Life

The man looked at the mirror and asked his reflection to answer a question.

“What happens if it is love and not strong affection?

What are you going to do if you figure out that what thought had faded hadn’t burned out?

Are you going to keep it a secret and try to choke out the flame, dampen the embers so that you don’t face the hard questions.

Or are you going to tell her and see what she says? Are you going to give her a chance to participate?

What if she says no.

What if she says yes.”

The reflection didn’t provide any insight proving if nothing else this wasn’t a magic mirror or that if it was the genie behind the screen was bored, occupied or asleep.

“Damn you reflection and damn you woman. In the age of a worldwide pandemic I am forced to look at things differently and ask the questions you never really expect to ask.

No one really wonders or worries about what might happen if someone gets sick and dies because it doesn’t usually happen in anything but books, television and movies.”

Thanks Walt

He walked away from the mirror, shook his head, tied his shoes and walked outside.

Endless blue skies made it seem like the thunderstorms of the morning were part of a dream.

The weather felt perfect and the exercise helped clear his head and confirm he wasn’t imagining things or making shit up.

He thought about Whitman and thanked him for providing a reasonable but somewhat useless answer because what he wanted was a simple solution.

Except he wasn’t going to get that and though he knew it there was no denying interest in it.

Now he had to decide what the best path forward was and then follow it. Thing was he was pretty sure he knew what he would do and the more he thought about it the more he recognized it was what he always was going to do.

He sighed deeply, smiled and kept moving forward. Life was pretty fucking interesting, even if it and she were sometimes a pain-in-his-ass.

“Been on about 12 flights in the last three weeks or so.”

Man nods at me and asks how many nights that works out to be, so I close my eyes for a moment and respond “13.”

He says that is a lot and I nod my head.

“Yeah, 13 nights and 14 days away from home in a short time has left me feeling a little bit like I am hanging on by more than a thread but not with the sort of grip I want.

Can’t decide how well I am doing and it irritates me because I want to feel like I have a far stronger grip on things.

Thing is that I might be farther along and more secure than I recognize but I hesitate to accept it because I don’t want to be unnecessarily cocky about it.

Don’t want to let insecurity take over because I don’t think that is accurate either, but some times it feels like I am closer to there than I want.

One day at a time, one day at a time.

Seems impossible to believe Kobe died in a helicopter crash and harder to reconcile that I am connected to some of the other victims.

Not in a “hey, I know them kind of way” but in the I know a teacher whose student just lost her entire family.

One moment she had parents and a sister and now they are all gone.

It is another reminder about how tenuous our grip upon life is and how easily it can be severed.

Kobe was an interesting character, far more than just a basketball player but now we’ll never see where that curiosity and drive would take him too.

The consequences of certain actions and behaviors caught up with me last week.

Amidst the horror and frustration came a certain acceptance of the reality and a question about what future would be had.

Some of it was very painful and some freeing.

That exchange of shackles was invigorating and yet contained some disheartening moments. So here we are on the verge of making real change or going along as before with the idea that this time it might be different.

Some part says it is not ridiculous because a tweak, twist and turn is enough to change going along into something more effective.

The question isn’t whether it is possible or can it happen but will it.

We’re approaching the end of four weeks of training for the new position and I am pretty optimistic about it.

Stayed within the same company so my tenure and benefits haven’t been affected so that has been a significant bonus.

Ask me what my gut feel is for this and I’ll tell you it really looks good and say I am relatively nervous too.

That is the joy of the unknown because for the moment I have few responsibilities but that will change soon. I am trying to enjoy this time but it is not easy because of the unknown and lack of control.

So every day I focus on what I can control and do my best to let the rest go because it just sucks time and energy out of me.

Some days I am good about it and some days less good. I suppose the primary issue is some of the changes I feel are so profound it is hard not to be impacted by them.

I try to make a game out of it where I compete against myself and work on mental toughness because the more times I beat myself the bigger the win.

That may sound awkward but the meaning to me is clear and for this I am the only one who matter but I would be lying if I said there aren’t moments where I want a hug and a smile that makes it clear I have support.

No reason to try to be tough all the time.