Dear Mr. Johnson,
Many years ago in a galaxy far, far away there was simple farmer named Luke. I am not talking about the Luke Duke who drove the General Lee, but the man who blew up the Death Star and defeated the emperor.
Those are pretty big accomplishments for a simple farmer. I can be that guy for you. All you have to do is hire me and I can be your Luke. That is a pretty good deal for you because that would make you Obi Wan-Kenobi. Of course I can’t promise you that I’ll save you from Darth Vader or anyone going postal in the office.
In fact if someone freaks out I just might hide in a cubicle. But the good news is that I am a pretty good shot with rubber bands and paper clips. So if you keep me supplied I might be able to shoot someone in the eye. So in reality that is of benefit to you.
Let’s take a moment to review some of the other reasons why it would be stupid not to hire me.
The class of 1986 voted me Most Likely to Drive an Ice Cream Truck. That is the kind of honor that not everyone receives. It is proof that they believed that I would be great at running my own franchise and that I am conscientious worker. Not everyone can keep the ice cream from melting or do simple math. Give me a $1.50 for a Bomb Pop and I’ll give you proper change, unless of course you charge $1.65 in which case I’ll ask you for more money.
As a boy scout I always won the campfire contest. That is the one where you are tested to see who can start a fire the fastest. Not every carries a Bic Lighter and some hair spray around, but I do because you never know when you might need a fire.
I am really good at microwaving popcorn. Not everyone knows how to do it, but I do. I won’t make the office stink. Unless you take me out for Mexican food or feed me dairy. But heck, lactose intolerance is a certifiable medical condition. And since you are a professional you must know that we all deal with occasional bouts of flatulence. That is why I like to play the radio at my desk, so that no one has to listen to uncomfortable noises.
Unlike other employees I won’t lie about why I am missing work. Sometimes I just don’t feel like coming in, we all need personal time. I am sure that you agree that this is the sort of honesty your company needs.
Which I suppose is why you really don’t need to interview anyone else for the job. Really, you should just call me and tell me when I can come in to sign papers. Probably better to do it sooner so that my medical benefits kick in. That way I can be sure to bring you a real doctor’s note when I am out sick.
Do you see how I just proved my honesty again. I won’t fake a doctor’s note, I’ll get you a real one that you can show everyone so that when I am out on disability no one feels badly. Anyway, it sounds like we have worked most of this out. Call me and I’ll tell you what bank I use so that we can set up a direct deposit account.
Thank you for being so cool. I look forward to coming in. May the Force be with you.
Sincerely,
Jack, the guy who can’t wait to be your Luke.
(This is what you call evergreen material. It originally ran here.)
This is awesome. I laughed out loud for at least the first three paragraphs. Pop culture references galore that make me feel like you were the boy in lee jeans who used to live down the street from me and set his extra Han Solo figure on fire to see what he’d really look like when he melted.
I’m still pretty new to your blog and have no idea if you want or need more followers, but I definitely want people I know to know about you and your writing! SO…. I nominated you for a Liebster Award.
Check it out:
http://imadealiyah.wordpress.com/2013/02/19/and-yadda-yadda-yadda-i-got-nominated-for-an-award/
Hi Jen,
Thank you, I appreciate it. I am glad you stumbled onto the blog, unfortunately I am fresh out of Krembo now so you’ll have to settle for some virtual chumuous and Pita. 😉
I’m not sure I’d know how to microwave popcorn. That’s certainly a great skill to have! 🙂
Hi Tim,
It is an important skill, burn it and your whole office stinks. 😉
That was great. (Is it for real?)
It actually reminded me of the “best” review of the movie “Les Miserables.” Here it is:
“Les Miserables review by Sam Richardson…Went to the movies with the wife. We saw this obscure movie I had never heard of, some French foreign film. They must have been giving away free tickets because the lines were out the door. Anyway, the movie starts and Wolverine is singing his guts out. Then Catwoman starts crying and singing, and it’s all very moving. The only problem was, the girl next to me, who had apparently read the book or something, starts singing along. It was very distracting. So Wolverine is on the run from the Gladiator because Catwoman had a baby at Borat’s house, but now she wants Wolverine to care for her. Time skip. A bunch of kids get shot, and in the end everyone dies. Four stars.”
Now there’s a review, and a cover letter!
Hi Ron,
I haven’t seen that review of Les Mis, but I love it. That is one of the most awesome write ups I have ever read. I love that, had me chuckle out loud more than once.
BR-549, that’s the number to call…………..
I am on it. ; )
That was a riot – I needed a good laugh today 🙂
Send that to The Donald and see if he replies back with a job offer.
The Donald should make me The Apprentice.
Microwaving popcorn is quite a talent, huh. I wonder how to do that.
It’s a dying art.
This is my first time seeing this and it’s so awesome. I absolutely adore this. Hope you are doing well in your transition!
Hi Christie,
Thank you. I am glad you enjoyed it. The transition is going well, thank you.
Jack,
I love this cover letter! I think you and I would be in the same boat…”I am really good at microwaving popcorn” too. The humor in kept me laughing to the very end. You were the class of 86? I was the class of 88….we are very close in age…I recall seeing Star Wars at the movies the first time and waiting in line forever….good times….
Aaron Brinker aka DadBlunders
Hi Aaron,
Microwaving popcorn is a valuable skill, burn it and the entire office goes nuts. 😉
Technically I am part of the class of ’87, but at this point what difference does a year make.