"When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun'." Groucho Marx
These words are for you.
Your ears are who they are meant for.
Along with the hope you’ll hear, understand and listen.
No one knows for certain what will happen if we walk down one path.
But we know alone and apart is an unwanted companion.
Fear says they won’t be heard or understood.
Hope says fear is foolish and far too anxious.
Patience.
Hope says be patient and what will be will unfold.
Maybe.
Sometimes Facebook is a place where you go to read fake news and be outraged by politics and sometimes it is where you see an ex talking to a big oaf.
And you think to yourself, “if she is flirting with that big oaf or just being extra friendly.
Not that it matters because you aren’t together but since you know the big oaf is not just dumb but a bad person you wonder if maybe you received a gift.
Maybe you got lucky and missed a making a big mistake because if there is romance with the big oaf you’d question their judgment.
But you’d never say anything about how dumb he is or ask if he swallowed his twin because that would be mean
 That is probably the response you’d get if your comment about being a stupid oaf was heard and maybe something about being mean.
And if you engaged on it you’d talk about a stalker who keeps poking the bear and say if someone stayed out of private blogs and left other blogs alone there wouldn’t be any commentary.
It would be forgotten and then you’d add some comment about you have no respect for the oaf and think he is Trump like.
But that wouldn’t happen without a face-to-face conversation and that is unlikely so all of this hypothetical bullshit is just that…bullshit.
****
And somewhere in the recesses of your mind you’d ask if you are really jealous and what that might mean.
But instead of focusing on that you’d think about how all the nonsense proves some things never change as much as we might like them to.
We might be years out of college and high school but the people we love or once love, well sometimes they take us back to old times and instead of being men and women we are something else.
Boys and girls who don’t always know whether to say they love someone or not because of complications that don’t always exist any place other than in our own heads.
Long ago I told someone I c0uld be their doctor of destiny and asked them to trust their heart with me.
I said we could exchange keys, they would have one for mine and I would have one for theirs and together we could heal what was broken.
We managed to do so more than once and in multiple places which made me believe we had an innate ability to do so for each other, forever.
That might like silly puppy love stuff, the kind you limit to high school romance but I have come to believe there is truth to it.
All it takes is one moment and suddenly you remember what you forgot.
Smarter people than I don’t spend any time wondering, worrying or thinking about what they think they know or feel.
They focus upon what they can see, taste and touch in the most literal sense of those things.
If you can touch, taste or see it, well you know what is or is not real.
I know you, I walked with you once upon a dream
I know you, that gleam in your eyes is so familiar a gleam
And I know it’s true that visions are seldom all they seem
But if I know you, I know what you’ll do
You’ll love me at once, the way you did once upon a dream
Once Upon A Dream-Â Lana Del Rey ( Maleficent)
I hear it playing in my head as one of a multitude of songs and poems and try to ignore it.
Wrap myself in the safety and security of the tactile and concrete aspects of life because it provides more control and I crave that.
Crave it because other things are spinning in ways I can’t stop and it frightens me a bit.
But part of me likes the fear and chases the flame because it feels appropriate and right.
Because you search for a Shmata to wrap yourself in and remember the touch forever.
Everything changed and nothing will be the same.
Can’t say whether it is good or bad, only that it is and maybe that is the best way to look at it.
Sometimes words are insufficient which is why people like Whitman write things like “we were together, I forget the rest.”
Maybe that is all we need and the courage to follow our heart across the sea and through the woods.
Mine broke open wide so very long ago I cannot remember how or when. Sometimes I wonder if it has ever been repaired or if it ever will be.
And then I smile because of course it healed and of course it was ripped open again and healed again.
Now it is in a place and position I am not sure I recognize and maybe that is best. Maybe it is a reminder to step out of my comfort zone and test the water.
Out in the cold, searching for a Shmata never knowing if I will wrap myself around or be wrapped in it.
Some say secret worlds are best left alone and others say they exist to be shared and because they offer an opportunity for growth and exploration like none other.
Words just do it justice, so I let it be and stand on the balcony searching for a Shmata.
These are days we are going to remember because we have left the comforts of what is known and headed straight into the wilds.
Can’t say if we collectively knew the fleet was going to sail straight from the harbor into the storm but some of us suspected it.
Doesn’t mean we were or are any smarter than any one else or that our sixth sense was pinging because I don’t speak for the collective.
What I know is the man in office bothered me long before he got there because his brusque manner and attitude isn’t something I want in a leader.
But we only have so much control of what happens and who gets to lead and after that we are given the gift of managing our response.
You have hardly seen hide nor hair of me around here because I have been distracted with the things that life brings us, those we want and those we don’t.
It has been part of the great roller coaster because there have been some exceptionally good moments and I have shown the world my broadest and brightest smile.
But there have been some hard ones too, the biggest challenge I have ever had as a father and at times I have felt like I was trapped between the anvil and the hammer.
Moments, where I wondered how I was ever going to catch my breath long enough to help fix what is broken.
Moments, where I wondered what I did wrong and battled myself to stop asking questions that can’t be answered and are immaterial because the horse took off as soon as the barn door opened.
We’re a year into this crazy ride and I don’t always write about it for a host of reasons but it doesn’t mean it hasn’t taken up residence in my head.
Sometimes I see a miniature Winston Churchill in my mind, talking to me, encouraging me and promising me that this too shall pass.
He is right, it will.
But some days it is really…fucking…hard.
*****
Sometimes I think it is good that Google slapped my site with the penalty and that my SEO has gone to hell here.
It makes it easier not to worry about whether anyone is reading it.
Aw hell, who am I kidding, I never cared much about it and I have written regardless whether there was one or many readers.
Blogging taught me long ago that if I want to build an engaged readership I need to engage, entertain and educate.
It also taught me that the more honest I was with you about what was going on there more honest and engaged you’d be with me.
Though I know these things to be true I haven’t been good for a long while about engaging the way I used to.
I don’t comment very often anymore on other blogger’s posts and I have been reticent to do more than hint at certain other personal things in my life.
*****
In the midst of the battles and challenges I have been focused on running down a dream and if my gut knows a damn thing I am getting closer to where I want to be.
It reminds me a lot of not the first kiss I once shared but one that came a good while after.
She and I had been together multiple times so I thought I knew what to expect but something happened.
Something inside my head clicked and I realized I had just tasted life.
We pulled away and smiled at each other and I knew without asking she understood. That was when she gave herself to me and I knew I had crossed the Rubicon but in the best of senses.
One of my goals is for someone else to have that taste of life experience and or revelation.
I can’t say for certain but I suspect it will open their eyes and that it will bring a level of joy back into their life.
I think they’ll begin to really live again.
Don’t ask me for details or encourage me to share more because it is an unformed thought and I fear trying to force it to take shape.
This needs to be held like water in the palm of your hand because some things can’t be led, pushed or made into being.
All you can do is shine a light on opportunity and hope.
****
Meanwhile, the fleet is sailing through the storm and I have to focus on making sure the ships I am responsible for are safe.
Alone in my kayak I paddle through the rough and do my best to manage it all, haven’t drowned yet…
They had sworn a blood vow to never let go of each other and had done the things that they could to ensure that it would last.
But that was then and this is now.
+++++
Life is nothing but a series of moments in time set against the backdrop of the people who share them. It was a lesson that Johnny had learned all too well. There had been moments of triumph and moments of tragedy. He had tales of sorrow, had gained and garnered more than a few scars.
That is what happens when you live and love. Sometimes you come out of these moments feeling like you are a one armed boxer punching at the breeze and sometimes you come out carrying the grand prize. The trick and the challenge lies in recognizing those moments for what they are.
I wrote those words on a different blog many years ago, but they feel familiar today so they have been unpacked and aired out.
Something is off today, something isn’t right and I am a bit off center but I haven’t quite figured out the how or why of it.
The not knowing irks me more than the feeling because if I understood it I might find it easier to let it come and pass over/through me.
My best guess is it is tied into the ample pile of stuff I have on my plate now.
Texas has been a mixed bag so far and while I have no regrets about making the move it has been more challenging than I expected.
There are things happening that I didn’t anticipate that have created some significant bumps in the road and that may be the primary source of my distress.
Those unsought and unexpected hiccups have me shaking my head wondering how they crept up on me.
Did excitement blind me or were they just part of stuff I never could have anticipated, moments that just happen.
The best-laid plans often go astray.
Or maybe this feeling of bleah is tied into the list of chores I have to do and my desire not to spend Sunday cleaning and washing.
Sometimes it is easier to think about starting over than trying to clean up, clear up and clear out.
I have made a point to remind myself and to think about whether this is a real storm or just a cloud that is covering my sunlight.
Not going to lie and say it is as easy as that and that with the snap of my fingers all the stress just disappears because it isn’t and it doesn’t.
But I can say the benefit of taking the time to write, sift and sort through it all has had the desired effect of clearing up a few things.
Guess I ought to hit the cleaning for a bit and then go hit the gym and see if that doesn’t clear up the rest of this Sunday Morning Special.
