Just Write

Many of you know stories about The Big Lug whose countenance looks out at us. If you are among the 17 long time readers you might even remember when I wrote about the final goodbye.

I mention him because there are moments where I really miss talking with him. You won’t find a better listener or someone less judgmental. Of course it wasn’t always easy dealing with the beast who at 150 pounds still thought of himself as a lapdog.

Yet it was a small price to pay to have his counsel and to share the moments with. Today was a day where I realize I could have used him. It would have been good to talk to him about Fear, Anger and Ego.

Not Quite The Four Horsemen of The Apocalypse

Fear, Anger and Ego aren’t what you would call the four horsemen of the apocalypse. They are just three things that have been on my mind or should I say they are tied into many things that are on my mind.

Those three feelings are wrapped up in why I want to compete in the race I wrote about and why I want to do The Ironman. The hard truth is that I am not even close to being in the kind of shape I need to be in.

It hurts to look in the mirror and see what has become of me. My ego is bothered and bruised. I feel like I let my children down with this, but more importantly I let myself down.

That is not to say it is impossible to get back in shape because it is not- but it is not like it used to be. My 43 year-old body refuses to respond the way it used to and it irks me to no end.

All it used to take was a minor change in diet and some extra effort with the weights and things changed quickly. That is not happening like it used to so I suppose you could say I am afraid that I am going to find out that there is something wrong and I can’t do it.

But anger talks and it feeds my fire. When I let that sort of anger run through me I am able to push through some of the sets and things begin to move and to happen- so maybe fear has no place.

The Little Voices

The little voices of insecurity that have arrived are new to me. I am not used to it. I am a confident man and always have been, but there are other things that have happened that have made me question this and that.

Fear, Anger and Ego play a role there too. Fear makes me wonder if maybe I am missing something and whatever it is has created a block that it making trouble for me.

Fear makes me wonder if maybe it is obvious and I just can’t see it.

Anger berates me for my inability to figure out what should be obvious. I am not a stupid man so why do I not see it. Why can’t I figure it out.

Ego pats me on the back and advises me to just relax because I have always found a way and I will again- but those little voices keep murmuring.

Those soft brown eyes and that massive head are here twice. That’s because this is what I would have talked to him about. I wouldn’t have been cryptic or oblique. I would have shared it all and then we would have gone for a run or a walk.

Hell, maybe he would have chosen to wrestle and we would have loved it.

If the Big Lug were still here I would have told him that I am still blogging and that sometimes I focus on being a dad blogger but I am working towards other things too.

I would have told him that I feel the clock ticking and that in spite of these voices my gut still says it will all work out. I would have told him about all that I have learned and talked to him about how I chose a harder path.

We would have talked about my children are thriving and how many good things exist because things are hard now but that is not a synonym for impossible or hopeless.

This is just the transition and it so happens I am scaling part of the mountain by myself. It is a temporary thing, but it is what it is right now.

I am just trying to do my best to make sure that Fear, Anger and Ego aren’t my sole companions.

This was part of Just Write #51.

“Oh, Baby, it’s cryin’ time, Oh, Baby, I got to fly.
Got to try to find a way, Got to try to get away,
‘Cause you know I gotta get away from you, Babe.”
Four Sticks– Led Zeppelin

Midnight fast approaches and I am back at the computer wrestling to find the words that tell the stories I want to tell and to paint the pictures I want you to see. The music speaks to me and I wonder if maybe the universe is sending me a message.

It is fueling my fire and fanning the flames that burn in  my belly. I know this much is true: I want to write something that will be remembered. I want to write words that touch people and change lives.

Not sure if I have ever shared that before or if I have even been aware of it until now. Maybe I was afraid to say so, maybe I just didn’t know. Either way it makes no difference because I have said he words out loud and placed them here where they will bear witness to the promises I have made, those I have kept and those I haven’t.

The question I am mulling over in my mind is who do I want to remember me and why. Is is my ego and ambition large enough to go for broke. Will I shoot the moon and try to touch as many lives as possible or am I focused on just a few.

There is a story here that has already touched many. It has been discovered by some who think they know something more about it. It has been found by someone who thinks they play a central role in it but I will not confirm nor deny.

It is not because I am being coy, clever or adversarial but because I don’t think of things in those terms. I am still telling, sifting and sorting and am unwilling to commit to one place, moment or person.

“I had to escape , the city was sticky and cruel
Maybe I should have called you first
But I was dying to get to you

I was dreaming while I drove
The long straight road ahead
Uh-huh, yeah”
I Drove All Night– Roy Orbison

I have noticed that my best writing is often centered around my ability to tap into raw emotion and I am not pleased by this. It doesn’t always work this way but it happens more frequently than I like.

My ability to string words together is a gift and I don’t want that based upon anger, joy or sorrow. I want to call it upon it and have it answer regardless of time, place or situation. It is part of why I practice writing. I want to improve. I want to become better.

The goal at the end of the rainbow is to write the work that I mentioned earlier but in the interim I want to take joy in the journey. I talk to my children about this frequently- live now. Enjoy this moment. Things change. People grow. People move. People die.

Pay attention and be in the moment.

Questions

I want to know Are you living the life you expected to live and if not are you happy? If you aren’t happy what are you doing about it? It is tied into another discussion I have with my children. We talk about how this last year was rough and filled with changes.

We talk about how some of them were good and some were bad. I want them to remember that when things go to hell we are charged with adapting and adjusting. Some of the most frustrating moments of my life are tied into this time but I never stopped moving. I never stopped trying to change it up and I think I am on my way, but only time will tell.

The point isn’t to portray myself as a hero. It is merely to say that we have to be our own advocates. When we want things to happen we need to do what we can with what we have to make it happen.

I haven’t failed or succeeded. I am somewhere in between. But most nights I go to bed knowing that I have done my best and that is enough…for now.

To Be Remembered

The way to be remembered is take a chance and to seize the opportunities that come. But I already shared you with the desire, my desire to write that book and to tell that story.

I wonder if you can feel the energy that comes flying out of me and flowing through my fingertips. I wonder if it translates or if you are sitting there rolling your eyes because I sound like a hopped up, over zealous fool.

Ultimately it doesn’t really matter because I only know how to do this as me. Some of you will like me and some of you won’t. That is just how it goes.

This is part of Just Write #46. It is an exercise in free writing that I strongly urge you to consider participating in.

What is the value of comment sense is the sort of goofy and ambiguous headline that makes my black heart go pitter-patter. I love the way it establishes a foundation to go right or left, or maybe front or backwards.

It sets a tone that is at once off key and harmonious with exactly what I want or at least what I think I want. I think about these things often because it is part of who I am.

I like to pick, poke and prod.

I want to know why some things work and others don’t. It is equally applicable to the blogosphere as to real life.

What is Comment Sense?

I guess I see it as being tied into every other conversation we have had here about comments. I see it as being part and parcel of those. If you haven’t participated let me provide you with blogging philosophy as it pertains to comments.

This is a two way street. I will write whether you comment or not but you will have no say/influence in what I write unless you comment. You will have no say in what sort of community is being built here unless you comment.

Comments are not currency. They are not a valid indicator of whether a blog is successful or not. This doesn’t mean they cannot be used as part of measuring success, just that they shouldn’t be used on their own.

My goal is to have this place function like a barbecue or cool bar. We are here to talk, hang out and get to know each other. I like it better when I know what you think, but that doesn’t mean that I am going to do what you say. It just means that I prefer to give you the opportunity to share your thoughts about the various topics we discuss/

If you act like a jerk I may help you hoist yourself onto your own petard, or I may not.

People Remember How You Make Them Feel

People tend to remember the time you made them feel stupid or helped them remember that people can be jerks. It is rarely effective to try and convince someone to change their behavior by making them feel stupid.

I have a memory like an elephant for the times it has happened to me. I try not to hold onto that sort of crazy because it serves little to no purpose. All it does is give someone free rent inside your head and the worst part is that it could be given to someone you despise.

You don’t want to give free rent to the jerks you want forget, or at least I don’t.

The kids and I talk about this more often than I wish. They ask about moving and want to know if we’ll have good neighbors or if they will be mean. I remind them they haven’t ever had bad neighbors and that there is no point in worrying about things that have never happened.

They only sort of listen to me. They are both going to public school this year and are excited but nervous. I tell them I am too, but say that I am confident in their abilities. It is true, I am.

But part of me feels badly that the end of their time at the private school has come. The dark haired beauty hasn’t had as much time there as her brother and that really hits me. I want it to be fair. I don’t want them to say one got more than the other.

Sometimes I say that and laugh because I know some people would call me a socialist or a communist for saying/thinking it. I would be the snob who told them they can complain when they understand what the words mean and why they might be important. And then I would ask them to prove they voted.

Comment Sense And Blogging

When I circle back to comments on blogs I come back to the same places over and over. Dissent is a healthy thing. We don’t always need to agree but if you don’t try not to make it personal.

Don’t make every comment an ad for your blog. Ask questions of others and answer them.

If you aren’t having fun in the blogopshere what are you doing here. Yes, it is rhetorical question.

I think I am falling asleep while writing this so I need to wrap it up soon. Today was a really good day.

My baby had her birthday and we had all kinds of fun, but even though I know her age I still can’t believe she isn’t a toddler anymore.

If you comment on my blog I will try to make a point to visit yours, but I don’t guarantee that I will get there, because sometimes I don’t.

The Summer Slowdown

The summer slowdown is in full effect. If you are new to blogging don’t freak out about the drop in traffic because it happens to most of us. The traffic on my blog is a bit lighter than normal but I expect it to pick back up when school starts again.

It happens every year and then we forget because traffic goes back up and comments mirror expectations.

What do you think?

This was part of Just Write #45.

 

One day when my children ask me to tell them what kinds of books, movies and stories I like to write I will show them the scene above. I will tell them that it is the sort of moment that makes their dad sit up and take notice.

I’ll tell them that it taps into a million different thoughts, dreams and moments. I’ll say that it touches me and it makes me feel and that this is what I want my writing to do for others.

And then I’ll show them a few more clips like this one

and this one

That’s because dad has been dancing in the fire for a thousand years and probably will for a thousand more. It is what I do. It is who I am. It is a part of me and I no longer remember when it wasn’t.

Life Isn’t Fair

The kids and I have been talking again about what is fair and what isn’t. I have done my best to protect their innocence but I haven’t lied to them about life being unfair.

It is not fair. It never was and it never will be. There are moments where it is cruel, merciless and downright mean.

But that doesn’t mean that there is no magic nor majesty.  It doesn’t mean that we should lie down and give in to the hard times because that is not who we are either.

The point  and the purpose of talking to them about it is to set the ground rules. They need to understand that are responsible for our own happiness and obligated to work hard to get what we need and what we want.

There is no shame in that. Accomplishment is to be celebrated.

Three Generations

Last night the three remaining men in the family went to see Spiderman.  Three generations, grandfather, son and grandson took a few moments out of the day to share and celebrate.

I spent a chunk of the night watching the look on my son and father’s faces. I did it because that was magical to me. Happiness radiated from the two of them and I couldn’t stop watching them continue to build the sort of relationship I once had with my grandfathers.

It was beautiful and I loved seeing it grow.

If you are among the long times readers you know that I miss my grandparents, especially my grandfathers. You know that I got to be quite close with them both. They were important to me for a million reasons not the least of which is that I never stopped learning from them.

So how can I not feel my heart swell when I see it happening again. Maybe that is why they both showed up in my dreams last night.

We talked about life and I told them things that I won’t share here. They said what they had to say and I listened.

When I woke up I was happy to have had the time. Don’t care if it was a real visitation or just my imagination because it doesn’t matter. What matters is that I woke up with a deeper understanding of some things.

Daughters

The dark haired beauty is counting down the days until her actual birthday. She throws her arms around my neck, kisses my face and tells me to shave because my face is too scratchy.

I rub my face against hers and she squeals with laughter. She yells catch me and takes off running.

For a few minutes we run from room to room and I make sure to almost get her but not quite.

This girl of mine tells me to sit down because she has written songs and she wants to sing them to me. She makes a point to brush my hair so that it meets with her liking and then she tells me that they are romantic songs but not written for a boy.

When I ask why she is writing romantic songs she smiles. The whole point is to get a reaction from me. I know this game so for a moment I keep a blank expression and then I tell her that I am going to punch all the boys in the nose.

She roars with laughter because she thinks she has me. Ok, maybe she does just a little bit.

I think of a scene in Spiderman in which a father catches a boy in his daughter’s room and think about days to come when that could happen. I am not ready for it, but she wants to grow up now.

Writing/Epilogue

Life has been busier than I like and far more complicated.  I need to restructure things so that I get more time to write. There are words to be written and stories to be told and I feel the proverbial grains of sand slipping through my fingers with ever increasing speed.

So I am doing my best to capture these moments and burn them into memories.

It is what I do because sometimes I just write.