Life

There are changes upon changes happening here and elsewhere in my life. Some of them are exciting and some are nerve wracking.

They’re the kinds of things that are sometimes terribly hard to go through but simultaneously exciting because there is a possibility for big improvements in life.

The challenge lies in not being able to predict what will happen with the kind of authority one would like. There aren’t black and white decisions in which you can easily discern right from wrong.

There are only doors and paths you can choose to open and or walk down knowing that you cannot figure out what the best/worst is without taking a chance.

So you put in your best effort and recognize you may have to pivot and adjust as you go.

Life doesn’t provide you options based upon timing that is good for you. It just happens.

Got Jim Croce singing Operator while I think about the New Years Surprise in which I was unfriended and how I feel.

Got mixed emotions because in some ways I feel like I was blindsided and yet still ask myself if I ignored 10,000 signs of what was coming.

Got myself asking what role I played in this and if I could have done anything differently because the person that cut me loose meant quite a bit to me.

I know there was a time when they felt the same about me but maybe that changed. Maybe it went away and I ignored what was obvious.

Yet I come back to other conclusions because they read my words and watched videos. Not too long ago we were speaking throughout the day and I thought we were on a different path.

I won’t apologize for asking to have had a real conversation about where things were and what sort of goals they were focused upon. Got one answer once about it not being the right time or too difficult or some other thing.

More Than Twenty Years

So I sit here in silent mourning thinking about more than 20 years and wondering if that is it forever or if maybe there is more magic.

Some would call me crazy for asking if maybe there is. They’d say that other guy seems quite similar to the guy who lives in PA now and that I am very different.

They’d say I was given every reason not to believe and that actions lead to conclusions that don’t support the idea.

“Sure Jack, there was a time when they would have crawled through fire and across broken glass but that is in the past, deal with the present.”

That’s not a crazy position to take and I’d probably argue it too but every time I thought every ounce of opportunity, potential and possibility had been drained something happened.

So I make like the sad gorilla and lean against the wall telling myself to accept what is and take a long walk into a different reality.

If they came and said they wanted to talk I’d think about ignoring them and let them feel my absence because I was mistreated.

But the flame that has always burned isn’t yet extinguished so I might consider the conversation if I thought there was an explanation.

Would it make me feel better?

Maybe?

Would it make feel worse?

Possible but unlikely because I dislike not knowing the how and why though not as much as not having the conversation I always wanted to have about exploring opportunity in a way that had never been possible before.

Maybe it really is the final curtain call and all of the magic has been exhausted, that is possible. It happens.

But it is possible it is not as well.

We had a brief conversation in person and for a moment I could see our communication flow as freely as it ever did. For a moment I saw the flame and then they shut it down.

I’d testify to that, not that it matters or will ever happen.

Where Does The Path Lead?

I don’t know where it goes, how long it takes or who will or will not be on it. I only know I am walking it alone, no Toto walking beside me.

Can’t say if I’ll find the Scarecrow, Tinman and Lion along the path or if I’ll fight the flying monkeys by myself.

But I am certain I’ll get to where I am going and that my future remains unwritten. So if it doesn’t play out as I thought or hoped I’ll be ok because I always land on my feet, even if I feel like a piece of my heart is missing.

I try to start each day with a good attitude and open to possibility but I don’t always succeed.

Today has me wrapped up in thoughts, questions and ideas and it leads me to wonder how it will all play out.

It could be a long day. Could be a very hard day, but it might not.

Much of what is on my mind is outside of my control and so I am doing my best to manage it. When your ship hits stormy waters you do the best you can to sail through it.

Would feel better if I could see land but it is too dark and cloudy to see very far ahead. So this may be one of those take it one moment at a time minutes.

Sometimes adulting is far harder than we want it to be.

I ate well over the holidays and had a feeling that I was getting myself into trouble but I ignored it.

It is my own fault. I had really turned things around and I felt like I was on a great track and then there was mix of my own cockiness and failure to remember I am not 25.

I could have gotten away with it then because I could make a few adjustments and turn it on at the gym and the body responded.

This body responds still, but not like it once did and not without accepting that we aren’t who we once were and can’t act like we still are.

So I did this to myself, not making excuses.

Am I being honest or am I being hard on myself?

The answer is yes to both and that is ok.
Turn It Around

I can still turn it around, we haven’t passed the land of no return but it is going to take some work. I am irritated with myself and having to be more concerned about some changes because of aging.

But it is a privilege, getting older that is and one that I need to treat better.

Starts today, guess we’ll see how it goes and go from there.