Life

Someone asked me to describe what is happening at this moment and I said ‘It hurts.’

They asked for more and I shrugged my shoulders because I was unwilling to let it out. Very few want to hear it and fewer still are capable of helping.

This is one of those moments where there is only one path and that is forward. Until I get through it I have to live with the pain.

Not to be a tough guy but because there are no other options and no one else can take it on.

I would let it go if I could, but that is not an option so for a while I have to gut it out and if it means sometimes I scream or howl, well that is what I will do.

It will pass.

Life is filled with surprises, not all are good and not all are bad.

The moment when the person you call ‘boss’ comes down on you without provocation and with weak excuses for their bad behavior is both disturbing and unexpected.

Unexpected because there was a moment when you were the greatest in the office and they sung your praises.

And then disturbing in a way that made you have to pop out your AirPods so you could take a phone call.

Which is to say it was so unbelievable you wanted to make sure you heard it with your own ears.

I damn near called that girl afterwards to tell her, but she went silent the other day so I wasn’t sure if she was busy or needed space.

Had I been certain I had to get her counsel I would have reached out immediately but I wasn’t certain and I was angry.

Slightly irked with her because one likes to have one’s air but more pissed off with the situation in general.

Because that call made my eyes bug out a little bit.

Is he nuts?

The answer is damn straight.

Just Breathe

PTSD from past events made my heart pound a little bit as I wondered where this was going and then I decided I am going to control it.

Not really sure how, but the plan is to do just that, somehow control it.

Somehow turn weakness into strength and make like Archimedes and his lever.

I think I know where that lever is and how to use it, but it is going to take some doing and it is going to take some balls.

Going to take some deep breaths to master the moment and then we are going to see what we can do to make this moment be nothing more than a short blip.

And wouldn’t that be quite the trick and worthy of a blog post or two about that moment.

Stay tuned.

Feels like I have got myself in a bit of a fix and I am not entirely sure of what will happen.

Might be ok, might not be.

Kind of disconcerting.

Here goes nothing.

Told the Shmata Queen I want to take her away for a week or two or ten to get some answers to the questions we can answer and to escape some of the crap we can’t.

Thing is circumstances make that especially challenging.

Looked at her face across a Zoom meeting and snorted because circumstances again made me wonder if I ever could have imagined any of this.

Told her I could hear the goddamn bells ringing even when I tried to ignore them and finally said fuck it, no reason to ignore.

So I just went with it.

****

Opened up the electronic paper and watched the destruction and chaos and wondered how the fuck I am supposed to talk to my kids about this.

They are old enough to have real conversation and so we did, but damn if I didn’t feel crazed during it knowing others have a harder struggle than I do.

Doing My Part

I am doing my part to push back against the tide of hate and chaos.

Donating time and money, speaking out and trying to move others to understand.

Asked a few what they expect to happen when they tell people they can’t protest by taking a knee but it is ok for men of a different color to assemble with guns.

Showed them pictures of a kid who was suspected of murder sitting with handcuffs and another of George Floyd being murdered because he was suspected of a minor forgery.

They aren’t the only examples of inequality and that is the issue in a nutshell.

What has happened more than once has repeatedly done so time after time so you ask what it takes to affect change.

It is not an event limited to my fifty-some years on earth but one that precedes me, my father, grandfather, and great-grandfather.

While there are distinct improvements some areas are the same as they ever were so how do I ask for patience if the non-violent is considered verboten too.

Diluting The Message

I don’t advocate for violence or think it is appropriate because it is diluting the message and too many innocent people get hurt.

But I understand why people go there and how it happens.

What would I do if I were in a position in which I felt unheard and incapable of getting people to listen.

Would I act any different.

Would I be as patient as some are when they are challenged for doing what I take for granted?

The answer is no.

I showed the kids the video of the truck driver in Oklahoma and my children said it would have taken me less than five minutes to have driven the truck around the car that was blocking it.

I like to believe it would have been longer than that, but ultimately I probably would have done so.

Unless I was reasonably certain of the consequences but that it is the thing, I can do so more safely.

****

It doesn’t take much for me to tan and for some people to ask if I am mixed, but that happens less than it used to when I had fewer responsibilities and spent more time outdoors.

Ultimately I look like another White guy to most people so I hear things. That sometimes includes comments about being Jewish so that I am reminded that to some I am only White when convenient.

I never forget that or that even that truth is something I can sometimes hide.

It is day 918,984 of 2020 and chaos surrounds me in large because we had the misfortune to put Delusional Donald Trump into office.

Let me correct that, I didn’t vote for him and actively pushed people not to vote for him because I was convinced he was an incompetent fool who was running for office solely to stroke his ego.

When he won I was disappointed but I figured we would get beyond him and that Trump would be like a giant pothole the US hit on the highway.

What I didn’t recognize was he was the dirtbag grifter head of a cult that has no interest in dealing with reality and would readily sunder any connection they had with morals, ethics and reality.

It never occurred to me that he could 10,000 times worse than I expected and that he would actively sow chaos and push division.

Didn’t occur to me that he would push hate and move people to hurt other Americans just because they disagreed or that he would like the idea of Civil War.

Crooked Donnie has systematically and repeatedly attacked democratic norms and institutions and the system of checks and balances that is supposed to prevent him from doing what he is doing has been failing.

Donnie’s Disease

Some say criticism of him proves a lack of patriotism and or parrot his desire to label anything he doesn’t like as fake.

Sadly his disease of delusion has been contracted by many and they have taken to either letting him do/say whatever he wants without holding him accountable.

If policies don’t work and ideas are subjected to criticism it is always the fault of another. It is never because they’re bad policies or because there are better ideas.

It is dangerous and disappointing behavior and part of why more than 80,000 Americans are dead and millions unemployed.

The Trump administration failed to take Coronavirus seriously and did not plan or prepare for the disaster they saw coming.

Eventually, they recognized it was a mistake and began to do a few things including a general gaslighting campaign to convince the cult that Trump had taken action and that others had stopped him from doing what needed to be done.

But those of us who read and are not willfully blind know otherwise. We know he used magical thinking to say it wouldn’t be serious, was going to just go away and that his half-ass travel ban was ineffective.

We know he dropped the ball multiple times and in multiple areas all the whole trying to blame others for yet another failure on his part.

I don’t know where we are going to end up but I do know we are a very sick and broken country right now.

Some say we are irreparably broken but I am not one of those people but I think we are heading into much steeper downward spiral and Trump is doing all he can to accelerate it.

****

It can be mitigated, adjusted and improved upon but I am not prepared to say fixed, too much has to be done for me to say that.

But I won’t say it is impossible either.

Been meaning to update this place as I have updated every other blog I think but it hasn’t happened.

Got jammed with more than a little nonsense to deal with in the personal and professional areas of life.

Most of it has been ok but some has been the kind of irritating and irksome material. About time to talk to my doc and ask him about a particular situation that has stuck around for a bit.

It is of a personal nature and I had expected it to resolve itself but it doesn’t seem to want to do that and I am unclear as to whether I haven’t given enough time or if it needs treatment.

In general it doesn’t prevent me from doing as I wish but when it shows up it is noticeable and I wonder if there is reason to be more concerned.

Might not be, but I really don’t know enough so I’ll ask and get a sense of it.

Been waiting too because of Covid19 thinking things might settle down a bit.

No need to go racing off to get help for something that generally doesn’t bother me, especially when it feels like we haven’t peaked yet.

Is it 56 days of quarantine or 18 years, I am not really sure.

But I am certain this is real, not a hoax and that Trump bungled the response.