The JackB

"When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun'." Groucho Marx

Business

Walmart- The Empire Strikes Back

Well it appears that the rebel’s attack on the empire did not succeed and now they are striking back.

Time reports that Walmart has unveiled its very own Deathstar, called Project Impact.

“One goal of Project Impact is cleaner, less cluttered stores that will improve the shopping experience. Another is friendlier customer service. A third: home in on categories where the competition can be killed. “They’ve got Kmart ready to take a standing eight-count next year,” says retail consultant Burt Flickinger III, managing director for Strategic Resources Group and a veteran Walmart watcher. “Same with Rite Aid. They’ve knocked out four of the top five toy retailers, and are now going after the last one standing, Toys “R” Us. Project Impact will be the catalyst to wipe out a second round of national and regional retailers.”

So what does one of these stores look like? Let’s save the goofy photos for a moment and return to the article:

“One recent weekday afternoon I toured a brand new, 210,000-sq.-ft. Walmart in West Deptford, N.J., with Lance De La Rosa, the company’s Northeast general manager. “We’ve listened to our customers, and they want an easier shopping experience,” says De La Rosa. “We’ve brightened up the stores and opened things up to make it more navigable.” One of the most noticeable changes is that Project Impact stores reshape Action Alley, the aisles where promotional items were pulled off the shelves and prominently displayed for shoppers. Those stacks both crowded the aisles and cut off sight lines. Now, the aisles are all clear, and you can see most sections of the store from any vantage point. For example, standing on the corner intersection of the auto-care and crafts areas, you can look straight ahead and see where shoes, pet care, groceries, the pharmacy and other areas are located. And the discount price tags are still at eye level, so the value message doesn’t get lost.

“They are like roads,” De La Rosa says proudly. “And look around, the customers are using them. We’ve already gotten feedback about the wider, more breathable aisles. Our shoppers love them.”

The layout is also smarter. “You can kind of guess where everything is going to be,” says Sharon Tilotta, 73, a shopper in the West Deptford store. The pharmacy, pet foods, cosmetics and health and beauty sections are now adjacent to the groceries. In the past, groceries and these other sections were often at opposite ends of the store, which made it more difficult for someone looking to pick up some quick consumables to get in and out of Walmart. “Under Project Impact, Walmart is providing more of a full supermarket experience within its walls,” says Feldman.”

I am not so sure that I like what I am reading. Competition is healthy. Sounds like they are going to force the smaller guys to work really hard on finding ways to maintain marketshare.

The Business Letter/Email Signatures With Bonus Audio

(playing in the background Wreck of The Edmund Fitzgerald)

For those of you who want an abbreviated version of this you can click on the link above. Otherwise here is essentially what I said.

During a recent conversation with a co-worker I realized that fewer and fewer of us remember a workplace in which computers were not included. Truth is that my own experience is limited in that respect, it has been 14 years or so since I worked in an office that didn’t provide computers for virtually all of its employees.

Back in those days I used a big yellow notepad to hand write business letters. I then passed those along to my secretary who would type them up and ready them for mailing. Those days are long gone, in large part to the prevalence of email. Since almost everything I send out is via email it is far easier for me to simply type the letters myself.

It is funny to think about how many changes have taken place in such a short time. I remember being taught in school how to write a business letter. I can still hear my teacher explaining the layout and format, how each piece had a specific location. If I close my eyes I can almost see her point to the salutation, the body and the signature.

Assuming that time hasn’t totally clouded my memory we were taught to use a few basic signatures. They included:

Yours Truly,
Kind Regards,
Sincerely,

As well as numerous variations of all three. But I don’t remember being taught that we had another option, “Best.”

When I become king of the world I am going to ban use of that as a signature. Best is the most superficial, fake and pretentious signature I have seen. I hate it, just hate it. Don’t know exactly why, but it just sets me off.

To be clear, I don’t think that the people who use it intend for it to come off as poorly as it does with me. But it doesn’t matter, I interpret it as being no different than being asked “how are you doing” by someone who doesn’t care how I am doing.

It just chaps my hide. I’d write more but I have to send out the kind of emails that pay the bills.

A Great Cover Letter

Here is another example of an effective cover letter.

Dear Mr. Johnson,

Many years ago in a galaxy far, far away there was simple farmer named Luke. I am not talking about the Luke Duke who drove the General Lee, but the man who blew up the Death Star and defeated the emperor.

Those are pretty big accomplishments for a simple farmer. I can be that guy for you. All you have to do is hire me and I can be your Luke. That is a pretty good deal for you because that would make you Obi Wan-Kenobi. Of course I can’t promise you that I’ll save you from Darth Vader or anyone going postal in the office.

In fact if someone freaks out I just might hide in a cubicle. But the good news is that I am a pretty good shot with rubber bands and paper clips. So if you keep me supplied I might be able to shoot someone in the eye. So in reality that is of benefit to you.

Let’s take a moment to review some of the other reasons why it would be stupid not to hire me.

The class of 1986 voted me Most Likely to Drive an Ice Cream Truck. That is the kind of honor that not everyone receives. It is proof that they believed that I would be great at running my own franchise and that I am conscientious worker. Not everyone can keep the ice cream from melting or do simple math. Give me a $1.50 for a Bomb Pop and I’ll give you proper change, unless of course you charge $1.65 in which case I’ll ask you for more money.

As a boy scout I always won the campfire contest. That is the one where you are tested to see who can start a fire the fastest. Not every carries a Bic Lighter and some hair spray around, but I do because you never know when you might need a fire.

I am really good at microwaving popcorn. Not everyone knows how to do it, but I do. I won’t make the office stink. Unless you take me out for Mexican food or feed me dairy. But heck, lactose intolerance is a certifiable medical condition. And since you are a professional you must know that we all deal with occasional bouts of flatulence. That is why I like to play the radio at my desk, so that no one has to listen to uncomfortable noises.

Unlike other employees I won’t lie about why I am missing work. Sometimes I just don’t feel like coming in, we all need personal time. I am sure that you agree that this is the sort of honesty your company needs.

Which I suppose is why you really don’t need to interview anyone else for the job. Really, you should just call me and tell me when I can come in to sign papers. Probably better to do it sooner so that my medical benefits kick in. That way I can be sure to bring you a real doctor’s note when I am out sick.

Do you see how I just proved my honesty again. I won’t fake a doctor’s note, I’ll get you a real one that you can show everyone so that when I am out on disability no one feels badly. Anyway, it sounds like we have worked most of this out. Call me and I’ll tell you what bank I use so that we can set up a direct deposit account.

Thank you for being so cool. I look forward to coming in. May the Force be with you.

Sincerely,

Jack, the guy who can’t wait to be your Luke.

My Cover Letter

(This is a copy of the cover letter I send out when I am looking for work)

Dear Hiring Manager,

If you are need in of adding to the mediocrity of your department and want someone who can fill a cubicle than I might be the right person for the job.

Most days I’ll come in somewhere close to our agreed upon starting time. I’ll slowly make my way to my desk and then collapse in my seat where I’ll spend precious moments building a paper clip necklace or staring aimlessly at the calendar.

While I wait for my computer to boot up I’ll head over to the kitchen because you can’t really expect me to start working without a cup of coffee. With any luck Jim or Sue will have had the good sense to bring in some donuts because a day at the office without a donut just isn’t the same.

Eventually I’ll make my way back to my desk to begin my day. But before I get started I’ll have to check my Facebook account and see if any of my friends have put up any funny jokes that I can steal and claim for my own.

Besides I learned in business school that happy employees are far more productive than unhappy ones. Or maybe I read that on one of those Facebook quizzes. You know I took one that told me that told me that this position is the perfect job for me which is another reason why you should hire me.

Anyway, I hope that your company offers a lot of breaks. I read online that some countries in Europe have a mandate that every employee be given at least two hours of nap time. Some of them even require that companies allow them to bring their pets to work or pay extra for doggie daycare.

When you call me for my interview please make sure that it is not before ten am or you’ll wake me up. Oh, and don’t call after five because that is when I like to go to the gym. Can’t wait to hear from you and tell you why I am going to be your next employee.

Sincerely,

Jack B

A Telephone Bill Scam- Cramming

Until recently cramming was a term that I associated with my time in school. Mention the word and memories of studying all night long for various tests come to mind. Actually there are some pretty good memories tied into cramming, at least there was until today.

That changed because today I found out that I was an unwilling participant in crammingas it relates to your telephone bill.

The FCC offers the following definition:

“Cramming” is the practice of placing unauthorized, misleading, or deceptive charges on your telephone bill. Crammers rely on confusing telephone bills in an attempt to trick consumers into paying for services they did not authorize or receive, or that cost more than the consumer was led to believe.”

This morning I noticed a charge of $16.30 on my telephone bill for Enhanced Voicemail Services. It sounded relatively innocuous and I almost paid it, but something about it seemed strange. So I took a moment to review the last three months of telephone bills and discovered that until today it didn’t exist.

So I called up Ma Bell and asked her to give me an explanation for why it had suddenly showed up and was told that it wasn’t a service provided through them. I had been crammed by a company called Enhanced Services Billing Inc.

Ma Bell explained to me that even though the charge was processed via their bill they could not remove it and that due to some sort of legal chicanery Enhanced Services Billing Inc. was entitled to try and bill me for services I didn’t need.

I immediately contacted Enhanced Services Billing Inc. so that I could have the charges removed and spent a solid 35 minutes on hold. Add that stellar customer service to their unauthorized charge and I was entertaining thoughts of waterboarding their entire staff, or at least giving them a good piece of my mind.

The rep who spoke with me must take hundreds of calls like my own. I’ll give her credit for doing a good job of calming me down by apologizing while simultaneously taking care of removing the charge. At least, she seemed to be doing that.

I’ll still follow up and confirm that the charge was removed and you can be sure that I’ll continue to pay attention to all of the line items on future bills. I suggest that you do the same.

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