So dear reader I have a question for you. Do you believe in holding onto old love letters or when the relationship ends do you throw them away?
Love
Ring of Fire- A Broken Heart?
Love Is A Burning Thing
And It Makes A Fiery Ring
Bound By Wild Desire
I Fell Into A Ring Of FireCHORUS:
I Fell Into A Burning Ring Of Fire
I Went Down, Down, Down
And The Flames Went HigherAnd It Burns, Burns, Burns
The Ring Of Fire
The Ring Of FireI Fell Into A Burning Ring Of Fire
I Went Down, Down, Down
And The Flames Went HigherAnd It Burns, Burns, Burns
The Ring Of Fire
The Ring Of FireThe Taste Of Love Is Sweet
When Hearts Like Ours Meet
I Fell For You Like A Child
Oh, But The Fire Went WildCHORUS
I Fell Into A Burning Ring Of Fire
I Went Down, Down, Down
And The Flames Went Higher
Cool New Version of Johnny Cash
And It Burns, Burns, Burns
The Ring Of Fire
The Ring Of FireI Fell Into A Burning Ring Of Fire
I Went Down(down), Down(down), Down(down)
And The Flames Went Higher Higher HigherAnd It Burns, Burns, Burns
The Ring Of Fire
The Ring Of FireAnd It Burns, Burns, Burns
The Ring Of Fire
The Ring Of Fire
Oh Yeah!
The Ring Of Fire
For Johnny and June
Written by June Carter and Merle Kilgore
In a number of posts I have mentioned how a number of my friends are splitting up with their wives. As a consequence I have had many conversations in which we have discussed love and relationships, not to mention the time that I have spent thinking about the topic on my own.
If you have spent any time hanging out around here it should be apparent that I have never been afraid to share my opinion with others. However, the beauty of age and the wisdom you acquire (Hah! I know who am I to claim wisdom) is that sometimes you learn how to keep your opinions to yourself.
So here are some thoughts that I didn’t share and some that I did.
Many people have said that sometimes love just isn’t enough to keep a relationship alive. There is a lot of truth to that, especially if you don’t like the person you love. But I think that if you are very lucky you have the kind of love that I hear described in Ring of Fire.
It is the kind of love that you can’t quite describe. It is the love that takes your breath away and makes you willing to walk through fire for him/her. It is the kind of love that makes you act like a fool.
Some people might claim that what I have described is a young and immature love, but I don’t necessarily believe that to be true. Sometimes a couple goes through hell and comes out the other side. Sometimes circumstances help to forge their love into something that just doesn’t break.
Ring of Fire is one of my favorite songs. It has a quite a bit of meaning to me. Here are a number of different versions of the song.
Ring of Fire– George Canyon
Ring of Fire– Ray Charles
Ring of Fire– Social Distortion
Ring of Fire– Johnny Cash and Willie Nelson
Ring of Fire– Wall of Voodoo
Ring of Fire– Dilana
Ring of Fire– Dwight Yoakam
Ring of Fire– June Carter Cash
Ring of Fire– Coldplay
Ring of Fire– Lucy Kaplansky
Ring of Fire– Blondie
Ring of Fire– Leningrad Cowboys
Now as I have had these discussions with the boys I have had occasion to consider the times in which my heart has been broken. It has happened more than a few times. And each time it has happened I have gone through moments like those described below:
“No one knows what it’s like to be the bad man
To be the sad man behind blue eyes
No one knows what it’s like
To be hated, to be fated to telling only liesBut my dreams, they aren’t as empty
As my conscience seems to be
I have hours, only lonely
My love is vengeance that’s never freeNo one knows what it’s like
To feel these feelings like I do and I blame you!
No one bites back as hard on their anger
None of my pain and woe can show throughBut my dreams, they aren’t as empty
As my conscience seems to be
I have hours only lonely
My love is vengeance, that’s never freeWhen my fist clenches, crack it open
Before I use it and lose my cool
When I smile, tell me some bad news
Before I laugh and act like a foolAnd If I swallow anything evil
Put your finger down my throat
And If I shiver, please give me a blanket
Keep me warm, let me wear your coatNo one knows what it’s like to be the bad man
To be the sad man behind blue eyes”
Behind Blue Eyes- The Who
Behind Blue Eyes– The Who
I think that I’ll end this post here. I may pick it up and write more in a bit.
Repairing a Broken Heart- The Modern Man
If you haven’t noticed or I haven’t told you I like music to accompany my writing. Sometimes it helps to set and maintain the tone of whatever it is I am working on. Sometimes the music is supposed to help you, the reader better understand and sometimes it doesn’t mean a freaking thing.
As a point of interest, whenever I link to a song on YouTube, unless otherwise noted the music is the most important piece.
Love Reign O’er Me– The Who
Somewhere Down The Road– Barry Manilow
Sweet Home Alabama – Lenigrad Cowboys & Russian Red Army Choir
In an earlier post I mentioned that I have several friends who are in the process of splitting up with their spouses. They are not the first friends of mine to get divorced, but they are the first to do so at this time of life.
For those who care, here is the distinction between the two. There were a few who got married in their early twenties and by the time they had hit their mid to late twenties their marriages were over. No children or property was involved either time.
Now it is different. Now there are kids and there are assets and there are complications that didn’t exist for those other friends. Not to belittle or marginalize them, but splitting up then was far less complicated.
And now the boys are dealing with their relationships and trying to process what it all means. The conversations feel a bit surreal. Are we really old enough to have these discussions. Can we really be in a place where we wonder about how we got to this place, where we ask how things got so crazy and mixed up. Can we really be old enough to talk about custody issues and to wonder if it is possible to fall in love more than once.
Are we really old enough to wonder if we have reached a place where you can never fix a broken heart. Because that is precisely what one of them asked me. He is confident that dissolution of the marriage is the way to go and that they cannot get past their differences. But he says that his heart is broken and that he can’t imagine ever feeling anything for anyone again.
I am tempted to show him the Pablo Neruda poem, or at least a quote from it:
“What does it matter that my love couldn’t keep her.The night is full of stars and she is not with me.
That’s all. Far away, someone sings. Far away.My soul is lost without her.
As if to bring her near, my eyes search for her.My heart searches for her and she is not with me.
The same night that whitens the same trees.We, we who were, we are the same no longer.
I no longer love her, true, but how much I loved her.My voice searched the wind to touch her ear.
Someone else’s. She will be someone else’s. As she once belonged to my kisses.
Her voice, her light body. Her infinite eyes.I no longer love her, true, but perhaps I love her.Love is so short and oblivion so long.
Because on nights like this I held her in my arms,my soul is lost without her.
Although this may be the last pain she causes me, and this may be the last poem I write for her.”
But I think that I’ll hold off. I am not sure that it would help or that he would appreciate it. It is a funny thing to be a man today. Our fathers and grandfathers would deal with this sort of thing stoically, no doubt or weakness to be shown to others.
Now we modern men are told that it is ok to show feeling, that it is cool to cry. But at the same time we still receive the messages of old, that it is better to show strength. Better to laugh it off and say that there are lots of fish in the sea,
I feel for him, I really do. Because I wonder what sort of outlet he has. I have told him that he has my ear. I am happy to listen, to grab a beer or watch a movie. If he wants my advice I am glad to give it to him.
Advice, now that is a dicey proposition. Relationships are really complex creatures. I have learned to be quite careful in what I say. His soon to ex is in simple terms a major bitch. I don’t know a single friend of his who liked her. But I don’t want to say that. I don’t see how it is going to help and on the off chance that they somehow reconcile I don’t want to make things awkward.
When he asks me how to fix a broken heart and wonders what I would do I have to tell him that I think it is a really hard question to answer. It is not because I haven’t got an opinion or prefer to sit on the fence. I just think that it is different for everyone.
If someone were to break my heart now I am not quite sure exactly what I would do. I have my ideas. I have my thoughts and my sense is that I’d follow my gut. But again that is a personal thing. If you really are in love with someone I am not someone who just says goodbye. I go the distance. And yet again I have to say that this is a personal thing.
Repairing that broken heart is one of those chores in life that requires you to find your own way. You have to wander around and find your own path.
Special note to anonymous from this post, I included Barry Manilow again. Here is another just for you. 😉
The Saddest Love- Pablo Neruda
Tonight I stumbled onto a poem by Pablo Neruda that caught my attention. It tells a story that is filled with rich imagery and emotion
“I can write the saddest poem of all tonight.
Write, for instance: “The night is full of stars,and the stars, blue, shiver in the distance.”
The night wind whirls in the sky and sings.
I can write the saddest poem of all tonight.I loved her, and sometimes she loved me too.
On nights like this, I held her in my arms.I kissed her so many times under the infinite sky.
She loved me, sometimes I loved her.
How could I not have loved her large, still eyes?
I can write the saddest poem of all tonight.To think I don’t have her. To feel that I’ve lost her.
To hear the immense night, more immense without her.And the poem falls to the soul as dew to grass.
What does it matter that my love couldn’t keep her.The night is full of stars and she is not with me.
That’s all. Far away, someone sings. Far away.My soul is lost without her.
As if to bring her near, my eyes search for her.My heart searches for her and she is not with me.
The same night that whitens the same trees.We, we who were, we are the same no longer.
I no longer love her, true, but how much I loved her.My voice searched the wind to touch her ear.
Someone else’s. She will be someone else’s. As she once belonged to my kisses.
Her voice, her light body. Her infinite eyes.I no longer love her, true, but perhaps I love her.Love is so short and oblivion so long.
Because on nights like this I held her in my arms,my soul is lost without her.
Although this may be the last pain she causes me, and this may be the last poem I write for her.”
Not All Marriages Are Meant To Last
Some posts are sad by nature and some are sad by association. I am not sure if that makes sense to anyone else, but it does to me. And since this is my blog it is my vote that counts. Anyway as I grow older and presumably gain more wisdom I get to bear witness to more life experiences.
Marriage, divorce, childbirth, life and death. I have seen a little bit of everything. Can’t say, or won’t say that I consider myself to be an expert on any of it. But if there is one thing that I have learned it is that we all have separate paths to walk and that there is no one right way to live life.
Some people have accused me of trying to take a stance of being a fence sitter. I suppose that it is nice to live in a world in which everything is black and white, good or bad, etc. I wish that it were so easy. I wish that I could divide the world up in this manner, but I just can’t.
It doesn’t mean that there aren’t areas in which I draw lines or that I don’t have very clear feelings about what is right or wrong, I do. But I learned a long time ago that in some areas of life it is not so easy to make these claims.
Denise and I have been friends for many years. We met at youth group event a thousand years ago, attended the same summer camp and have a number of friends in common. I was at her wedding as she was at mine. So it is fair to say that we have been a part of each other lives and that we have grown up together.
A while back she confided in me that she and her husband were having some problems with their relationship. For a while I did nothing but listen and try to absorb it all. From an outsider’s perspective you’d never guess that they were unhappy. They are good actors, but that also comes from trying to protect the children.
Anyway, Denise told me her story and then waited for my response. I was very cautious in how I replied. I tried to go for the safe response and suggested that she consider going to counseling with him. She told me that she really didn’t see the point and that in her experience once the love was gone it never came back.
So I asked her if she wasn’t going to go to counseling why she would stay in her marriage. In response she told me that her husband was a child of divorce and that he had told her about how horribly it had affected him.
I didn’t say anything. She pressed me for a response and gave me the speech, “I won’t be angry, just tell me.” On a side note I hate that speech. It is no safer than the “does this make me look fat” talk.
Anyway, I hemmed and hawed and decided to give her my real opinion. Here is a rough outline:
1) I do not believe that all marriages are made to last.
2) Divorce doesn’t have to be a nightmare for you or for the children. Sometimes it can be the best thing.
3) Staying married solely for the children is not always smart.
Please remember that I am not a doctor, social worker or miracle man, I just play one on television.
On a serious note, Denise was surprised when I told her that I didn’t think that all marriages are meant to last and that I am not an advocate for staying married solely for the children.
I won’t rehash the entire conversation, but I’ll share this. I think that marriage is a wonderful thing that a good marriage is amazing. And I’ll say as I have many times that relationships take work. You have to take care of them or they start to suffer and bad things can happen.
But the thing is that sometimes even if you try to take care of them you find that you and your partner grow apart. As you age sometimes you just go in different directions. Sometimes you can bridge that gap. Sometimes that works and sometimes you find yourself so far apart that you don’t recognize the other anymore.
At some point you have to commit to working together to find new things in common or you have to accept that you have chosen to go a separate way. But if you do choose to take that separate path you are really sailing in uncharted waters.
Denise came right out and asked me if I thought that she should get divorced. I told her that I couldn’t answer that question. I am not a part of that marriage. I can’t say whether it is beyond repair or not. It is not my place.
All I can do is listen. I really don’t know what she’ll do. As our last conversation she was going to try and hang on until her youngest graduates high school. If I remember correctly that is around 14 or 15 years.
But if you ask me, it won’t last that long. Based upon what she told me I just can’t see it lasting that long. They don’t do much as a couple anymore. They’re more like roommates. She is a serious romantic. At some point in time she is going to miss that and she is going to begin to grow more irritated with him.
Unless something happens, I give it five years, but what do I know. I am not part of that relationship. Maybe it is better than she suggests.
A Tale of Two Widowers
This is the sort of post that I struggle to write. I struggle because I have a story to tell and I want to convey the message in a particular way but I am not quite sure how to do it. It is a story of life and death, of the power and pain of love.
It is moments like this where I wish that I could write music because such a tale deserves an appropriate soundtrack. A full orchestra that could impart the highs and lows of this story because I am not quite sure that I can do it justice. Since that is just not possible I am going to do my best to fumble my way through this. All I can do try my best to catch the Silver man, so here we go.
Just a few short hours ago I was at a holiday dinner with my family. The table was covered in with a beautiful linen table cloth and adorned with china and silver. Several assortments of flowers were spread out throughout the table. And of course there were lots of guests surrounding the table.
Now I could tell you about the peals of laughter emanating from children like silver bells or I could share the sounds of my grandparents and relatives discussing the election and the rabbi’s sermon. It wouldn’t be hard because those are probably things that you can relate to.
But then I might miss out on sharing a tale of two widowers. Two men who lost their wives roughly a year ago. Two men who sat at the table and enjoyed the meal, but whose eyes and words revealed the depth of the pain of loss.
It seems unfair that I can’t tell you their individual stories because it is. It is unfair because they lost the light in their candle long before they ever expected to see them go dark. It is unfair because it is unfair. Sometimes evil people live much longer lives than good people. It is unfair because life is unfair.
And it bothers me that I have to teach my children that no matter what we do life will never be fair. It bothers me that I have to teach my children about death and that no matter what they or anyone else does, they will experience death. One day the people they love the most will be gone and all they will have left will be memories.
But I’ll do my best to teach my children to seek the positive side of all this. If the loss doesn’t hurt than there is a problem. I have often thought that to a certain extent you can expect the loss to be as painful as the love was joyful.
I spoke with both of these men at different times this evening and I spoke with both of these men during shiva calls. And part of what struck me is how deeply they loved their wives and how their losses wounded them.
At separate moments they both made a point of telling me to make sure that I truly live my life because the person I love most could unexpectedly be taken from me. It is a theft like no other. I can’t say that I truly understand what they are going through, but I can say that I am convinced that the hardest pain to deal with is mental pain.
You can always find a way to get around the physical pain, but mental pain is a harder nut to crack. How do you turn off your memory. How do you forget and would you really want to.
So I find myself lost in thought about the words that they shared with me and how to apply them to my life. I don’t want to wake up and say that I failed to live my dreams because I failed to try. It is one thing to have tried and failed and another to have never done so.
I can find a way to live with the failure of having tried and been unsuccessful, but I don’t think that I can live with never having tried. Someday is a great way to put off the future, but someday doesn’t always come.
And so I find myself pondering the new year with similar thoughts and questions to those I had last year. If I have any sort of resolution it is to make a greater effort to live my dreams and to do the things that I need to do to have a happier and more meaningful life because you really don’t know when it might all come crashing down upon you.