5 Songs
- White Rabbit– Jefferson Airplane
- I’d Really Love to See You Tonight-Â Â England Dan and John Ford Coley
- Dance With Me– Orleans
- Secret World– Peter Gabriel
- Dirty Paws-Â Of Monsters and Men
He told me that if I started running I might not ever stop and said that if I stayed he would stand by me. Said that he would stand with me and that no matter what happened he would be there to face it together.
I thanked him for his offer and told him that what I was doing wasn’t running away because I wasn’t running towards something and not away.
He gave me a quizzical look and I shook my head because I didn’t have the energy to explain to him something that he probably couldn’t understand. Told him that I appreciated his offer and then reminded him that this was my ‘Rick moment’ and that where I was going he couldn’t go and what I was doing, he couldn’t do and then I left.
Walked away and made a point not to turn around not because it made me look cooler or tougher but because turning around would have killed my nerve and instead of walking forward I would have fallen to my knees.
Fallen down because the only thing that has kept me going is force of will and though mine is stronger than most it is not without limits and I who am willing to test them all needed a chance to rest.
A chance to exhale and breathe again because breathing is exactly what I haven’t done.
It has been months since I didn’t feel bottled up and didn’t pace like a caged animal. Months since I felt human and didn’t wonder if I would tear the limbs off of the next person who caught my ire.
This is no way to live and life is a choice.
You choose to live or you choose to exist and I cannot be the man I once was any more. Some might say he died a natural death and some might say he was murdered but that is not a game I choose to play.
Push me to give you an answer and I will tell you that sometimes murder is not a felony and that it can be a blessing but you won’t want to hear or read that. You won’t like it because society has molded and formed you, forced you into a little box and you can’t see as I do because you fear to open your eyes.
Enlightened?
I am not holier, more enlightened or smarter than you are. Not any crazier or any saner either.
All I am is someone who fell off the edge and managed not to break his neck while falling down the side of the mountain. I don’t know how or why and I don’t care.
What I know is that when I reached the bottom I lay there in a haze for longer than I care to think about and it was only after something touched me in the dark that I chose to move.
It wasn’t bravery or fear that inspired me to stand up either.
Curiosity.
It was curiosity that did it…and a full bladder.
Didn’t have the energy or time to find a proper place to make my deposit so I stood up, shuffled off the way a bit and let fly. And since we are talking about it I might add that it felt orgasmic.
That is how badly I had to pee and how good it felt.
I Don’t Need To Be Rescued
I don’t need to rescued but some of you won’t agree. Don’t need treatment of any sort. There are no mind altering substances in my body just a desperate need to purge it of the crap that I have been feeding it and a desire to restore it to what it once was.
The mind remembers what the body once could do and desires to take on Mother Nature and Father Time. It girds itself for the battle that comes and prepares to embrace the pain that is required to enjoy and appreciate restoration.
And now comes the time where we must part ways.
This boat is not big enough nor are my skills enough to support us all. My ship craft and seafaring are but enough to take me far away and over the sea.
I am not running away from you or it but running towards…
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