My Dad Has A Problem

There are moments in your child’s life when words fail to convey just how deeply you love them. Sometimes those moments are matched by moments when you can’t believe how this amazing person has managed to make you want to set your hair on fire and run screaming through the woods.

And of course there are an infinite number of moments that lie somewhere between the poles of happiness and Hopping Mad.

If you have spent any time really reading this blog you are probably aware that old Jack has a digestive issues that sometimes sends me running for the hills. Most of the time I am just fine, but every now and the folks below decks, you know the ones that live in steerage decide to make their presence known.

So dear reader allow me to tie the children and digestive system together. Today I had the privilege of taking Jack the younger to school. Most of the time I am not able to do this, so we were both excited. But even though he was excited I never forgot that the dear lad has a devilish streak in him so I made sure to keep a close eye upon him. Keep him on task so that we could leave enough time to get to school before the bell rang.

I was ever so pleased by how the morning went. I made him breakfast, saw that he was dressed, teeth were brushed, hair combed all in plenty of time. It was perfect and then capricious chance made an appearance.

Just as we were heading towards the door the phone rang. I intended to ignore it, we have voicemail for a reason. The dear boy had other plans. With a bounce in his step he glided over to the phone, picked it up and answered it.

By the look on his face I could tell that it was someone that had to speak with me. I took the phone from his hand and found myself conversing with a major VIP and consequently was unable to ask if we could reschedule the call.

That wasn’t the real issue. The problem was that it was at this moment that the engine room rang the deck and insisted on stopping the ship. I apologized to my son and hurried off to ask Scotty and company to recharge the dilithium crystals post haste.

Upon completion of my task we headed off to school and headed straight for the office to get a late note for my son. And that’s where the imp decided to zing me. He walked into the office and told the woman behind the counter the following.

J: I am not lazy. I didn’t mean to be late.
Office lady: That is good.

J: I would have been here on time, except my dad has a problem.

If I am not mistaken there was an echo and the words “My dad has a problem” repeated over and over. It was just the sort of thing you want hanging in the air.

As the office lady stared at me I offered a tooth filled grin and made some sort of comment about kids saying the darnedest things.

She brushed it off, handed him the late note and the two of us headed down the hall. I looked at him and said that we need to have a discussion about what is appropriate for conversation and what isn’t.

He told me that he already knew what I was going to say. So I looked at him and asked him to tell me.

“Don’t play with your penis in public.”

Just as he was telling me this two of the fifth grade teachers walked around the corner. The look on their faces made it quite clear that they had heard him say this. Maybe I was feeling overly self conscious, but that look made me wonder if they didn’t think that he was chastising me.

Great. The office lady thinks I have a problem and the fifth grade teachers think that I am playing pocket pool. I can’t wait for his Bar Mitzvah, I am so going to tell a few of the old stories.

Speaking of old stories I came across a slew that I thought I’d share with you again.

Mr Nobody Made Me Do it
Proud and Humbled By the Four-Year-Old
Things My Four-Year-Old Has Done
A Six Year Old Wonders
Where Babies Come From
Profanity- The Children Learn New Words Part Deux
Sex & Children
Great Moments In Parenting- Parts of our Body That Grow
Are You Smarter Than A Rabbi? Part I
Are You Smarter Than A Rabbi? Part II