The JackB

"When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun'." Groucho Marx

Random Thoughts

The Queen May Read

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Thought about what was written here and wondered when the queen may read it. Hope it would be sooner than later but time really has no meaning right now.

Impatient I may be, anxious to have conversation and connection because of a feeling that things are heading a certain direction.

Got no logical reason to feel this way, merely a gut impulse but every other time I felt it the thing I thought would happen did.

Doesn’t mean it will, but it doesn’t mean it won’t either.

So if I sit upon the fence post and wait a moment before determining what side to come down upon I am ok with it.

Harry Nilsson Doesn’t Care

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Harry Nilsson doesn’t care that I started this post while listening to what Apple Music calls his essentials and then moved to Gordon Lightfoot and not because he is dead.

Rather it is because I can’t imagine he ever would have stumbled across this place so he would never know about it.

But if he did find it I think he’d be more focused on my having included him in the headline and the post, that is better than not being included, even if you are featured on a smaller joint.

Lost In Her Loving

I’d argue it is far better to get lost in her loving than to never know what that is like.

Even if said love is removed and you feel like the sky has gone dark or the moon has chosen to hide you know something.

That is the sort of experience you never forget because if you get wrapped up in that warmth you have been through something life-changing.

I know a guy who told me he would give it all up because having loved and lost was too damn painful, but I told him he is a fool.

He told me I was the real fool and that you never get it back and I shook my head.

I know better.

Sometimes you get her back and you get another shot, sometimes you don’t.

The focal point ought to be how you learned you can fly and don’t have to settle for being earthbound.

It can present some painful moments when your wings have been clipped but the knowledge of what is possible or trying to discover what is possible is part of the scientific spirit.

There are no advances without a willingness to explore and to dig a little bit.

What Words Will You Use To Speak?

The same guy asked me what made me so certain.

I told him I had kissed a certain girl a thousand times and never tired of it.

“It always felt like we had the most intimate conversations without words, but we spoke.”

“How did you know?”

“I didn’t know in the ‘traditional’ sense, I knew in my gut. And even when we were apart I always felt like we could pick up and resume where we left or even take it to a deeper level because of life experience. If she agreed to let me pepper her pike, well I would absolutely think about it.”

“You’d think about it? Why not just do it?”

“Sometimes it is good for her to hear no. Let her remember it is a true partnership, if we let it be. There is a level of trust that makes the physical work in a different way. It is all based upon the communication because when we let do the depth is unmatched.”

“You make it sound like someone is holding back now.”

“Maybe one of us, maybe both of us or maybe none of us.”

“You are not going to tell me, are you?”

“Nope, that is our business and you aren’t part of ‘our’ are you.”

I laughed and he smiled.

“Well, you ought to tell her what you think about your business. She might be waiting for you to speak.”

“Yeah, she might or she might already know. Maybe she’d prefer not to hear about any of it or maybe she really is waiting.”

“Did anyone tell you that you are a pain-in-the-ass and that you refuse to answer questions.”

“No. Not one single person.  :D”

One Step Into The Unknown

Part of me very much wants to hide out in my castle and wait for the chaos and confusion to pass. Part of me wonders if we have really touched upon it or it is trapped inside Pandora’s box waiting to be set free.

Had a situation develop on the job side that has wreaked a bit of havoc. Had a call that can only be described as a brutal beating that left me incensed because it wasn’t my fault.

I think that is understood by the important people but it doesn’t make me feel good.

Nor does getting some assignments that I don’t understand well. If I am going to work on something I want to do a good job and this feels a little loosey-goosey to me.

So I am going to have to draw on a little reserve of courage and push on. That is all I can do.

Blogging Is A Game

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I was a 35-year-old homeowner with two small kids who played around with moving out of LA but wasn’t particularly serious about it.

Sure, I talked about moving to Jerusalem but I promised my wife that we could put that off until after the kids were out of the house so that was more of a dream than reality.

Then came the idea about selling the house and moving to Texas but I wasn’t so sure about it.

I liked the idea of being able to sell my house in LA and using the cash to buy something much larger and nicer in Texas.

Hell, I loved the thought of being able to do that and still have a nice chunk of cash in the bank.

That seemed practical and smart, but it also was a little frightening and not something I was real sure of.

Didn’t matter that I was somewhat familiar with Texas, I was a creature of habit and liked my comfort zone.

Fast forward almost 14 years and the house I was hesitant about selling is long gone.

I fought with Wells Fargo about trying to refinance and they laughed at my desperation, all courtesy of the Great Recession.

Jack the high flyer went from the top of the pile to the bottom.

Lifestyle Changes

We went from ample cash and kids in private school to just scraping by.

Vacations disappeared and the savings that I worked hard to accumulate went along with everything else.

Most of it was taken in an effort to save that aforementioned house and for a long while Old Jack was a very angry man.

It wasn’t right and it wasn’t fair and it was hard not to be bitter. Hard not to kick myself for not having pushed to sell the damn place earlier when we could have walked away with plenty instead of nothing.

But that is how life goes and instead of living in LA mulling over whether it might be easier to live elsewhere we are in Texas.

Hell, this is my second time around living in Texas, so technically I have lived here for about 2.5 years.

So maybe this is how it was always going to be and the only question was when would I end up here.

Maybe.

****

Enough time has passed for me not to be pissed off at what could have or should have been and most of the time I am pretty happy with how life is now.

But it took some doing to get here.


Blogging Is A Game

I go back and forth between being the grumpy old man who is outraged about how many hacks blog for the swag and free trips and the guy who accepts blogging is a game.

Some days I want to do nothing but scream about it but considering I have done the product reviews, taken some of the trips and played the game it would be hypocritical.

Maybe it is jealousy. Maybe I am sorry I haven’t had the same success as others or maybe it is just my grumpy nature.

Maybe I am happier having something to complain about.

I don’t think I was always like this, hell I know I wasn’t.

Things happened, life happened and I changed.

If it wasn’t for blogging I might not be able to see it so clearly.

If it wasn’t for writing these thoughts down where I can revisit them I might not be able to track it.

Maybe some of these changes wouldn’t have happened if I hadn’t gone through what I went through, or maybe they would have.

Hell, I ended up in Texas anyway, so maybe the 35-year-old was always going to turn into a grumpy almost 50 year-old.

Maybe.

Blogging is a game, play it well.

A Writer Shares A Thought

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Beams of sunlight are supposed to gently rouse your body from its slumber, but that is not always how it goes.

Maybe that is why some people use blackout shades or do things to help ease their way into a wakeful state.
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I am not really looking out at the mountains or staring at the beach below.

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I wish I was staring at either of those places and that I was the writer who had enough money and or resources to set up shop wherever I want to.

It is not because I think it would bestow magical powers upon my skills as a writer and storyteller.

No, it is a simple and selfish reason.

Because I think it would be cool and because my imagination tells me if I could afford to do that I would be a happier and more peaceful person.

It is a theory I’d like to test one day but I have a sneaking suspicion there is no truth to it.

Money and resources may ease some of my concerns but they are unlikely tofix all of them

It Won’t Make More People Read

It won’t make more people read my words here or at TheJackB.

Might make it easier to promote and reach more potential readers, but it is not going to make them stick around.

That doesn’t happen without providing interesting, engaging and entertaining content.

I know from experience that this is not a theory and that a good imagination can help take you a long way so maybe it is not really a big deal to not have those resources.

But damn, it sure would be nice not to have to worry about paying the bills once in a while.

The Many Layers of Hell

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I can’t remember who said that there are many levels of Hell, but I know that there are many and that I have been to at least a couple. The Department of Motor Vehicles, The Mall during the holidays and most recently Costco and Trader Joe’s market on a Sunday afternoon.

It is common knowledge among the intellectual elite that venturing to a Trader Joe’s, home of Two Buck Chuck vintage wines and fine cheeses will involve solving a puzzle that is a prerequisite for entrance into Mensa. It is called parking. Some sick man/woman in their corporate office gleefully searches for store locations that cannot support the traffic that the store will bring, or so it seems.

I conducted an unscientific survey in which I drove to four stores and then polled the people there and the three dogs that were tied up in front of the stores about this. All of them agree that parking at any Trader Joe’s is an exercise in treachery and guile best left to politicians or those of low moral fiber.

But food is the way to my heart, next to the miles of veins and arteries interred inside my body and I decided that my family required sustenance. As the hunter-gatherer in the household I was required by nature to dare to traverse the challenges that this entailed.

So I ask the dear reader, was I just fool hardy on this errand or is it poor customer service to ask your customers to engage in demolition derby so that they can frequent your store in hopes of buying food. All I know is that the experience in the parking lot was merely a warm-up for what was waiting inside. As I approached the store I grabbed a shopping cart and bravely entered, armed for bear and ready for hand-to-hand combat.

Needless to say I was not surprised to find aisles packed with hungry shoppers all of whom had the same shopping list as I. Who would have thought that we all needed cheese, soy milk, crackers, cereal, chocolate, wine, juice and produce, more specifically blueberries. The same evil executive who designed the parking lot was surely chuckling as we banged and bounced off of each others carts and bodies. In my younger days I would have enjoyed the adventure, but now it just rubbed me raw.

After what felt like days I managed to check out and take my purchases home for deposit into the refrigerator and cupboards. But something in my skull must have been jarred during this experience, because I knew that my shopping was not done. Now I had to run the gauntlet and go to Costco.

You Must Run The Gauntlet

Costco, another parking nightmare not unlike Trader Joe’s, but on a much larger scale. Costco, where I knew that the primitives would lose their minds and trample me and small children in the fight to get the free sample of the seafood dip or the greasy slice of pizza. Costco where you go broke saving money by purchasing two tons of toilet paper at a time.

The good news is that you’ll never worry about wiping, but you may worry about wiping out your checkbook. That is assuming of course that you can get a parking space without being overcome by road rage. And assuming that you manage to win the fight to maintain composure there is still the very real chance that you may succumb to some other malady, some other shopping rage. There is only so much one person can take. You can’t be bumped and pushed a hundred times or prevented from reading the description of that new fruit drink they are offering. Heaven forbid, you might miss out on taking advantage of the deep discount they offer for a trough of butter.

Why oh why do the folks in Kirkland not understand that we want, no must have parking attendants in the lot, turn signals on the carts and signal lights on the aisles. How much more bruising can a person’s lower back take before Kirkland understands that shopping carts need padding.

Because the tragedy of this is that while you can shop at both of these stores online you cannot squeeze the pears, nor smell the sausage or appreciate the scent of a good melon. There are still some challenges that technology has yet to overcome. Oh the humanity of it all.

Words on a Page

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I am sitting here in a state of mild shock. a lonely tear carving a path down my cheek. Just moments ago I sat here listening to AFI’s 100 top movie quotes and found myself totally entranced by the images, sounds and memories the words and music.

That tear surprised me and not just because I typically do not cry. I am not completely sure what caught me, but I have my ideas. I suspect that part of it is because the combination did what it is supposed to do. That magical combination of images, sounds and music conjured up something majestic and beautiful inside my head. It made me feel and reminded me that I have a passion that remains bottled up.

I write these posts for a million different reasons. I write these posts because they serve as an exceptional creative outlet. I write these posts because they allow me to chronicle the lives of my children and the thoughts that I have. These posts provide a snapshot of my life during brief moments of time. These posts serve as markers for the journey my life has taken up to now and they hint at where it may yet go.

The Almost Warrior who remembers a past that never was and a future that may never be. I look at These Pictures of You and think that perhaps Lightning Strikes Twice. You don’t really know what life holds. Sometimes life is impacted by Timing or by the unexpected moments and events. There are things that happen that rock your world.

I write about the moments that touch me, those from the past and the present. I write about my dreams and my nightmares. I take the pieces of my life, the things I have seen and those that I want to see and weave my tapestry, I don’t always succeed. I don’t a;ways hit the mark, at least I often feel like I have fallen short. Sometimes I wish that I had an Instant Messenger that I could call upon to better convey my thoughts about how Johnny Was A Hero but it doesn’t always work that way.

Sometimes A Father’s Responsibility gets in the way. Sometimes The Pressures of Parenthood and the things that come with it make it difficult to remember that though you may be called dad, you have dreams that you still have chase. And somehow you have to balance your responsibilities to your family with those that you owe yourself.

So you stand up and remember that there is a A Love Song That Needs To Be Written and you will be the one to write it. At the end of the day I want to do something that provides an end result that is more than just words on a page. One way or another I am going to write that book. One way or another I am going to tell a story that is more than the 800 words or so I average on these posts.

2010 is many things. It is the year of Jack and the year of the Daddy Blogger. I am guest blogging over at Clark Kent’s Lunchbox today. Go say hi to my friend Ron and while you are at it let me know what you think of my post over there.

If you’re new here and you have read this far take a moment to go back through this post and click on the links. You’ll find that I have intentionally mixed in posts that contain part of a story I am writing alongside posts about being a father. And if I have done my job properly perhaps you’ll become a new reader and join the rest of us on this wacky journey through life.

Ok, I have babbled enough. It is well after midnight now and the morning will be here far too soon. Lailah tov from Los Angeles.