Children

Don’t know about you but since the election it feels like many of my friends and family have de developed trust issues.

Given that my circle includes supporters of both sides I have heard enough to know the suspicious minds aren’t limited to one group.

I keep hearing and or reading stories that are supposed to prove that their particular issue is legitimate but all I do is look at them both sideways.

via GIPHY

An Abundance of Trust Issues

Don’t mistake that to mean I consider myself to be better than others because you’d be missing the point.

I am just an average Joe who is wondering if we are going to let anger and frustration push us into corners because that is a problem.

All that hokey stuff you hear about united we stand and divided we fall is rooted in truth and we would be fools to ignore it.

If we don’t find ways to tap into compassion and understanding we are going to be in for a very rough future because the crap that we are flinging at each other isn’t going to just go away.

What really blows my mind is how many times my kids have told me they think the adults have lost it.

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My 7th grader told me her English teacher told the class she didn’t vote and my head exploded.

The right to vote isn’t a joke or something to be trifled with and this fool had the audacity to tell her students that it didn’t matter.

I didn’t particularly like either candidate and I never hid that. I told them that I wasn’t enamored with HRC and that I saw Trump as a trust fund baby who had no skills, experience or business being in office.

When he won I said it was a huge mistake but told the kids it was time to start rooting for his success.

I told them we would stand up and oppose any proposal that would curtail rights for others. I reminded them about how the Nazis murdered family members during the Holocaust and that we were obligated to help.

And then I tried to explain nuance and how we could move from supporting another to pushing for his success.

It is rarely a black and white world and the abundance of trust issues aren’t helping any of us.

A Reason To Fear

I intentionally haven’t told the kids about my concerns about some of the people Trump intends to nominate/appoint/hire because I want to wait and see how some things go.

No one thought Earl Warren would be the kind of Chief Justice he was and I keep hoping my concerns here are unwarranted.

I keep hoping we don’t have a reason to fear but hope is not a tactic or strategy.

I Won’t Just Unfriend

Part of my job as a father is to teach these rascals how to get along in the world and that is part of why I have told them I am not going to unfriend those I disagree with.

Well, that is not entirely true, there are things you can say or do that will get me to unfriend you but you have to work a bit at it.

Part of the reason I won’t just do it is I am going to be there to help make sure neither of us live in an echo chamber.

I am going to be there to ask those who voted for Trump to hold him accountable to do the right thing and to represent all of us.

There are friends and family who I believe voted for him because they really believed he was the better choice.

I looked them in the eye and asked if they were comfortable with his being a KKK darling. They swore they didn’t think that those people would have influence and that he would be good for all of us.

Well I’ll be around to talk with them and ask them to uphold their end of the bargain. I’ll be there to say you need to stand up and be counted.

And if I am proven wrong about him I’ll be there to admit I was wrong and to say so publicly.

I am not going to unfriend. I am not going to let mistrust drive a bigger wedge because we have to find ways to bridge the gap.

But you better believe if some of the questionable stuff continues to head in the wrong direction you will hear from me.

We’re going to have to work harder to make some things happen, but hard work hasn’t ever scared me so…

A little voice inside my head says “Houston we have a problem” but I can’t laugh at this.

I want to laugh, I want to take a deep breath, smile and say it is all going to work out just fine but I can’t bring myself to do it.

The funny thing is I know it will be fine and that it will all work out, except there is a little whisper inside that says “what if you are wrong.”

It is the same voice that reminds me Houston isn’t responding, you are all alone.

Teenagers- The Struggle Is Real

There is an ongoing situation that I have tried not to write about because there are boundaries in blogging and some stories shouldn’t be shared this way.

It is not a complete secret among family and friends, this situation that is.

Hell, I know other parents who have teens who are facing much more serious stuff than we are, but let’s be honest about things.

That is their kid(s) and this is mine.

I feel concern and compassion, but it is never the same as when it is your own.

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This promotion should be seen as one of the best things that has ever happened for me and my family.

It should be celebrated but I haven’t been able to do that the way I want to because there is an anchor around my legs.

A huge weight that tries to drown me each day.

I won’t give in and I won’t budge because intellectually I know I am best positioned to help my teen by succeeding here.

But emotionally, well some days I take a beating because there is always the voice that asks if there are better ways to go or smarter choices to be made.

Every day I wonder if I could or should do things differently.

But those aren’t questions that can be answered and I am focused on long term solutions and not short term bandages.

A High Threshold For Pain

Many years ago my doc told me I have a high threshold for physical pain.

I thought it was cool and smiled.

He shook his head and said it wasn’t always a good thing and told me I had hurt myself by not getting some things treated.

A couple of years ago we found out that my teen shares that too.

Kid broke his arm during a soccer game but we didn’t know because he fell and bounced right back up again.

He had some pain the week after but we all figured it was just sore after the fall and since he was using his arm we went about our business.

When he still felt pain the following week I told him it was time to get it checked out and we discovered he had a minor break.

Doc was surprised to find out he hadn’t complained more and then my teen said he didn’t think it hurt enough to see a doctor.

I felt guilty and wondered if I should have taken him in earlier, but when I asked he said he didn’t think he needed it so I went with what he said.

Cut to the future and I see that the current situation we are in is because of that high threshold and I wonder if the sins of the father are visited upon the son.

Ask Your Father

I called my dad last night to check in and see how he is doing.

“Three surgeries in five weeks is enough, cut it out.”

He laughed and told me he is feeling much better.

“Glad to hear it, making good progress on the job, but not as much as  I would like.”

“You made the best choice you could make and are doing the right thing. Stop beating yourself up over things you can’t control.”

He paused and filled the silence with another comment.

“I don’t have to see your face to know you are irritated but trust me I know something about raising teenagers and I know you.”

It made me laugh and I told him he was lucky I was so damn easy.

“Don’t kid yourself, you were a huge pain-in-the-ass and you won’t solve this until he is ready to do it. So let go and do what you need to do to be successful at work because that is the best you can do to help.”

I thanked my father, asked him a few more questions and then smiled when he said he wished his dad was still here.

“He’d tell you what I did, but he’d say it better and  maybe he’d know more about how to help. Wish I could ask him.”

Conversations With Teens

Told the kid I have faith in him but that my faith wouldn’t prevent his own stupidity.

“Sooner or later the things we do catch up with us and it won’t matter how lucky you have been. We either get smart or stay stupid.”

It wasn’t exactly what Ben Franklin said but it was close enough for my point to be made.

We went back and forth for a few more minutes and I wondered if he really heard what I was saying and asked him if he was listening.

He assured me he was and yet somehow the conversation turned ugly.

It is not something that normally happens or one that I am used to with him.

But like a good teen he figured out what buttons to push and I finally reacted.

The apologies came hours later from both of us and I told him again I had faith in him, said this doesn’t have to be the defining moment.

He pushed back on that and I told him the advantage of age and experience is that I can see things differently than he can.

Said he didn’t have to accept it and that I probably wouldn’t have at his age either.

But damn, I wish he would.

Teenagers, the struggle is real.

My son told me he is really irritated by how my daughter does her homework.

“Dad, you know she has Netflix going the entire time”

I ask him to tell me what I am supposed to do about it.

“You are our father, you don’t need me to tell you what to do. You just need to tell her to stop.”

I ask him if he knows she has straight A’s and if he remembers she is taking all honors.

“Yeah, but you could still tell her to quit.”

I laugh and tell him he is better off minding his own business. When he asks why I let him go through it all I tell him I wanted to see if he had a clear understanding.

“Your sister works hard and she has figured out how to work the angles. Maybe you ought to think about working the angles too.

Halloween Killed Blogging

I talk to the kids about working smarter and not harder but want to make sure they understand you can’t always work the angles.

But if you can do so without compromising quality or developing bad habits it is worth thinking about.

That is part of why I used chose the headline I did.

Any time you include blogging in the headline you will see a jump in traffic and it is multiplied by saying blogging is dead or dying.

I don’t know who started that particular rumor but it wasn’t true then and it is still not true now.

The closest I have seen it come is when my kids were little and I had to take them out trick or treating because sometimes it used all of my free time which meant I had none left for blogging.

Speaking of Halloween tomorrow marks the first Halloween I haven’t spent with my kids.

Part of me is ambivalent because they are too old to go trick-or-treating and part of me is kind of sad because I remember how cute they were and how excited they got each Halloween.

My Favorite Ages

When people ask me if I have a favorite age I usually say whatever ages my kids are at that particular time.

That is not an exaggeration or me avoiding the question, it is the truth. I really do like those ages best, but as I said earlier there are some things I miss.

Right now I miss the lack of sleep I got because of babies who hadn’t learned how to sleep through the night because some of the teenage stuff is really challenging.

I never doubted that I would eventually have kids who could sleep and that I would get a solid 6 or 7 hours.

Now I find myself pacing the floor trying to figure out answers to questions that make me want to bang my head against the wall.

It is not a nightly thing, but it happens enough for me to wonder if it would be easier to have a colonoscopy with no anesthesia.

And in the midst of it all I remind myself about how cute they used  to be and figure if my parents didn’t kill me when I was a teen anything is possible.

Once Upon A Maybe

Something about this particular moment in time has me thinking about walking through Jerusalem as a teenage boy.

Maybe it is because I am trying to send myself back in time to better remember what it was a like to be a 16-year-old kid so that I can better understand my oldest.

That is not to say I am totally lost because I am not but there are a few things where I can’t follow the logic or see the train-of-thought.

Unfortunately it doesn’t work and instead of gaining clarity I remember thinking about how cool I thought it was was to stand in a pub and watch Live Aid with my friends.

Beers in hand we did our best to impress the girls and tried hard to convince them to go back to the dorm with us or to take us back to theirs.

That I remember as do I remember dancing in the clubs and talking about what we would do when we joined the army.

These are all fine memories and part of good stories, but none of them help me figure out what angle to work here.

So maybe it means there is no angle and we are just going to have to bear down and knuckle our way through it.

That brings us back to the present and the hard truth that I won’t get to charge my children “Dad’s tax” also known as the candy I get to eat for having taken them out trick or treating.

Nor will I have to help eat any left over candy we didn’t give out to trick-or-treaters, unless I go buy some.

I might provided I am honest enough to say I’ll probably eat most of it.

Better make sure it is Three Musketeers, Milky Way or Reese’s Peanut Butter cups. If you are going to do it, well you might as well do it right.