The JackB

"When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun'." Groucho Marx

Bathroom Stuff

For A Good Time Call…

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I have quickly learned that having children who can read presents all sorts of new challenges. My son reads everything and anything he sees. I love it. I love watching the excitement in his eyes as he sounds out new words. I love it when he asks me to what words mean and how to use them. But sometimes it does present challenges.

During a recent trip to the mall we had to make a stop at one one of the bathrooms. The interior of the stall was decorated in the latest graffiti. This was one of those unforeseen challenges that parenting seems to be chock full of.

Son: Who is Julie?
Dad: Julie who?

Son: I don’t know her last name.
Dad: Why not?

Son: It didn’t say.
Dad: What didn’t say?

Son: It just said her first name.
Dad: What did.

Son: The writing in the bathroom.
Dad: It did?

Son: Yes. It said “For a good time call Julie.”
Dad: Oh.

Son: Is she fun to play with?
Dad: I don’t know.

Son: Does she have a lot of good toys?
Dad: I don’t know.

Son: Why did it say to call her? Does she like playing with boys?
Dad: I don’t know. Maybe someone is playing a trick on her.

Son: Would you like playing with Julie?
Dad: I don’t know her.

Son: It says that you’d have fun. Maybe you should call her. You’ve been grumpy lately.
Dad: I don’t think Julie wants to hear from me.

Son: She might. You could teach her things. She might like to learn some tricks from you.
Dad: That’s ok. She probably has better things to do.

Son: But why is her name there?
Dad: Someone is playing a trick on her.

Son: I don’t really like playing with girls.
Dad: I know. One day that might change.

Son: No way!
Dad: I wouldn’t worry about it.

Son: I am not. I run too fast, besides I know what to do.
Dad: Oh? What do you too.

Son: Sammy and David’s mommy have babies in their tummies.
Dad: That is called being pregnant.

Son: Right, their pregnant. They always say that they’re tired.
Dad: Pregnant women get tired pretty easily.

Son: We should get all the girls pregnant.
Dad: What? Why would you say that?

Son: Because if we get them all pregnant they’ll be too tired to bother us.
Dad: There are probably better ways than that.

Son: Sammy’s dad told him that getting his mommy pregnant was really fun.
Dad: Why did he tell him that?

Son: Sammy said that he heard having babies was hard and he didn’t want his daddy to get hurt.
Dad: He did?

Son: Yes, he said that he told his daddy he didn’t want him to yell like that pregnant lady on television.
Dad: So what Sammy’s dad say?

Son: He said that getting mommies pregnant is something that boys like to do, but I don’t think I want to.
Dad: You probably should wait until you’re married.

Son: But girls bother us. If we get them pregnant they’ll be too tired to chase us.
Dad: Believe me, that won’t stop them. Anyway, I don’t want you and your friends running around talking about getting girls pregnant. That is for grownups who love each other.

Son: Jonah’s mom and dad must really love each other. They have a lot of kids.
Dad: $*%*(**U*$

Ok, that last line was totally fabricated, but it fits in with the theme of the post. I tuned out graffiti so long ago that it didn’t occur to me that it would lead to such a wacky discussion. Actually, I can’t really say that it was a wacky discussion either. In it is own crazy way it made sense.

More than anything else it really reminds me that I have to be extra careful and alert about what kind of reading material is around my kids at all time. Just when you think that you have this parenting thing down something new comes along. Life does have its moments.

My Dad Has A Problem

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There are moments in your child’s life when words fail to convey just how deeply you love them. Sometimes those moments are matched by moments when you can’t believe how this amazing person has managed to make you want to set your hair on fire and run screaming through the woods.

And of course there are an infinite number of moments that lie somewhere between the poles of happiness and Hopping Mad.

If you have spent any time really reading this blog you are probably aware that old Jack has a digestive issues that sometimes sends me running for the hills. Most of the time I am just fine, but every now and the folks below decks, you know the ones that live in steerage decide to make their presence known.

So dear reader allow me to tie the children and digestive system together. Today I had the privilege of taking Jack the younger to school. Most of the time I am not able to do this, so we were both excited. But even though he was excited I never forgot that the dear lad has a devilish streak in him so I made sure to keep a close eye upon him. Keep him on task so that we could leave enough time to get to school before the bell rang.

I was ever so pleased by how the morning went. I made him breakfast, saw that he was dressed, teeth were brushed, hair combed all in plenty of time. It was perfect and then capricious chance made an appearance.

Just as we were heading towards the door the phone rang. I intended to ignore it, we have voicemail for a reason. The dear boy had other plans. With a bounce in his step he glided over to the phone, picked it up and answered it.

By the look on his face I could tell that it was someone that had to speak with me. I took the phone from his hand and found myself conversing with a major VIP and consequently was unable to ask if we could reschedule the call.

That wasn’t the real issue. The problem was that it was at this moment that the engine room rang the deck and insisted on stopping the ship. I apologized to my son and hurried off to ask Scotty and company to recharge the dilithium crystals post haste.

Upon completion of my task we headed off to school and headed straight for the office to get a late note for my son. And that’s where the imp decided to zing me. He walked into the office and told the woman behind the counter the following.

J: I am not lazy. I didn’t mean to be late.
Office lady: That is good.

J: I would have been here on time, except my dad has a problem.

If I am not mistaken there was an echo and the words “My dad has a problem” repeated over and over. It was just the sort of thing you want hanging in the air.

As the office lady stared at me I offered a tooth filled grin and made some sort of comment about kids saying the darnedest things.

She brushed it off, handed him the late note and the two of us headed down the hall. I looked at him and said that we need to have a discussion about what is appropriate for conversation and what isn’t.

He told me that he already knew what I was going to say. So I looked at him and asked him to tell me.

“Don’t play with your penis in public.”

Just as he was telling me this two of the fifth grade teachers walked around the corner. The look on their faces made it quite clear that they had heard him say this. Maybe I was feeling overly self conscious, but that look made me wonder if they didn’t think that he was chastising me.

Great. The office lady thinks I have a problem and the fifth grade teachers think that I am playing pocket pool. I can’t wait for his Bar Mitzvah, I am so going to tell a few of the old stories.

Speaking of old stories I came across a slew that I thought I’d share with you again.

Mr Nobody Made Me Do it
Proud and Humbled By the Four-Year-Old
Things My Four-Year-Old Has Done
A Six Year Old Wonders
Where Babies Come From
Profanity- The Children Learn New Words Part Deux
Sex & Children
Great Moments In Parenting- Parts of our Body That Grow
Are You Smarter Than A Rabbi? Part I
Are You Smarter Than A Rabbi? Part II

A Toilet Revolution

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It is sad to think that Mr. Whipple didn’t live long enough to lead the toilet revolution. Then again he might have been torn between whether to support the World Toilet Association or the World Toilet Organization.

Maybe they need to a hold a world series of toilets or some kind of cage match between the organizations. I’d really hate to think about how much we’re losing because of competing organizations. Can’t we just flush along.

SEOUL, South Korea (AP) — The World Toilet Association kicked off its inaugural conference Thursday, hoping to spark a sanitation revolution that will save lives through better hygiene and break taboos about what happens behind closed bathroom doors.

To the celebratory rhythms of a percussionist beating on toilets, dozens of government delegates and U.N. representatives began two days of discussions on improving bathroom facilities for the 2.6 billion people worldwide who lack access to proper restrooms.

Dr. Shigeru Omi, western Pacific director of the World Health Organization, said 1.8 million people die annually due to diseases related to inadequate sanitation, 90 percent of them children younger than 5.

Providing healthy bathroom facilities worldwide would cost some $10 billion a year — equal to 1 percent of world military spending or what Europeans annually spend on ice cream, he said. The new association aims to provide toilet facilities to impoverished countries, provide for urgent sanitation needs after natural disasters and spread information and technology for improving toilets.

The South Korean government has given strong backing to the World Toilet Association, which has been spearheaded by the country’s “Mr. Toilet” — parliament member Sim Jae-duck. He earned his nickname for improving public restrooms for the 2002 World Cup as mayor of Suwon city.

“The restroom revolution will provide hope and happiness to mankind,” Sim told delegates.

The group is not associated with the World Toilet Organization, another body that was founded in 2001 by Singapore’s Jack Sim, has 44 member countries and similarly seeks to improve toilet sanitation in the third world.

South Korea’s Sim, who has built a toilet-shaped house in his hometown, was unanimously elected Thursday as the new association’s first president.

Mayor Toilet Wishes To Speak

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The mayor is my kind of guy.

SIM Jae-Duck was born in a toilet and now he plans to live and die in one – a $US1.6 million ($1.8m) toilet-shaped house designed to promote his tireless campaign for cleaner loos worldwide.

Mr Sim will open what is billed as the world’s one and only toilet house on November 11 to mark the launch of his World Toilet Association.

The 419 sq m concrete and glass structure is rising on the site of Mr Sim’s former home in his native city of Suweon, 40km south of Seoul.

Before he moves in, anyone who is flush with funds can rent it for $US50,000 a day – with proceeds going to his campaign to provide poor countries with proper sanitary facilities.

Apart from two bedrooms, two guestrooms and other rooms, the two-storey house – of course – features three deluxe toilets.

Unlike the giant toilet in which they are located, they will not be see-through affairs.

“A showcase bathroom screened by a glass wall is located in its centre, while other toilets have elegant fittings or water conservation devices,” Mr Sim said.

The showcase loo will feature a device producing a mist to make users feel secure. An electronic sensor will raise the lid automatically when people enter, and there will also be music for patrons.

The house, complete with a stream and small garden in front, is named Haewoojae, meaning “a place of sanctuary where one can solve one’s worries”.

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