Narishkeit

They told me to never bring a knife to a gunfight but no one said one word about flame throwers so I figured fuck it, if you are going to try and throw a few grenades about you might as well do it.

And then I remembered the timer is running and that I only have five minutes to tell you about how some of your list posts are awful.

Here goes:

I HATE list posts about men and women collectively or separately that tell the reader what they don’t know about the other sex. That’s because they invariably rely upon gross generalizations that really can’t be applied collectively.

What I hate even more is when you point out the lack of specifics and substance and they say you can’t understand because you have privilege that prevents you from understanding why group XYZ feels as they do.

Fuck you and your comments about privilege.

Yeah, I sometimes swear on this blog.

If you want to have a conversation about a topic because you think it is important then let’s have a conversation. Let’s talk about the whole thing, the good and the bad and see if we can find some common ground.

But don’t tell me I can’t possibly understand and call me ignorant or unenlightened because I disagree with your perspective. Maybe your privilege is based upon telling people to STFU when there isn’t enough substance to support your POV.

List Posts Based Upon Popularity

Let’s not pretend that lists of the funniest, best, smartest or greatest bloggers that are based upon popularity have any real meaning because they don’t.

If your list is based upon who got the most votes you have created a meaningless moment in the sun for some poor Joe who hasn’t realized that popularity stopped carrying weight when we got out of school or at least it should have.

Sometimes it does creep back into things. Sometimes popularity means you don’t have to work as hard as others because you have that certain something that creates charisma and people think you are clever, meaningful and handsome.

In that case I congratulate you for being lucky too.

List Posts I Like

I do like some list posts. I like the ones that provide a little meat, they come with a little comment about why things appear on the list.

If you list your favorite plugins I like reading about why you like them and how you think the KIWI widget is faster loading than some of the premium versions out there.

When you say you have a list of the best cellphones and you provide criteria for why, like ease of use, operating systems, cost and how efficient it is I smile.

That is because there is substance and specifics.

Maybe I am too anal for gross generalizations and too grumpy for popularity contests. Don’t know, but five minutes is up.

From the archives…

Hi all

As many of you know I sometimes play with telemarketers. I can’t say that there is any rhyme or reason to it. It sort of depends on my mood and the approach of the telemarketer. There are some really good people out there who are just doing their job and then there are those who make dead skunks look intelligent. No matter how hard they try they just aren’t capable of getting it done.

But like I said, sometimes you find a gem and you end up with great blog fodder such as:

Sorry The Owner Is In Lebanon 

More Fun with Telemarketers

Recently I decided to try a new tack with the telemarketers. I try to sell them life insurance, or some other service. Thus far it has been kind of fun. You should hear the surprise in their voice when I answer their sales pitch with one of my own.

And every now and then you find someone who has a little spunk of their own.

Telemarketer: Can I speak with Mr. Steiner please?
Jack: I am not sure if he is available. Is he expecting your call?

Telemarketer: I have some very important news to give him.
Jack: That doesn’t tell me anything. Do you know Mr. Steiner?

Telemarketer: It is very important that I speak with him now.
Jack: It is very important that you tell me who you are.

Telemarketer: Sir, Mr. Steiner is going to be quite cross if you don’t connect us.
Jack: Actually he is more of a Magen David.

Telemarketer: Would you please find him for me?
Jack: He is not lost.

Telemarketer: Son. Your father is going to be quite angry if you play games with me.
Jack: What kind of games do you like to play?

Telemarketer: Please put your father on.
Jack: Hang on. Let me see if he has finished slaughtering my pet cow. Money has been awfully tight around here. We’re going to miss old Bessie.

Telemarketer: Do you live on a farm?
Jack: Yes. It is a fun farm.

Telemarketer: Do you know that funny farm is a nickname for a hospital.
Jack: You’d have to be crazy to say something silly like that. Hang on, I hear my father coming in now.

I put the phone down and yell “Dad!” Then after a brief pause I pick it up and say hello.

Telemarketer: Mr. Steiner I have very good news for you.
Jack: Are you with the lottery?

Telemarketer: No I am not with the lottery.
Jack: How about that Ed McMahon guy, you know Publisher’s Clearinghouse.

Telemarketer: No. I am not with them either.
Jack: Do you carry life insurance?

Telemarketer: I do, but that is not the purpose of my call.
Jack: Hang on a second, no one wants to believe that they are going to die, but believe you me. One day you’re going to be just another ground monkey. What is your family going to do then. How are they going to eat.

Telemarketer: I appreciate that but…
Jack: Appreciate isn’t going to pay the bills. Tell me about yourself. How old are you? Are you married, do you have children, do you rent or own?

Telemarketer: Sir, if I can take a moment of your time…
Jack: Just relax. Everyone gets nervous. Answer the questions slowly. Perhaps it might help if you write them down. I can hold on while you get a pen and paper.

Telemarketer: I have a pen, paper and a computer.
Jack: You don’t need all three. Just use whatever is easiest.

Telemarketer: I think that I am going to have to say goodbye.
Jack: You just said the magic words: “Good Buy.” That is all I offer, “good buys.” Why don’t we discuss a plan that will provide enough cash to cover your mortgage and a couple of bucks for the wife and kids to live on.

Telemarketer: I think that you misunderstood me. I have a service that you might be interested in.
Jack: A service? You mean like customer service?

Telemarketer: Excellent customer service is something that I strive to provide.
Jack: Hey fella, if you are applying for a job I am going to need for you to send over a resume first.

Telemarketer: I already have a job.
Jack: But do you have a career. Why settle for a job when you can have more,.

Telemarketer: I am sorry. I am really going to have to hang up.
Jack: Just give me five more minutes and I am sure I can explain to you why our policies are superior to the other guys.

Click.

What is the difference between being weird in a good way and weird in a bad one? I don’t claim to have the correct answer but I am sure it lies in whether people think you are charming or creepy.

Sometimes I think the most significant difference is that creepy people don’t recognize they are creepy and charming people know they aren’t creepy or something like that.

Forgive me if  this doesn’t make as much sense as it could because it is 1 AM and this stream of consciousness and I am frustrated.

Frustrated because things were harder today than they should have been. Things that should have been a snap required a snap, click and a jump and much of the day felt like I was walking waist deep through mud.

It is Hard To Be Productive

It is hard to be productive when you are walking through mud but if you stay with it you usually find that you still manage to get things done.

My children often hear me say the difference between success and failure isn’t always about who is smartest or luckiest but who is willing to do the work to make things happen. They also hear me talk about working smarter and not harder.

I spent 25 minutes trying to put an excerpt of a poem on Canva today so that I would have a cool graphic people could share but it just didn’t work.

“Tho’ much is taken, much abides; and tho’
We are not now that strength which in old days
Moved earth and heaven, that which we are, we are;
One equal temper of heroic hearts,
Made weak by time and fate, but strong in will
To strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield.”
Ulysses, Lord Alfred Tennyson

How To Be Memorable

I come up with different headlines because I want my posts to be read and to be memorable. Sometimes I pose questions like Who is Tougher Mr. Spock or Darth Vader because I think people will remember them and because I am interested in thinking about it.

Writers have to think about many different things and we have to be able to be like the Apple people and think differently. Cue thought bubble about the difference between charming and creepy.

Cue second thought bubble about trying to make sure our stuff is read and self promotion. Cue third thought bubble asking how to identify our best material.

I think about this often. When people first stumble onto the blog what do I want them to see? What posts will do the best job of encouraging people to become regular readers? What will be most interesting to them?

Friday I wrote What Makes You A Man?

The social media gurus would frown upon it because it is longer but I am really proud of it. I haven’t decided if it is a new favorite because I think the writing is strong or because I feel like I shared something meaningful.

But I know for certain I want it to be read. It is important to me. It unintentionally touched a nerve and I have been thinking about it ever since.

Would People Notice If I Was Gone?

I rarely think about this, but today I began to wonder what would happen if I stopped blogging. Would people notice? Would they care or would they just move on?

That is not a cry for help or a request for praise. It is more of a moment of self evaluation. It is me thinking out loud and asking if my content makes a difference. Is it helping anyone or am I just indulging my love for writing in a public forum.

And if I am indulging does it matter? I am not holding a gun to anyone’s head.

Speaking of memory there is another poem to share:

“But
if each day,
each hour,
you feel that you are destined for me
with implacable sweetness,
if each day a flower
climbs up to your lips to seek me,
ah my love, ah my own,
in me all that fire is repeated,
in me nothing is extinguished or forgotten,
my love feeds on your love, beloved,
and as long as you live it will be in your arms
without leaving mine”
If You Forget Me by Pablo Neruda

What Kind Of Blogger Are You?

I am a writer who is a father. That means sometimes I write about parenting (dad blogging stuff) and sometimes I write about writing. Writing about writing covers storytelling, marketing and social media. Sometimes it covers blogging too.

That is an incomplete description but the time has come for the vampire to find his coffin and catch some ZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.

I appreciate your taking the time to walk with me.

What kind of blogger are you and what kind of content would you like to see here?