Just Write

Dear Computer,

I gather from your refusal today to start and the multiple groans disguised as beeps, clicks and whistles you were none too happy when I figured out how to breathe some life back into you.

Wish I could tell you it is ok for the lights to go dim forever and to let you enjoy that eternal sleep that good computers are granted when they are given license to go wherever it is old computers go when they retire, but I just can’t do it.

You see it is Chanukah now and that means it is a really bad time to ask me to spend money. I know you don’t want to hear it, but it is the truth.

Got stuck with a nasty dental bill last week and of course my car and life insurance are due this week so you can see I can’t give you the time off. Can’t do it, won’t do it, shan’t do it.

The Kids Deserve More

Damn you computer, you know that you and I are a team and that I can’t do my work without you. Can’t pay the bills without you by my side and if that means I have to be the task master, well then so be it that is what I’ll do and who I’ll be.

I am adaptable.

Is it coincidence that I am listening to Eminem and Rhianna sing “Love The Way You Lie?” Maybe, or maybe not. It is not my usual fare of Johnny and June or Ray Charles but it feels appropriate.

Been a harder holiday because some clients defaulted on paying and a few are playing the “check is in the mail” game so we are doing a little dance of our own.

The children aren’t really suffering or I wouldn’t ask questions about whether they can receive too many gifts but that is because their grandparents have taken care of them. I am not really crazy about that, but it is not a horrible thing.

Truth is I wish I could do a bit more for them in a couple of areas but it is nothing we have to have. It is just what I want us to have and there is a world of difference between want and need.

…the size of a misfortune is not determinable by an outsider’s measurement of it, but only by the measurement applied to it by the person specially affected by it. The king’s lost crown is a vast matter to the king, but of no consequence to the child. The lost toy is a great matter to the child, but in the king’s eyes it is not a thing to break the heart about.- Mark Twain’s Autobiography

Dear Computer,

That quote is one of my favorites. It is one I plan on sharing with my son because he is finally old enough to really appreciate it and that is kind of hard for me.

Hard because I look at him with such pride and joy because he is on the right path and if I can help here and there I can see he is going to grow up to be one hell of a man.

Smarter and better than myself and that is what I want. Don’t need to add much other than to do what I can to make sure he understands gratitude and hope that along the way he figures out that what you need to be fulfilled can only be found within and not without.

Don’t think he has my wanderlust and I am good with that. He has a different sort of fire in the belly and that is good.

My Girl

Can’t talk about my big guy without giving my girl a couple of words too. No one knows how to torment her older brother like she does but she has no bigger hero.

When they aren’t trying to kill each other they are tight and I see that if we have done nothing else we have helped form a tight bond between them. It is enough for me to be confident that they will always look out for each other and that pleases me.

I kid around about having to beat the boys off with a stick, but I know it will happen. One day some boy will catch her eye and she won’t let me scare him away.

She’ll probably let me mess with him a bit, but I can see a time when she’ll say something like “daddy leave him alone.”

Got a mess of years before that happens so I don’t know why I am thinking about it now, but I am.

A Simple Request

So computer I am asking you to suck it up for a little bit. I need you to walk down the road just a little bit farther and then we can go our separate ways.

Don’t do it for me, do it for the kids. It is Chanukah and the time is right for a new miracle. But to be clear I need more than 8 days so don’t go getting any funny ideas.

The boy who made me a father is almost 12 now. He tells me he wants to know how long it will be before he is my size and I shrug.

“I don’t know. If you grow like I did it will be another five years before you can look me in the eye and close to eight before you fill out enough to wear one of my suits.”

He nods his head at me and smiles. I smile back at him. We are wandering through the car show and enjoying a moment.

That is an Aston Martin DB5, the same model James Bond drove in Goldfinger. It doesn’t do a good job of showing off the ejector seat, machine guns or any of the other tricks that car hid inside.

Nor does it show you the smile my son gave me when he asked why I was so excited to see the car and I told him about what it was like when I was 12.

He is growing up in a different world than I did so he won’t appreciate why I can look at that car and remember how “advanced” it was and how we rode our bikes and pretended that we had all of the cool tools too.

But he knows me well enough to recognize my moods, even when disguised by a poker face and that was enough to help accentuate the moment for him. “Dad is excited, maybe I should be too.”

The Auto Show

I spend vast amounts of time trying to generate new business and to do what has to be done to keep things going here. It often translates as my walking around the world with my “business face” on and my eye searching for opportunity.

That happened at the show, but most of the time it was relegated to the background. That is because the big guy at my side kept me grounded.

He kept me from getting lost in thoughts about what I would do if I were in charge of marketing for the show or for brands. It didn’t stop me from noticing who used social media to help promote their vehicles or what companies did the best job of trying to create a relationship with the people who wandered by their booths.

We looked at the Bentley above and talked about how much it would cost to buy one. His eyes grew wide and then expanded when I explained it wasn’t the most “expensive” car at the show.

Later on we wandered over to look at a Ford Fusion hybrid and I asked him to figure out how many Fusions you could buy for the price of the Bentley.

I smiled as I watched him figure it out in his head. His math skills are really strong and the day will come where I won’t be able to help him with his homework. It is not a question of if, but when.

Are You Going To Write About This?

We stop to take more pictures and he asks if I plan on writing about our experience. I smile and nod my head. He smiles back and I ask him if he is tired.

He says no, but I see he is starting to fade. It has been a busy day, two soccer games were played earlier and it is a bit after 9 PM.

For a moment I can see hints of the baby and the toddler in his face and I remember how I used to scoop him up and carry him.

I can still carry him but he is about 85 pounds now and that gets heavy much more quickly than it used to. For a moment I wonder if he would be willing to let me do it, or if he has reached the place where he is too cool to be carried.

It is an odd juxtaposition of my feeling proud of how big he is now and a moment of sadness at the passing of the time that was.

This is good. This is ok. This is natural and expected, but I feel like the countdown is almost beginning.

In a year we’ll have a Bar Mitzvah and then life will really begin to accelerate. I don’t mind waiting a while before that happens.

I don’t use videos in my posts as often as I used to. It is not because my love for music has shrunk but because I have had too many experiences with broken links and that is a problem.

It is not just because Google doesn’t respond well to such things but because it looks like hell and I am trying to make this place look nicer, warmer and more inviting. It is a big part of why more posts here have pictures in them.

It took a long while for me to focus on the photos but not because I don’t think they are important. That old saw about a picture being worth a thousand words is true.

The Slumbering Blogger

For lack of a better term I feel like the slumbering blogger. I used to do a much better job of making the rounds and visiting far out parts and places throughout the blogosphere, but lately I haven’t been able to.

Life got in the way. The kids were off of school all last week and work was crazy so something had to give.

I noticed this not because of an impact on traffic, in fact traffic is up here.

Nah, I noticed because I haven’t checked in my with friends and that bothers me. Some of us have developed real friendships and I miss you guys. I miss reading your tales and hearing about your families.

I feel disconnected. Part of that is good.

The good part stems from knowing how much time I got to spend with my family. My kids and I played games, rode bikes, wrestled and hung out.

That was good. The time will come soon enough when we won’t be able to do it the same way.

It might be because work changes and I don’t continue to have a home office or it might be because the kids grow older and go through the period where mom and dad just aren’t interesting.

The Moments Matter

I struggled to write a post called How To Be A Man. I am not sure why it was so hard but I know I see it as being emblematic of the importance of living each moment.

It is a reminder to me that we only get one chance and sometimes we screw it up. That might sound like a cliche, but I believe it to be true.

Maybe it is because I have very few regrets but those I do are enormous. The goal now is to avoid adding to the list and if possible to find a way to fix the mistakes.

Going With My Gut

Sometimes I am certain that I am on exactly the right path and these things I am doing are all leading to the place I want to be. Sometimes I am comfortable just relaxing and letting it all happen and sometimes I feel like it is a mistake not to manage it.

Blogging is a funny thing. When you read your own posts you realize that you are no different than anyone else. You are just as crazy, mixed up, insecure, smart, successful and good looking as the next guy.

These Moments Matter

There are a list of magical moments in my mind. These are moments that matter. I pay attention because I am a collector of moments and I don’t want to be the guy who always says I remember when.

A man needs to have dreams to aspire to and the confidence he can attain them so that he can pass this confidence and strength on to his children so that they may live their dreams too.

It is time to close out this post with one of my favorite poems and the anthem of the year:

“All that is gold does not glitter,
Not all those who wander are lost;
The old that is strong does not wither,
Deep roots are not reached by the frost.

From the ashes a fire shall be woken,
A light from the shadows shall spring;
Renewed shall be blade that was broken,
The crownless again shall be king.”
The Fellowship of The Ring- J.R.R. Tolkien

“Tho’ much is taken, much abides; and tho’
We are not now that strength which in old days
Moved earth and heaven, that which we are, we are;
One equal temper of heroic hearts,
Made weak by time and fate, but strong in will
To strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield.”
Ulysses, Lord Alfred Tennyson.

Thirty years ago I didn’t have the same appreciation for that poem as I do today. Hell, my favorite poem back then was probably about the man from Nantucket whose “pal” was so long he could, well you get the point.

But that was then and this is now.

In those days I was a junior high school boy trying to figure out what the hell to do with myself and now I and I am just an older, larger version of that guy who is still trying to figure it out.

Except this time I have responsibilities that I cannot shirk and dreams that I accept cannot be realized. I am never going to be tall enough to overcome the dearth of talent that will prevent the Lakers from signing me to a contract.

But time works magic and wonders in many ways and there are other dreams that can come true. Some of them are more important to me, bigger and brighter than those the boy I was once had.

Or maybe that is just what I say now.

Songs of my Heart  & Soul

My heart and soul sing many songs and they are special to me for multiple reasons. Some of them are listed in the pages and posts of this blog and others are kept in silence to be mine alone or shared with just one other.

Been thinking about the poems listed here and trying not to focus upon the event I wrote about in Sometimes Fathers Fail, but the truth is I haven’t let it go, not yet.

I know what I want to do. I know what I want to see happen. I have a plan and now we have reached the moment where it is time to execute it but so much depends upon my girl.

She doesn’t have all of the control here, certainly not as much as she thinks, but she has plenty.

When I think about the look on my daughter’s face and the anger it brought out in me I just shake my head.

Her older brother is incensed and has told me twice he will help me take care of this. That makes me smile and is one of those things that makes my heart sing.

We Did Something Right

What I love about his comments is how determined he is to protect his sister. He is like many older brothers, happy to torture and torment her but unwilling to let others do it.

Today we made a quick run to Costco and I watched them look out for each other. They didn’t see me intentionally slip around a corner where I could watch them.

I was 30 feet away, not quite close enough to hear what they were saying but close enough to see all they did. Close enough to see them get samples for each other and watch them decide where to go to find me.

That made me happy. If G-d forbid something happened to their mom and I there is no doubt in my mind they will stick together. Sometimes when they fight I remind them that in 100 years it will be just them so they need to get along now.

Last week my son asked me if I thought I could live to 143 and I said sure. If my grandparents and great grandparents provide any guidance I’ll make it into my nineties with my eyes shut.

Live Today, Plan For Tomorrow

I am doing my best to live the kind of life I want to live now and not tomorrow. Math and science says there is every reason for me to be here for the long run and that my prediction from above is accurate.

Yet experience has shown me that sometimes things happen. Sometimes the inexplicable bites you in the butt which is why I am doing my best to live today and plan for tomorrow.

Sometimes I think that I am taking the long way home and that I have been on one hell of a walkabout to learn a few lessons so that I could end up where I have long suspected I might.

Time will tell if I am right or wrong about that, but if nothing else it should make for one hell of a story.

“You got to know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em,
Know when to walk away and know when to run.
You never count your money when you’re sittin’ at the table.
There’ll be time enough for countin’ when the dealin’s done.”
The Gambler– Kenny Rogers

 

It is 10:30 on Monday night and I am listening to With or Without You from U2’s Joshua Tree album. If I had to choose my top ten favorite albums this would definitely be on it.

Maybe it is because it came out during my senior year of high school and it is tied into a collective set of memories of hope, endless opportunities and more. Maybe it is because there are a few women who it reminds me of, girls with long hair who shared more than just moments in time.

They are part of my past but once they were part of my present and the future.

Past, Present and Future

Yesterday I took my son to see SkyFall with me. It was a fantastic movie and an exceptional moment in time for us. Movies have been our thing. This year we also saw The Avengers, Spiderman and The Dark Knight Rises.

His eyes get so wide and he gets so excited to share these experiences. I can’t properly express how much fun it is for me. I always say that every age is my favorite, but this one really takes it to a new level.

That is because he really is old enough to appreciate and enjoy these films. He understands the difference between right and wrong, fake and fantasy.

And me, well I get to be dad and remember what it was like to be 12. It makes my heart swell two or three sizes.

I watch him and wonder who my son will grow up to be. He is a cross between his mother and I with a double dose of himself. The days of the little boy he was are rapidly disappearing into the past.

Faith Under Fire

The headline might make some of you wonder about whether this is a religious post, but that is not really it. Sure, I could go there. I could tell you about days of walking through the streets of Jerusalem and moments spent swimming in the Red Sea and the Mediterranean.

I could tell you about when I planned on becoming a rabbi and why I didn’t. I could tell you that it might happen one day, but that is not what this post is about.

This post is about many things and one of them is my struggle to sort and suss out a few things. I am waiting for the click to come and trying to be patient. I can feel it lurking in the recesses of my mind, it is something big.

I think I have figured out the answers to some major stuff but I can’t quite put my finger on it. So I am trying to focus on other things to give it time to surface.

My Best Work

Been trying to figure out which of my posts to recommend people read. If someone asked for writing samples I’d want to be able to say look at X, Y and Z. I’d want them to be representative of my work, but I haven’t decided which of those deserve the recognition.

I have a bunch listed on the About Me page but I don’t know if those are the best. They are good. They are solid and I am not embarrassed by them, but are they my best? I don’t know.

Can’t for perfection because it never comes, but can’t live on good enough either.

Writing is Cathartic

I write because it is part of how I release the things I carry. It is where I say I have to put together a Bar Mitzvah in a year and I haven’t figured out how to pay for it.

Faith says I will figure it out because I always do. I am active, ever moving forward, why won’t it happen again. But that is the thing, the wrestling with faith that comes along with it all.

What if it doesn’t. What if this is the time I drop the ball. What if Lucy pulls the ball out from under me and I don’t see it in time to course correct.

Go West Young Man

My son asks me to tell him who my favorite superhero is. He wants me to tell him who and why so that he can tell me who his is.

I tell him I am partial to Wolverine but that I would include James Bond in all this and he is up there too. I like the guys with edge and attitude, but I like them because they are human.

If we focus on those who truly have no superpowers we are down to Batman and James Bond. I suppose what excites me is that they get by on hard work, wits and luck.

That is enough for me. It is all I can count on. I am confident about the future, but damn, that little voice is still there and so the wrestling continues.

This was part of Just Write #61.

Rufus T. Firefly: Not that I care, but where is your husband?
Mrs. Teasdale: Why, he’s dead.
Rufus T. Firefly: I bet he’s just using that as an excuse.
Mrs. Teasdale: I was with him to the very end.
Rufus T. Firefly: No wonder he passed away.
Mrs. Teasdale: I held him in my arms and kissed him.
Rufus T. Firefly: Oh, I see, then it was murder. Will you marry me? Did he leave you any money? Answer the second question first.
Duck Soup 1933

My daughter says she doesn’t like Movember because my face is too scratchy and that girls don’t like hairy faces. I told her I don’t like girls with hairy faces either and she rolled her eyes at me.

She asks me if I ever had any girlfriends before mommy and I tell her I can’t remember that far back but am positive none of them had hairy faces either, but that some of them might have had hairy legs.

“Daddy, I am serious. I want to know.”

Girls and their Questions

I know where these questions come from. My little girl found a bunch of “old” pictures of me from college and wants to know why I had more hair and if I can get the cuts in my stomach back.

She stares at pictures of me at fraternity formals and wants to know why I am wearing a tuxedo and why I didn’t take mommy to those parties. I smile again and remind her that I didn’t know mommy then.

I blame Disney for some of these questions or maybe I should blame myself for letting her watch these shows because that is the source of some of this.

Her brother is tired of these questions and says he doesn’t want to hear about girls. All he wants to talk about are cars and the election.

Boys And Their Questions

Some of this is gender related and some of it age. Both schools are talking about the election but middle school classes have made a bigger push to incorporate it into the curriculum.

He shares with me his concerns and tells me about the things he has heard about President Obama and Governor Romney. We talk about how the presidency is important and about how it is really not just one person running the government.

There is a team of people who come along with POTUS. We need to consider that along with our choice of incumbent or candidate.

It reminds me of a conversation I had with my father when I was about the same age. President Carter was running against Ronald Reagan and school was filled with rumors about what would happen if Reagan came into office or if Carter got another four years.

“Daddy, did you like this girl? Why is she hugging you like that”

“Dad, isn’t there a movie about that hostage thing you mentioned from when you were a kid? Why is she hugging you like that? Her legs are wrapped around you?”

It is not the first time they have tag teamed me with questions. I smile and tell them to take a breath and I will answer their questions.

“Her name is Lori. I was giving her a piggy back ride and yes, there is a movie called Argo that deals with things that happened during the hostage crisis.”

They look down at the picture and back up at me. I haven’t exaggerated or made anything up. I remember the picture. I did give Lori a piggyback ride.

“She was just a friend. We had races at the fraternity. Lori and I took on a few other people”

My daughter looks at me and says, “you didn’t shave in that photo. Maybe if you had she would have been a girlfriend.”

I can’t help but laugh, she is cute.

Words About Writing

I am supposed to be the featured writer at another site tomorrow. As part of that I turned in a post about writing that is supposed to share some of my thoughts about writing.

It is not as eloquent as I wanted it to be. I wanted it to be distilled wisdom from Twenty-Five Links That Will Make You A Better Writer/Blogger but think I might have fallen short.

I need to go back to Building a Future and some of the other stories and weave them together.

If you asked me to share a post I am proud of I might suggest you read Blogging Every Day Is Easy- The Class Of ’69 Speaks. I like that one. It was fun and it flowed freely from my fingertips.

Bed time calls to me

This was part of Just Write #60. It has become a post I look forward to writing each week.

P.S. If you are in the U.S. and eligible to vote please remember to go out and do so. If I had my druthers I might vote for Rufus T. Firefly. 😉