A Deal With The Devil

There are a million tales of about people who have made a deal with the devil and what happen afterwards. Most of the stories that I am familiar with follow a simple storyline in which the ‘hero’ exchanges their soul for the chance to live their dreams. Inevitably they face some sort of life changing challenge and undergo some sort of epiphany in which they wish to go back to their old life because they suddenly appreciate it in ways that they had been unable to before.

I mention this because I am still in the midst of a transition that is taking far longer than I ever could have imagined. If you picture life as a journey than it is safe to say that I am approaching the crossroads and  am going to have to make some very hard decisions. Though I kid around and say that I make all decisions with my Magic 8 Ball the reality is that I won’t do that here because the stakes are high. It is troubling to me for a variety of reasons the majority of which lie in my concern for my children. The choices I make impact them in ways that none of us can predict.

As their father my job is to protect and educate them so I can’t help but be concerned about changes and transitions that will affect them. Because I love them I worry about some of this in ways that I never do for myself. That doesn’t make me noble, it makes me a parent.

It frustrates and concerns me because I feel like every attempt I make to try and gain a better sense of what could happen if I pick Door #1 is thwarted by the fog across my eyes. I am frustrated because I feel like I have an anaconda wrapped around my trunk and he is slowly squeezing the life out of me. This is not melodrama or hyperbole.

But if you know me than you know that I have a grip that would make a gorilla jealous and am stubborn in ways that mules can only dream of. If you know me than you know that I my nature is to launch my own campaign of shock and awe against the snake. You know that in my mind that sucker cannot possibly withstand the firestorm that I am about to unleash upon it. I will batter it senseless and turn it into boots and belts that I’ll sell to designer boutiques. Not only will I feast upon its carcass the money I earn from selling its skin will pay for their education.

Yet age has taught me to temper my response and consider options, opportunities and possibilities. Age has taught me that I can lose a battle here and there and that I need to be prepared for that possibility.  So when I speak of shock and awe the campaign isn’t limited to the physical aspect but the mental too.

So when my kids look at me and ask why I am lost in thought it is because I am letting my mind wander for a few. Letting it wander whichever way the current chooses to take it. Over the years I have found that to be a good way to release tension and to gain a deeper understanding of what is troubling me and potential solutions.

Don’t know if this provides any insight to outsiders but one day my kids will read this and remember that dad didn’t take a shortcut. No deals were made with the devil or at least none with the intent or understanding of who I was dealing with. And should it come to light that I have engaged with Lucifer, Beelzebub, Old Scratch or whatever you want to call him they know that I will take him out.

Because that is what I do. End of silly post.