“Oh, Baby, it’s cryin’ time, Oh, Baby, I got to fly.
Got to try to find a way, Got to try to get away,
‘Cause you know I gotta get away from you, Babe.”
Four Sticks– Led Zeppelin
Midnight fast approaches and I am back at the computer wrestling to find the words that tell the stories I want to tell and to paint the pictures I want you to see. The music speaks to me and I wonder if maybe the universe is sending me a message.
It is fueling my fire and fanning the flames that burn in  my belly. I know this much is true: I want to write something that will be remembered. I want to write words that touch people and change lives.
Not sure if I have ever shared that before or if I have even been aware of it until now. Maybe I was afraid to say so, maybe I just didn’t know. Either way it makes no difference because I have said he words out loud and placed them here where they will bear witness to the promises I have made, those I have kept and those I haven’t.
The question I am mulling over in my mind is who do I want to remember me and why. Is is my ego and ambition large enough to go for broke. Will I shoot the moon and try to touch as many lives as possible or am I focused on just a few.
There is a story here that has already touched many. It has been discovered by some who think they know something more about it. It has been found by someone who thinks they play a central role in it but I will not confirm nor deny.
It is not because I am being coy, clever or adversarial but because I don’t think of things in those terms. I am still telling, sifting and sorting and am unwilling to commit to one place, moment or person.
“I had to escape , the city was sticky and cruel
Maybe I should have called you first
But I was dying to get to you
I was dreaming while I drove
The long straight road ahead
Uh-huh, yeah”
I Drove All Night– Roy Orbison
I have noticed that my best writing is often centered around my ability to tap into raw emotion and I am not pleased by this. It doesn’t always work this way but it happens more frequently than I like.
My ability to string words together is a gift and I don’t want that based upon anger, joy or sorrow. I want to call it upon it and have it answer regardless of time, place or situation. It is part of why I practice writing. I want to improve. I want to become better.
The goal at the end of the rainbow is to write the work that I mentioned earlier but in the interim I want to take joy in the journey. I talk to my children about this frequently- live now. Enjoy this moment. Things change. People grow. People move. People die.
Pay attention and be in the moment.
Questions
I want to know Are you living the life you expected to live and if not are you happy? If you aren’t happy what are you doing about it? It is tied into another discussion I have with my children. We talk about how this last year was rough and filled with changes.
We talk about how some of them were good and some were bad. I want them to remember that when things go to hell we are charged with adapting and adjusting. Some of the most frustrating moments of my life are tied into this time but I never stopped moving. I never stopped trying to change it up and I think I am on my way, but only time will tell.
The point isn’t to portray myself as a hero. It is merely to say that we have to be our own advocates. When we want things to happen we need to do what we can with what we have to make it happen.
I haven’t failed or succeeded. I am somewhere in between. But most nights I go to bed knowing that I have done my best and that is enough…for now.
To Be Remembered
The way to be remembered is take a chance and to seize the opportunities that come. But I already shared you with the desire, my desire to write that book and to tell that story.
I wonder if you can feel the energy that comes flying out of me and flowing through my fingertips. I wonder if it translates or if you are sitting there rolling your eyes because I sound like a hopped up, over zealous fool.
Ultimately it doesn’t really matter because I only know how to do this as me. Some of you will like me and some of you won’t. That is just how it goes.
This is part of Just Write #46. It is an exercise in free writing that I strongly urge you to consider participating in.
I can’t believe no one has commented on this. No doubt they don’t want to be the first to say Hell no I’m not living the life I thought I’d be living, so allow me. I have great kids and I love, love, love writing, but I should be far more successful by now. I should be in a house, not an apartment and the love of my life realyy should have shown up by now. So what am I doing to change things? I’m refusing to give up. I’ve published two books myself, Searching for My Wand and On a Hot August Afternoon, and I’m working on publishing a third while working everyday to promote the first two. Although it’s slow, I am making definite progress and I am following my dreams, so although not as happy as I’d like to be, I am hopeful that better times are ahead.
seasidesmores It is always easy for an outsider to give their opinion but it sounds to me like you have some really good things in your court. I haven’t published any books yet and have great respect for those who have.It is not easy, but you got it done and that alone is pretty damn cool.