Correspondence Regarding a Job Offer Part II

Part one of this post can be found here. For the sake of simplicity here is the last piece of correspondence I included in the prior post:

Dear Mr. Jack Ofalltraydes,

We are pleased to accept your position. In order to process your employment we need your banking information. Please send me to this at Johnson.Craig@Alum.com or you will not be functional.

God bless your person,

Mr. Johnson Craig

“Sole Proprietor”

Craig Textiles…

So I spent a little time trying to determine what the most appropriate response to Mr. Johnson Craig would be. This last note reminded me a bit of my friend Lloyd Dobler who once said:

Lloyd Dobler: I don’t want to sell anything, buy anything, or process anything as a career. I don’t want to sell anything bought or processed, or buy anything sold or processed, or process anything sold, bought, or processed, or repair anything sold, bought, or processed. You know, as a career, I don’t want to do that.

My inclination was to just cut and paste this as part of my response, but something compelled me to try and come up with my own reply. Here it is:

Dear Mr. Johnson Craig,

By your last email’s voice I see that you wish to process me for employment purposes. I understand that you need my banking information so I shall do my best to fulfill your request to explain my banking information.

I used to have a mason jar that I filled with spare change. For years I kept it beneath my bed, but not under my mattress because that made it too lumpy. I called it the Bank of Jack.

The Bank of Jack was one of my best inventions. Unfortunately my sister Jill found it. When I saw her with my bank I yelled at her. She took it and ran up a hill. I ran after her. I almost caught her at the top of the hill, but I tripped and fell down and Jill came tumbling after.

Sadly the Bank of Jack broke and I was forced to try something else. Since I could trust Jill I went to the city and opened up an account at a place called This Old Man. And wouldn’t you know it, with knick, knack, paddy whack, this old man earned interest on my money.

Does this answer your questions? Please let me know and I will be happy to provide more knowledge from my well.

Regards,

Mr. Jack Ofalltraydes

Apparently Mr. Johnson Craig was not pleased with my answer.

Dear Mr. Jack Ofalltraydes,

We have made a serious offer of trade and employment for our growth and benefit. I must know your account information so that we can access it to place your deserved rewards and earnings inside it.

If you do not respond within one day we shall reserve this offer of employment.

God Bless you,

Mr. Johnson Craig

“Sole Proprietor”

Craig Textiles…

Now I wouldn’t want my dear friend Mr. Johnson Craig to be disappointed in me so I sent him a response:

Dear Mr. Johnson Craig,
It is important to me that you know that I do not think that this is a joke. When I received your offer I made a video that shows my excitement over this position. Tell me specifically what your heart desires and I shall strive to help you achieve it.

Regards,

Mr. Jack Ofalltraydes

I am curious to see if he actually answers this last note. I was going to try to come up with something more clever, but I got bored. We shall see.