see” your struggles through your words – you’re a contradiction; so am I. We’ve touched upon that before – we wouldn’t have it any other way – therein lies our torment.
You’re unlike any other Jack and you’re golden.
Peace,
Elena
Hi Elena,
When all you have ever been is a contradiction it doesn’t seem so bad. We are who we are and there are benefits and disadvantages.
The beauty of the struggle is the experience it provides and the gratitude we are gifted with when we see make it to the other side. Still, that doesn’t remove the irritation or the fact that it sometimes sucks and not in a good way. 😉
Very thought provoking and inspiring. I think anyone who writes for pubic eyes to read has this issue at some point. And I think we all handle it the best way we know how. So long as we are being gracious and have good intentions for all involved what else can anyone ask for. You can only be yourself so you might as well write the things that you are passionate about.
Hi Keya,
I won’t ever forget when my daughter told me that I was embarrassing. It happened last year and it was long before I ever would have guessed she would say it, but I thought about it.
It was a reminder that I have to think about them and my actions on multiple levels and not just one.
Jack, heartfelt as usual. Led Zeppelin is one of my favourite bands. So, may I ask you to listen to “What is and what should never be”?
It’s on You Tube and I would link it but I am challenged by my smartphone these days.
That song sums up my thoughts about your post in a much more eloquent way than I ever could.
Thanks for sharing.
Hi Ralph,
I am a huge Zeppelin fan. I own two of their box sets and almost every album. What is and What Should Never Be (http://youtu.be/xTQF89JiEJc) is one of my favorites.
I have spent more than a few minutes listening to Zep and thinking about their connection to the Lord of The Rings.
Thank you for coming by, always appreciated.
Ahhhh, a kindred spirit. Bravo. And thanks for the link….lovin’ it.
I understand closed doors and tunnels with one way out, the need to express yourself, and the responsibilities and boundaries that say, “don’t go there.” But you always manage to get it done! Thank goodness you made it through. Nobody ever really knows what’s going on behind the scenes. We all just enjoy the “entertainment”. Good for you for protecting your kids, too!
Thanks, Jack!
Hi Betsy,
I am no different than anyone else. I just try to do my best and hope it works. You are so very right about no one knowing what goes on behind the scenes. It is part of why I don’t compare myself to others because you don’t know what is happening and sometimes that “happy home” isn’t so happy.