Don’t have it in me to try and translate this song for you because it requires more than just providing lyrics in English.
It would be similar to asking me to tell you about Springsteen’s Born To Run, Marlowe’s Passionate Shepherd poem and what they mean to me.
We’re not talking about a report for an English class but the kind of intimate explanation you provide to someone you want to understand you on a deeper level.
And I am tired, physically and mentally.
Been carrying a load that I hadn’t realized was extra heavy and it has caught up with me. The funny thing about it is in so many ways life is really good now.
The work I have put in to make it go a certain way has paid off and I am 90 percent of the way or something close to it.
That is a good thing and I am grateful but now I have to take it off of my shoulders, this load and catch my breath because the last part of the journey is going to require even more.
Don’t doubt that I will make it but this pause is how I take a moment so that I can recharge my battery because it is going to take some grit to go the distance.
Probably part of why I have seen so many docs lately, I subconsciously knew this was coming and began to prepare for it.
The ‘Gifts’ Of Aging
One of my daughters best friends is walking the streets of Jerusalem now in a program far different than the one she is in here in the states.
She hears stories via Whatsapp and various methods that make the world a smaller place but she doesn’t know the world her friend is in the way I do.
Nor does she have the benefit of life experience to have similar expectations to mine and that is ok, she doesn’t need to.
I haven’t volunteered much and intend to stay silent because it is not my place to prognosticate about 18 year-olds and their dream.
Nor will I tell her about the people I know who went down similar paths and years later are divorced and far less religious than they were.
Not my world or my place, my focus is on other things.
Got a girl who scored higher than most of the class on her Chemistry test but is frustrated that she didn’t meet her own expectations.
Been talking to her about grit and remembering that she has been in college for all of five weeks. Her old man had a very different experience during the first five weeks but he was never as driven as she is in some areas.
Though I can say I was and am as driven in some areas as she has ever been. Her drive didn’t just materialize from nothing.
What The Docs Have Said
Overall the docs have said I am doing well and offered counsel for ways to do better. Still need to get back to my PCP to get that broader view of things but have refused to go in.
Why?
Because I want to be in better shape when I go and have been seeing progress. Overall I feel good but could feel far better.
I attribute some of that to frustration with particular areas of life. Once I get those fixed or at least adjusted I think I’ll stop carrying some of this weight and that will have a positive impact.
For now I am just working through it because I can’t wait for things to happen. Can’t say it is all contingent upon one thing or another.
So I am rollng with what I have got and doing what I can.
As I said above, things are pretty good overall so I am keeping my fingers corssed that I can maintain the momentum even as I deal with some of the brain damage life throws at us.
Maybe that is one of the gifts of aging, the knowledge tomorrow isn’t promised so we act upon it all today, whatever ‘all’ is.
Aging is both terrible and… well… not so terrible. lol
I have pains that suddenly pop up, and I have no idea where they come from. Eventually they’ll go away, but then something else pops up; maybe it’s the way I sleep, but there’s nothing to do about that.
I’ve mentally caught up with more of where I want to be, but opportunities aren’t knocking on my door at the present time, since I spent 5 years taking care of my mother and put my career on hold. I’m glad I did that, but overcoming the grief of it took me longer than I thought it would, but I’m not crying about that. What I can say is that I don’t have any relatives left to engender that kind of grief again; isn’t that a shame?
What I’m glad about is that I still have blogs where I can write my opinions about things I believe in and things I wish some people would change as far as how they reached their perspectives; I’m sure some might think the same about me. At the same time, I’m glad I live alone and pretty much stay to myself in person, so that I don’t have to worry about physically interacting with people whose positions on certain topics might irk me to no end.
That’s the hardest part about getting older, the reduction of people you know who you can sit down with and have general conversations about anything, even if there’s a few things you might disagree on, and remain civil with each other. Although I say that things have changed in this country, when I think about it I know in my mind that things have always changed, but that doesn’t mean they’ve always changed in the way I wish, and it’ll never happen.
Then again, if I could just hit one of the national lottery’s when it’s over $100 million, I probably wouldn’t care as much. lol
That last part is what really strikes me, the reduction of people to sit with not just from the perspective of civil disagreement but those who have lived through the moments with us.
And grief, yeah I am familiar with that too. The queen was right about it being the price we pay for love. It is worth the cost even if sometimes it is pretty damn high.
Ego is part of the issue with aging for me, that is the reality. Have to set some of it aside and deal with reality but balance that against what is possible too.