5 Amazing Jedi Mind Tricks That Make People Read Your Post

Congratulations you just got sucked in by a “great” headline and are now part of an informal study about blogging. Have no fear I won’t reveal your identity nor do I promise to provide real scientific data for this study.

Instead I shall follow in the grand tradition of so many others and write a post that supports my hypothesis that headlines are overrated. So now let’s move on and see how many come seeking information and who comes because I have used the force to suck them in. If you aren’t using the force to generate readers and bring in traffic I suggest that you rectify that immediately.

One of the best ways that you can do that is by purchasing the ebook I haven’t yet written but will provided that a minimum of 500 people pay the never to be so low again price of $37.50. There is alternative for those who are too foolish, ignorant, stupid and or skeptical to pay me up front. All you need to do is send me three low payments of $19.95 and I’ll do the rest.

Can you see the immense value in my proposition. Don’t bother answering that was a rhetorical question. I never doubted that you would recognize it. Fact is that by taking the time to read these words you not only gained IQ points but also proved that you have exceptional taste. Congratulations on that. It makes you part of an elite group of influencers who have the kind of clout that Klout wishes it had.

You Just Won A Prize

Because your smart, wise and witty you have won a part in the American Blogger movie, you know the one that is being made by the white guy whose white wife discovered this nifty thing called a blog and got into social media.

And since I am feeling saucy today I won’t insult anyone by suggesting that I know sock monkeys with more writing talent. Ok, I lied.

Sock monkeys have far more talent than several of you, especially people who get into silly pissing contests with me. Ya know if you are going to be a pretentious blogger and douse me in your sanctimonious snark you might not want to spend 15 minutes rifling through the pages here trying to  figure out who I really am.

If I wanted you to know my name is Kaizer Soze I would tell you I am Kaizer Soze and then attempt to sound extra cool by saying “Bitch” with authority.

Really, that is how I roll…just like Jesse Pinkman.

A Note To Women

Dear ladies some of you find it funny to write posts describing your husband in ways that make him appear to be a buffoon, clown and or moron.

Sometimes you include funny stories about how poorly he parents and then you wonder aloud how you manage to keep up with your big kid as well as the little ones.

When I read these posts I often wonder if you really think the man you married and or let impregnate you is a fool. Do you really think he is as stupid as you portray him because I wonder if you see how that reflects upon you.

Methinks it might be interesting to see how you’d respond to a post in which you were ridiculed in the name of humor. If we follow the model some of you have established we can call you names too and assuage any anger you might feel by saying our post was funny.

Really, it was a funny post and if you had a sense of humor you’d understand why you were described as a frigid, stone hearted woman who is incapable of taking care of herself or small people without help.

What The Hell Is This Post About?

If I told you this post was about how to become a better writer/blogger would you believe it? Would you click on Twenty-Five Links That Will Make You A Better Writer/Blogger?

Or would you be more likely to read something like The GermoPhobe or  A Father Describes Parenting?

Hell maybe it is more accurate to say this post is about nothing and everything with the hope that you’ll find something.

Have no fear. Stick around a bit longer and I promise to share a good story or twenty and maybe a trick or two you’ll find useful. All I know is that I have learned we rarely have Plenty of Time.

See you on this side or the next.