The JackB

"When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun'." Groucho Marx

Changes Upon Changes

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There are changes upon changes happening here and elsewhere in my life. Some of them are exciting and some are nerve. wracking.

They’re the kinds of things that are sometimes terribly hard to go through but simultaneously exciting because there is a possibility for big improvements in life.

The challenge lies in not being able to predict what will happen with the kind of authority one would like. There aren’t black and white decisions in which you can easily discern right from wrong.

There are only doors and paths you can choose to open and or walk down knowing that you cannot figure out what the best/worst is without taking a chance.

So you put in your best effort and recognize you may have to pivot and adjust as you go.

Life doesn’t provide you options based upon timing that is good for you. It just happens.

Tales From The Past That Predict The Future

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For a while the wizard and witches exchanged comments and banter and then two voices broke through again.

We have no worries about their individual abilities to break down the walls. The truth is they have always had the ability to walk through the walls each other built. We know this to be true because once we were them.

The wizards and witches looked at the head witch and wizard.

She will always give him a reason why she cannot be with him until he demonstrates to her the reason why she cannot. And when he does she will join her hand in his and never let go.

A Partial Tale Of Two Liars

She Saved My Heart

Those four words should be enough. They should be enough for any person or so the Greek poets might say because some of them love their tragedies.

They love a hero with a tragic flaw. They love to tell a story about magic and magnificence destroyed by some simple and obvious flaw.

But there are other poets and other writers who dare to paint a different picture. Ones who understand that a heart can be broken and rebuilt many times and that there is more magic in the night sky than that exposed by small slivers of moonlight.

Some dare to walk upon the long and winding road because they know they are the kind of person who takes the long way home.

Those who dare to be more, to have more and to do more have to accept the burden of walking through the fallow fields as well as the green. The only way to get to the other side is to go through.

And once you accept that you survived the moments that you thought would stop you in your tracks and understand how to read the map upon the scars, well then you are on your way, aren’t you.

She Saved My Heart

But who am I kidding, this thing we share has never been conventional, ordinary or normal. It has always been something….more. A moment in time that never yellows with age or withers with time. I don’t have to close my eyes to see my girl or stare at your picture. I don’t have to smell your perfume to remember because I always sense your presence. You are always with me, the song of my heart.

and

For now I hope that you walk in the arms of the angel and carry my blessing and promise. If all goes as we wish then one day this will be nothing more than a small chapter in the story we continue to write. Stay safe, be strong and I will see you in the echoes of our future.

Echoes Of The Future

You are out there somewhere. You were always out there. When I walked those streets of Jerusalem and made plans to leave America you were living your life elsewhere. And again you were there when the earth shook and I wondered if this was the moment when the ground would open up and swallow my home.

There has never been a time or moment that you weren’t there. Only moments of ignorance and lack of awareness. You weren’t on my radar or a gleam in my eyes. Perhaps you were a dream that I never wanted to believe in. A dream because I didn’t believe that someone like you was out there.

It is funny in an odd sort of way. I can hear you telling me that you’ll never forgive me for not finding you sooner. I can hear you calling my name.

Lightning Strikes Twice

A New Years Surprise

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Got Jim Croce singing Operator while I think about the New Years Surprise in which I was unfriended and how I feel.

Got mixed emotions because in some ways I feel like I was blindsided and yet still ask myself if I ignored 10,000 signs of what was coming.

Got myself asking what role I played in this and if I could have done anything differently because the person that cut me loose meant quite a bit to me.

I know there was a time when they felt the same about me but maybe that changed. Maybe it went away and I ignored what was obvious.

Yet I come back to other conclusions because they read my words and watched videos. Not too long ago we were speaking throughout the day and I thought we were on a different path.

I won’t apologize for asking to have had a real conversation about where things were and what sort of goals they were focused upon. Got one answer once about it not being the right time or too difficult or some other thing.

More Than Twenty Years

So I sit here in silent mourning thinking about more than 20 years and wondering if that is it forever or if maybe there is more magic.

Some would call me crazy for asking if maybe there is. They’d say that other guy seems quite similar to the guy who lives in PA now and that I am very different.

They’d say I was given every reason not to believe and that actions lead to conclusions that don’t support the idea.

“Sure Jack, there was a time when they would have crawled through fire and across broken glass but that is in the past, deal with the present.”

That’s not a crazy position to take and I’d probably argue it too but every time I thought every ounce of opportunity, potential and possibility had been drained something happened.

So I make like the sad gorilla and lean against the wall telling myself to accept what is and take a long walk into a different reality.

If they came and said they wanted to talk I’d think about ignoring them and let them feel my absence because I was mistreated.

But the flame that has always burned isn’t yet extinguished so I might consider the conversation if I thought there was an explanation.

Would it make me feel better?

Maybe?

Would it make feel worse?

Possible but unlikely because I dislike not knowing the how and why though not as much as not having the conversation I always wanted to have about exploring opportunity in a way that had never been possible before.

Maybe it really is the final curtain call and all of the magic has been exhausted, that is possible. It happens.

But it is possible it is not as well.

We had a brief conversation in person and for a moment I could see our communication flow as freely as it ever did. For a moment I saw the flame and then they shut it down.

I’d testify to that, not that it matters or will ever happen.

Where Does The Path Lead?

I don’t know where it goes, how long it takes or who will or will not be on it. I only know I am walking it alone, no Toto walking beside me.

Can’t say if I’ll find the Scarecrow, Tinman and Lion along the path or if I’ll fight the flying monkeys by myself.

But I am certain I’ll get to where I am going and that my future remains unwritten. So if it doesn’t play out as I thought or hoped I’ll be ok because I always land on my feet, even if I feel like a piece of my heart is missing.

Where I’ll End Up

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I listen to the wind, to the wind of my soul
Where I’ll end up, well, I think only God really knows

Been thinking it is time to take off some of the masks and move into a new place and a new reality. Been thinking I am tired of carrying the weight and it is time to for new beginnings.

Like the song says, “where I’ll end up, I think only God really knows.”

A dear friend told me there is no reason to keep taking a beating and nothing to prove by doing so.

Maybe I wasn’t ready to hear him before, but I am now. So we move forward into the unknown and explore what the future can bring when you do more than just talk about opportunity.

Could Be A Long Day

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I try to start each day with a good attitude and open to possibility but I don’t always succeed.

Today has me wrapped up in thoughts, questions and ideas and it leads me to wonder how it will all play out.

It could be a long day. Could be a very hard day, but it might not.

Much of what is on my mind is outside of my control and so I am doing my best to manage it. When your ship hits stormy waters you do the best you can to sail through it.

Would feel better if I could see land but it is too dark and cloudy to see very far ahead. So this may be one of those take it one moment at a time minutes.

Sometimes adulting is far harder than we want it to be.

What Happens If We Don’t Acknowledge A Birthday?

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I stumbled across some news the other day that has me fired up and I am working through what I want to do about it.

It was something that was hurtful which in turn has led to feelings of anger, sadness and disappointment. I read something online about someone and it answered some questions…maybe.

There is a chance what I read doesn’t mean what I think it does so I have been trying to take a moment to process because I don’t want to jump to conclusions.

I don’t want to waste energy on something that might not be true but my gut thinks my head might be fooling itself. My gut says the reason our heart aches is exactly why we think it does.

Head asks if that is true what do we want to do about it. So part of me wonders what happens if I don’t send out the typical birthday greeting to the individual I am thinking about.

Will it be noticed. Will they care or will they not be bothered at all. Am I being childish thinking about doing such a thing.

Should I Howl At The Moon?

I am bothered by how much this hurts and how disconcerting it is. Should I make like the wolf and howl at the moon.

Will raising a mournful cry make me feel better or will I just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other.

The latter is a definite but the former is questionable so I am howling here and asking myself to be kind.

Kind to me and to not beat myself up for things outside of my control or wishes that I had done something different in the past.

What is done is done and I need to orient my focus on the present and future. But I won’t lie and say this isn’t hard or that this isn’t particularly painful.

My heart hurts.