Narishkeit

Took A Story With No End and came up with a few ideas that I haven’t finished executing yet.

Thought about whether the divorced redneck attorney who thinks he has a shot at SQ would appreciate a cameo and left his dumbass out of it.

Dude probably is sniffing underwear infected with Covid19 while jerking off to a picture of Dear Leader in all his naked Orangeness.

Or maybe he is shoving his fat hands into a bag of Cheetos and leaving orange stains all over his shirts while working on briefs, hell if I know the real story.

What I know is that some of these dopey QAnon conspiracy theory believing motherfuckers are sniffing around where they don’t belong not recognizing the digital footprints they leave behind.

I take my screenshots and prepare my files and don’t bother to tell them I see far more than they recognize, realize or understand.

If you are going to come for me you might find the castle empty and discover I have come for you or is that a Game of Thrones plot.

A Kinder, Gentler Jack

Got a few people asking for a kinder gentler Jack, the dude with two hands wrapped in your hair or maybe the one whose body your legs are wrapped around because you asked for special manhandling.

Even now that still makes SQ smile but I digress.

That is what happens when I get fired up and remember who the fuck I am and what I have accomplished.

I broke the chains, moved heaven and earth and got shackled again only to break free another time.

I think I got hit in the head and I forgot about things but time has passed and memory is returning with it.

So I am running free and seeing the field with a clarity I haven’t had for a bit.

Not going to stop until I have covered the immediate ground in front of me and even then I may keep going for a bit.

Sometimes a man has got to do nothing but be a man and feed his inner nature.

I’ll let you dear reader decide what that means and whether it is good, bad or in between.

Got just enough time for a hit and run post. Just enough time to throw a few words upon the page.

No time to confirm if I have turned the perfect phrase or made grammatical errors that will embarrass me. Just a moment to acknowledge this is the fourth Chanukah I am celebrating in Texas.

Time to shake my head in wonder and amazement that I am here. Some question the how and why my coming back and sometimes I do too.

Except this moment makes me think there is something deeper than the obvious reasons and maybe I ought to acknowledge that.

Regardless of whether it is true or what reasons got me to where I am my life has changed and is continuing to evolve.

It is a mix of exciting and WTF do I do now.

Sometimes it feels like I am living in a jar and a giant has picked the damn thing up and tilted it so we are gradually sliding to the other side and maybe even end up being ejected from the bottle.

I am doing the best I can to manage it and to roll with the changes as they come, they are legion.

It is not easy, but it is better than what once was and so I will go with it.

Wish me luck and I’ll take that alongside whatever skill I have acquired along the way.

Jack has left the building.

The music is appropriate for new beginnings and the changes that are coming so I might as well let it play on.

This is the last full week in my current position at work, which is to say I am starting a new job.

Technically it won’t begin before the first week of December but next week I am only on from Monday-Wednesday.

It is within the same company and includes a decent raise and some other benefits so I am excited about that but a little nervous.

The nerves aren’t horrible because this is the right move for me because what I have been doing isn’t sustainable and I am sometimes amazed that I managed to make it work for as long as I have.

It is surreal to think the position that brought me back to Texas is going away, even it is my choice to make it happen.

Now that I have made the decision I am realizing how angry I have been with those who gave me this role and did so while tying an anchor to my legs.

Which is to say I wasn’t set up for success and made things work with a father who was dying and a child who has undergone a very significant struggle.

Got put on probation a couple of times for things that were not my fault and fought my way out of the hole they threw me in more than once.

So now that change is here and I can let myself breathe I can say my anger has finally surfaced and there is a bit of rage and unbridled fury within.

Trying to let it go because there is no point sucking on poison.

The Stories I Would Share

Might as well move into another Erez Lev Ari song while I say I have been living on my own for such a long time now I sometimes wonder if I am capable of really living with people again.

I suppose given the right circumstances I would be fine and that I would be capable of being in a real partnership.

But I am not ever going to put myself in a situation in which someone else gets to half-ass it. If you want me you get me, but you get all–the good and the bad.

And if you can’t handle it for whatever reasons I get it, but after 24 years some things have to be different.

It is clear to me the train left the station long ago and that some things will never be what they could have been had my words been given their due.

So the partnership to bring the kids from babies to a place where they can fly on their own will likely be most of the story for one, but not all for me.

****

Had our office party today and got a good laugh from the reactions I got from people who have never seen Old Jack unleashed.

Some of them told me how surprised they were to hear more than 5 words and that I can be kind of funny. That made me laugh because those who know me rarely describe me as shy or quiet.

But within a professional environment, I am a little bit different. That is not to say I never speak my mind because I do.

Hell, more than one person has remarked about how tenacious I can be about certain things but if you don’t interact with me outside of meetings you probably don’t notice.

That is because I hate being in unproductive meetings so I push hard to make them go smoothly and rapidly which means I don’t speak unless there is a purpose. I haven’t any need to talk to prove how smart I am or to gain favor.

Actions do that and if they don’t, well I have other ways to promote myself than keep meetings running.

Who Am I And Where Will I Be

I am working out the answers to those questions though I already have thoughts and ideas about them both.

Call it the joy of being a half century in age and armed with enough life experience and youth to make something of it.

Watch out world, I am coming through.

Sometimes I really wish I could go travel back in time to do some things differently and to reexperience other things.

Today I would gladly go back to 2005 or so and take the leap of faith. And if I couldn’t do that I would ask for the promise and hold fast to it.

And if I couldn’t do that I would go back to 2013 and make a few changes there.

But I can’t do any of those things as far as I know so I can only walk forward and see where it leads.

Most of the time I am good with that, but every now and then it is harder. Harder because there is a moment where I realize I would speak in a particular way but won’t now.

Won’t because of uncertainty and circumstances which always begs the question of whether 20 seconds of crazy bravery would be the solution or the worst choice.

Could be something in between as well, or not.

Someone asked why this place has been quiet for so long and I told them Traveling Jack has been engaged in multiple adventures in places without WiFi or cell service.

They ask if the Shmata Queen has been a part of these or if Traveling Jack has been alone.

If I told you she was kidnapped and I have been working out the details of how to rescue her would you shake your head and ask what really happened or beg for more details?

Would you say it’s inconceivable she would allow herself to be captured and or locked up or that she would need my help?

If you picked another option and said I would let her remain locked up and not breach the castle walls and pull her out of there you would be wrong.

They haven’t built the place that could do that.

Lead Or Follow

Sometimes you have to choose between options and the question is as simple as lead or follow.

You may want and long for the shades of gray which enable you to see circumstances in terms that aren’t as stark but you can’t always get what you want..

So you pick the road and lead or follow the path for as long as you can and that is how it goes until life chooses to make you change again.

Maybe it is with a shmata and maybe it is without.

What is today will not always reflect what is tomorrow.

That may make your heart cry or may make it sing.

More to come on this or maybe not.