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The JackB

"When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun'." Groucho Marx

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Holidays

Turkey Bowl- The Annual Football Game

November 23, 2007 by Jack Steiner Leave a Comment

Thanksgiving Day 1987. I am 18 years old and standing on the sidelines of an exceptionally muddy football field. Today is going to be my first time playing in my fraternity’s annual “Turkey Bowl.” There are two games, the pledges versus the young actives and the older actives versus the alumni.

It is a physical game. We don’t play touch. We don’t play flag. It is tackle football. It is violent and brutal. You don’t wander onto the field unless you are willing to get hit. We have have heard all of the war stories. Broken noses, ruptured spleen, shattered eye socket and bruises galore.

We don’t just beat the actives. We dominate them. I play noseguard. It is a position that suits me. I don’t mind the dirt. I like the contact. I love the challenge, the chance to impose my will on another.

As I age I remind myself that playing might not be so smart. I am not afraid. Fear is what causes injury. No, I am wary of the three days of recovery time. Pick up basketball doesn’t prepare you for this. This is far more physical. I go hard every play. Every time I line up I try to knock the guy in front of me on his ass. Hit him hard and hope that over time he’ll get tired of getting hit.

Usually it works. More often than not they get tired of getting pounded on, worn out by the constant tug-of-war. I start to get into the backfield on every play. The quarterback is my prey. I haven’t managed a sack in a couple of years and my ego is bruised. I used to average one a game. Way back in the glorious year of 1993 I had four.

In ’94 I was 24. No kids, no wife, no mortgage, no responsibilities. I am determined to prove that I haven’t lost it. Perhaps I am a step slower. Certainly I am a bit softer in the middle than I was. But now I have the guile that comes with age. A crafty veteran of numerous battles I use economy of motion to maximize productivity.

Every play I bait the center. I dare him to go head to head. I promise not to embarrass him too badly. Initially it works. When I was 20 I too was young, dumb and stupid. He really does believe that the old man crouched in front of him can’t possibly keep it up. He is wrong.

This game gives me a rush. It is like having a caffeine drip inserted directly into my veins. It is an addiction. I can’t bear to think of the day when I am not able to play because I can’t. Imagine a 240 pound five-year-old with three days growth.

I start preparing to play two months before. September rolls around and I roll out the Turkey Bowl workout. More push ups, more tricep extensions, crunches, bench press, curls and more. I work on creating a body built for punishment.

One hour of play. That is all I have to withstand. One hour of getting out there and giving the game all I can muster. Sometimes I play both ways. Defensive line and offensive line, with the odd bout at fullback.

Game day arrives and the alumni assemble. On the far end of the field we huddle up. Hells Bells by AC/DC plays in the background. As the bell tolls we pump each other up. We know that we are weekend warriors. There are no illusions. Most of us are decent athletes, but we didn’t play pro or college ball. We have our limitations, but not when it comes to heart. In a few minutes kickoff we’ll come and we’ll charge the actives in our own miniature war.

Twenty years go by in the blink of an eye. Thanksgiving day 2007. When I wake up I roll out of bed and hobble to the shower. My body aches from two hours of basketball. I suspect that my posture resembles that of a question mark. Inside the shower I focus on stretching and working out the kinks.

A few hours later I am standing on the sidelines. I have reluctantly decided not to play. My body still feels like hell. I tell myself I am being smart, mature and responsible. Inside my head there is a voice screaming at me. He is berating me, taunting me, teasing me, asking me when I turned into such a little man. I do my best to ignore him.

It is not working, but I am not dressed to play. I tell myself that I’ll just hang out and talk to the guys. There are a bunch who don’t play. It is nice to catch up with them. Still, I find myself staring at the field. Eventually I’ll give in. I’ll tell myself that it is ok. I’ll rationalize it by saying that I compromised. A partial game means a shorter recovery time.

So here I am many hours later. I am happy, but the truth is that I am a man who has a terrible itch. I wish that I would have played longer. I should have just played. I am not that old yet. I can still get out there and next year I will.

Filed Under: Holidays, Random Thoughts

I Hate Shopping During This Time of Year

November 21, 2007 by Jack Steiner 2 Comments

If you ask the Shmata Queen she’ll confirm that it is never a good idea to take me to a mall during the so called holiday season. The gaudy decorations, stupid holiday music and the maddening behavior of the crowds make me want to pluck out my eyeballs with a rusty fork.

Thanks to the magic of online shopping I have managed to dramatically reduce the amount of time that I have to spend in these overcrowded cattle cars. Each year I say a sheheckeyanu for Jeff Bezos and company. In plain English that means that I give the dude a chunk of my hard earned cash and a hearty thank you.

But sometimes you get stuck and you are forced to go to the dreaded mall. Today is one of those days. I wonder if someone didn’t go and replace my brain with a soft melon. What the hell am I thinking. I’ll tell you what I am thinking.

I am thinking that if I get some Chanukah gifts today I can send them back courtesy of my sisters and company. I am thinking that they can pack them up and hold onto them until the holiday starts. I am thinking that instead of scrambling at the last minute I can be ahead of the game.

Still, I am a like a little kid that doesn’t want to go to school. I dread the idea of going. Just thinking about it makes me want to bang my head against the wall. You’ll have to excuse me. I am going to go sedate myself with a big latte and then hit the mall hard and fast.

More on this later.

Filed Under: Holidays

The Holiday Season Collection

November 2, 2007 by Jack Steiner Leave a Comment

RWAC reminded me that I have been meaning to put together a post that covers my holiday season collection. That is, a post that contains a summary of the holiday season post.

So here is an attempt to do that. I apologize if this doesn’t make sense, I seem to have OD’d on candy.

I Hate The Holiday Season
The Salvation Army Bell Ringer Doesn’t Like Me
I Wished Death Upon Santa

I Killed The Easter Bunny

Happy Holidays is An Appropriate Greeting

Filed Under: Holidays

Halloween 2007

November 1, 2007 by Jack Steiner 6 Comments

It is almost six and thanks to the powers that be it is still light out so I haven’t had to hand out any candy yet. The kids are off to a nearby carnival where alongside of seven million other children they’ll run wild. They’ll be back in an hour or so and it’ll be time for me to play dad and patrol the neighborhood as they go in search of treasure of the milk chocolate sort.

In the interim the Boss is playing on iTunes and I am here sharing a few thoughts with you. Been a little short of my blogging mojo as of late. That last sentence was backwards, awkwardly constructed. Awkward construction is fine if you are Jedi named Yoda, but I am not. About the only thing we share in common is a love for The Force, but I digress.

I have been mulling over what to say in this Halloween post. Played around with just providing links to some of my old posts. That last link ties into a bunch of themes that I think are important so I am going to cut and paste a little.

Right now the world is a scary place, not that it is not always scary but there are degrees of fear. At the moment it feels like we are in a particularly strange place with a more tenuous grip on things than normal. So here we go into cut and paste mode with two excerpts from a sermon Rabbi Ed Feinstein gave:

“I take my kids trick-or-treating on Halloween. The truth is that you don’t find many rabbis out on Halloween. Many of my congregants are surprised, even upset, to find their rabbi and his kids in costume celebrating a holiday that has definite Christian and pagan origins. And my kids certainly don’t need any more candy in their daily diet. But something remarkable happens on Halloween, something I want my kids to see: On Halloween, we open our homes to one another. On Halloween, we come out from behind solid-core doors and dead-bolts locks and electronic burglar alarms. The doorbell is met, not with a gruff “Whose there?” and a suspicious eye in the peep-hole, but with a smile and sweets. On Halloween, and only on Halloween, we pretend we are a neighborhood again…families from disparate background who share common civic values, making life together in a common space. If only once a year, I want my kids to see what it’s like when fear subsides, and people trust one another enough to open their doors.”

and

“The most destructive disease in America, wrote the New Republic magazine some years ago, is not AIDS, but “AFRAIDS” — the pervasive fear of violence that steals away our freedom, our sense of community, our trust. What happens to a city when everyone is afraid of everyone else? What happens to us — to our souls — to our children, when fear of violence is constant and pervasive? Bombarded by a daily litany of baby-snatching, berserk gunmen, child molesters, drive-by shootings, school shootings, police shootings, what happens to us? what happens to our children?”

Every now and then it is good for the children to see a neighborhood where people open their doors with a smile and a warm greeting. I work hard to teach my children to be menschen, to be productive members of society. I strive to make sure that they stay safe, that they understand that not all people or good or nice.

It pains me to do that. I don’t like placing fear in their hearts, but at the same time it would be irresponsible not to do so. They need to understand that there are some monsters in the world.

Earlier this week something frightened my daughter and she began to cry. I heard her older brother try to console her. For a moment I sat in the other room and listened to them talk. I was curious to see if they would work it out together. As I sat there I heard my son tell her not to worry because if necessary “abba would kill it.” “It” turned out to be a shadow but my presence in the room and a quick hug was enough to calm my daughter.

It appears that for a little bit longer I still serve as the final word on monsters. But the thing that really made me happy was a conversation I had with my son the next day. After we finished working on his homework he told me that I shouldn’t worry about his sister because if ever I am not there he will be. The smile on my face told him how pleased I was with him, even as I reminded him that I would always be there to help.

It is a white lie and when they get a bit older I’ll have to come clean about it, but for now let them feel that sense of peace and security that dad is around to help. The day will come all too soon when they the world through different eyes.

For now I’ll have to leave you with that. I hear footsteps approaching. Time to go feed some ghosts and goblins. Happy Halloween to all.

Filed Under: Halloween, Holidays

Pesach Notes

April 6, 2007 by Jack Steiner 7 Comments

And now for a couple of comments regarding Pesach. I am going to create a new minhag for my family. If you spend too much time complaining about the seder, tell me that you cannot understand why I would believe a myth, and repeatedly wonder aloud about people that are too Jewish you will become the plague vessel.

I will smile broadly and encourage you to sit on the Kiseh Shel Elijah. Once you have planted your rump on the chair I will dazzle you with a tale of bondage. Did I mention that during the recitation of this tale of bondage I will see that you are tied securely to said chair.

You’ll then serve a prime role in the recitation of the plagues.

Blood- I shall douse you in red sauce.
Frogs- I shall fill your trousers with frogs.
Gnats- Gnats love the red sauce you are wearing.
Death of Livestock- Better hope that you are not a farmer, because old Bessie will see Jack the shochet.
Boils- I’ll get creative for this one.
Hail- All the guests will spit ice at you.
Locust- Try sitting with a shirt full of locust.
Darkness- I’ll blindfold you.
Death of the First Born- I’ll get back to you on this one.

I’d write more but I truly am too irritated to do so. Excuse me while I go outside and pound the crap out of my heavy bag.

Filed Under: Holidays, Random Thoughts

Happy Pesach

April 2, 2007 by Jack Steiner 5 Comments

Chag sameach from all of us at the Shack. We wish you a very happy and healthy Passover. May your seders be meaningful, may our captives be redeemed and on a less serious note may your cholesterol not go through the roof.

Filed Under: Holidays

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